Cocooned
by Liv'Simply
Summary: "A woman has to live her life, or live to repent not having lived it." ― D.H. Lawrence. Set before and continuing after CSI season 13 finale as Sara tries to find her way in life, love and happiness, without her husband. It's not long before she realises that it doesn't matter which path she takes, as all roads lead to Grissom. Eventual GSR with O/C angst.
1. Prologue

**Title: **Prologue

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_I haven't been writing for a while but have recently returned with this little number. I hope you all enjoy reading, can't reveal too much otherwise I'll ruin it for you all! Also, I just wanted to note that those in the UK or worldwide who have not seen all of season 13 should beware of spoilers for the finale that are present in this story. Anyway, enjoy and please drop a review. Thanks! - Liv'Simply._

**Summary: "The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." ― Tom Clancy**

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_Sunday, September 22nd 2013._

I sighed contently as I awoke to the sweet heat of the mid-morning sun. The coolness of the silky sheets contrasted with the heat radiating from my bare body. I pulled myself from the sheets and sauntered across the room towards the wide window facing towards the Golden Gate bridge and the deep blue ocean. Although I was born and raised outside of San Francisco, in Tamales Bay, I did miss the city deeply. While Vegas was truly my home now and the lab offered much more than the coroners office, the city gave me a sense of happiness and security. My brows knitted together as I realised I could not exactly identify the source of this.

I pushed my body from the window and made my way towards the bathroom, walking the length of the hotel room. I glanced towards the slowly waking form, stopping as he turned towards my side of the bed. A long toned arm reached out, open palm feeling the cooling sheets that were now absent of me. He groaned outwardly at my absence, earning a satisfied smirk from myself. The open palm grazed against the pillow, then retracted to be pushed against the bed as my lover sat up slowly. My right shoulder and hip pressed against the door frame as my right leg crossed slightly over the left. He turned his head slowly about the room before they fell upon my slender frame, his eyes narrowing as they did so.

I blushed slightly under his gaze, the sighs, groans and whimpers from the night previous suddenly being recalled in memory. A ripple of goosebumps ignited along my arms as I remembered the feeling of hands on my body, clothing being removed but not being sure who removed them. The hunger fuelled desire in his eyes as I stood before him, laid completely bare for the first time in a long time, was unforgettable. My chest heaved as I let a puff of air escape.

"Morning" I smiled. He grinned in response, roaming my being with his eyes. "One moment" I continued as I disappeared into the en-suite. The door closed, I peered at myself in the mirror. Twisting and turning in the mirror, I noticed small bruises and love bites forming on my porcelain skin. I giggled, noticing how I was also sore elsewhere.

Quickly, I brushed my teeth and relieved myself, before returning to him in the hotel bedroom. He was in a similar position as before, except he had plumped up the pillows.

"Good morning to you too, Miss Sidle" He rested his large hands on his thighs, gracefully covered by the soft sheets. I gave him a half smile as I crossed the room towards him, heat taking over my body as I gained proximity and becoming evident as my chest tinged pink. I approached the foot of the bed and bent slightly as I climbed on. My breasts swayed as I clambered towards him, my smile developing into a smirk as an animalistic groan was elicited from him.

Slowly, I pulled the sheet from his lap while I got closer. His hands moved from his thighs as I perched myself on his lap, my smaller hands pressed against his chest for support when I raised myself above him. He placed his hands on my hips, smiling as he reached up to lock his lips with mine. Smiling into the kiss, I descended slowly onto him as passion ensued. The kiss was broken as we joined as I threw my head back almost involuntarily, the feel of him causing pure ecstasy that could not be controlled.

"Sara..." He mumbled as he grazed his teeth along my collarbone. I shuddered gratefully, placing my hands on his shoulders as I picked up pace. One of his hands slid from by back, curled around my hip and finally rested on my left thigh, massaging the area lightly. His other, the one I was really concentrating on, was kneading my right breast while his mouth entertained the other.

I whimpered feeling my thighs tense and buck as he slid his right hand between my legs to reach my sensitive nub. He pressed his thumb against it delicately, remembering how sensitive I can get. I sucked his ear lobe, making sure to nibble lightly on the skin behind his ear. Grunting, he gripped my behind tightly as I dug into his shoulders with my nails. "G..God I'm nearly there" I barely whispered "Look at me" I groaned. He did so and the pure love I saw there nearly stopped me in my tracks. I crashed my mouth into his as I felt my lover erupt inside me. My breath hitched as I savoured him, his groaned swallowed by our kiss. I followed soon after, riding us into pure bliss as I tightened around him. The kiss was broken once more while I buried my head into the crook of his neck, panting and moaning my happiness. I felt him grin against the sweaty flesh covering my shoulder. He placed a delicate kiss there while I leaned against him, struggling to get my breathing back in order.

"God I've missed you" He panted. His hands roamed my back, greedily taking in every inch. "I've missed you so much" He pulled his head from my shoulder attempting to look at me. I complied to meet his face. His eyes were a slightly different colour, not as dark with desire as when we had started. I also noticed that his brow was glistening with sweat and his lips were a deeper shade of pink. As were mine, no doubt.

"I can tell" I giggled delightfully. "But for the record, I've missed you too" I placed a kiss on his lips, my fingers tangling in his hair.

"So, where does this leave us?" He looked at me, his features hopeful as he absent-mindedly traced shapes on my arms. I smiled, unsure of what exactly was going to happen from now.

"Well, I.." The sudden vibration of my mobile against the wooden bedside cabinet prevented my answer. "Sorry, one minute" I gave a flat smile as I reached for the source of the interruption. I was not sure if I was thankful or not.

"Sidle" I answered in my usual tone. I was met with my supervisors desperate voice.

"Sara! Where are you? You still in San Fran?" He practically yelled.

"Erm, yes. Why?"

"I need you here, its about Morgan and Ellie"

"Jim's daughter? What's wrong? What's happened" I pushed away from my lover and stood, leaving the bed. He looked at me concerned as he listened to the one sided conversation. "D.B?"

"Yeah, sorry. Nick was giving me an update on some evidence. They have been kidnapped by a 'Dante's Inferno' obsessed psychopath. I need you and your skills here Sara. Sorry to cut your time off short"

"Its fine. What information have you got on this guy, what's his signature?" I fumbled around the hotel room, quickly gathering my clothing and belongings. My lover had left the bed and was helping by placing my keys inside my bag.

"I'll get Finn to send you it all by email, just please get here as soon as possible. We need all hands on deck." I had my underwear and shirt on by this stage and was pulling my jeans on quickly. He continued. "Ecklie is all over the place, as is Jim. Its manic over here."

"Don't worry, I'll be there soon. Get Finn to send me that email ASAP so I am up to date"

"Shall do, thanks Sara. See you when you get here". I approached my lover as I listened to D.B on the phone. I offered an apologetic smile, knowing that I would be leaving soon and what happened between us was going to be left unresolved for now.

Not taking my eyes off the disappointed man before me I replied "I'll get the first flight out", but found the line had already disconnected.

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**So...what do you guys think? Thanks for reading and have a nice day!**

**TBC.**


	2. Chapter 1

**Title: **Chapter 1

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_Thanks for all the reviews and feedback, its greatly appreciated. Keep it coming! Here's the first chapter. Hope you enjoy!_

**Summary: "Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." ― Stephen King**

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_1 week earlier – Sunday, September 15th 2013._

"So you Miss Sidle, you worked on Mr Brinks' case in 1998, along with SFPD?" The defendants lawyer paced the courtroom slowly as he directed his questions at me.

"Yes" I answered simply, truthfully trying to avoid the despondent smirk slapped across the face of a man I had not seen for nearly 15 years. A 'true sociopath' as I had described him to D.B and not one word of it was a lie. I remembered back to the summer of 1998, during which this sadistic man committed his disgusting acts.

It was a particularly hot summer, during which girls were being..well girls. Tube tops, denim shorts and pool parties were all the rage. Lyle would often choose his victims by surveying these parties and the young women occupied with them. On their way home, they would get pulled over by Lyle impersonating a police officer. He would then ask for their license, find something wrong with it and arrest them on a technicality. As they were bent over the car bonnet, being 'arrested', he would press his bulging manhood into the victims thigh. A 'preview of what they would get' he whispered to them, to their pure terror and repulsion.

I squirmed slightly in my seat as I remembered a young girl telling me. She told me how she had escaped after he had beaten and began sexually assaulting her. He had handcuffed her left wrist to a pole, her right wrist free. Luckily for her, she never had to learn the hard way that Lyle's idea of foreplay involved thumbscrews and pliers. She had grabbed a nearby heavy rock and repeatedly bludgeoned her left wrist to shatter the bones, then slipped it through. She heard the car door slam shut and Lyle returning so she ran and ran..and ran. She was the youngest at 15, the oldest being 29.

"What exactly was your status at this point?" The lawyers smooth voice pulled be from my memory, back into the busy San Francisco court room. The lawyer himself, Peter Grayson, I had not encountered before and was definitely harder to crack than Lyle's last lawyer. I glanced up and down his profile, noting his grey suit ensemble and expense Italian shoes. His eyes were a cold, steel colour, matching the harshness of his cut throat features. For the first time during this appeal, I noticed his complexion was without blemish or even a beauty spot. For some reason, this unnerved me. I shifted, suddenly uncomfortable, before I answered him.

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean, how long had you been a CSI before you worked this case? Had you much experience?"

"At the time that I received the case as an assignment, I had been a CSI for 3 years"

"You were a level 2 right? So you could say this was a career making case for you" The tremble at the corners of Grayson's lips was unmistakable. He continued, putting obvious effort in trying to contain a smirk. "I bet such a case was a God send for such an ambitious woman like you and at the age of 27, you probably realised that catching the bad guy was going to fuel a promotion" He stepped towards me. A dominating tactic that I had experienced before. Sadly, for Grayson, I was immune to such behaviour by lawyers.

"It was true, I did realise that this was a big case. But I felt I needed to deliver justice to the family's of the 17 girls, who were raped and brutalised by sadistic man." I paused as I sucked in then replied on a slow exhale. "I wanted to bring comfort for those women involved and for women who feared for their lives, the women who could not trust law enforcement at the time, because of Lyle's actions. A promotion or recognition was far from my mind at the time."

The lawyer nodded and turned towards the jury but spoke aloud to me. "Of course, you did all of this within a professional capacity?" The lawyer had his back to me, but I could feel that lip trembling smirk forming on his lips once more. "Or were you personally involved in the investigation?"

This I had expected, as it was the truth. The girls were young, as I was, the age range included myself and a few of my colleagues at the time. The actual girls themselves were varied in appearance. Feisty brunettes, blonde bombshells and mysterious raven haired women all appeared on the autopsy table during the course of the investigation – 18 months. There was only a single redhead, the 15 year old girl that had gotten away. I never voiced this, but I suspected she had put him off redheads. She would have been his 7th victim had she not escaped. In total, there had been 9 brunettes and 5 blondes – the remaining three being black haired beauties. The fact that the majority of women were tall, young and vivacious brunettes did disturb me, giving me more reason to put the sick bastard behind bars.

"I attempted to remain within a professional capacity throughout the investigation, but I am only human Mr Grayson" I stated plainly, not wanting to indulge the parasitic lawyer by relinquishing my personal fears and worries in front of an audience. I turned to the jury, curious as to who was watching. I counted an equal number of men and women, all dressed as typical jurors were. Formal and attempting to remain professional. Of course, due to the nature of the trial, some appeared more stoic than others.

"You attempted?" Grayson repeated in a tone laced with malice. "Am I taking this to mean that you were not successful, Miss Sidle?" To this I shifted one shoulder in a half-shrug.

"State your response please Miss Sidle" The judge reminded in mono-tone. Truth be told, I had forgotten she was present.

"The case did affect me, but I didn't act on my..." I paused, trying to find adequate wording that would not dig me further into the web of trickery I suspected Grayson was weaving for me. Too late, he beat me to it.

"Being unnerved?" He faced me dead on, eyes as cold and unforgiving as ever.

"Yes, I suppose you could call it that. During the investigation, many of my friends and colleagues felt the same. Women did not want to be alone..they only trusted each other." I turned to face the jury, particularly the women. "It was a terrifying time to be a young woman, I'm sure in some way or another, everyone was affected. Every man was a possible suspect" I quickly clamped my lips closed, but knew as soon as the last sentence passed my lips that Grayson would have a field day. I mentally kicked myself when I saw his lip curling.

"You are right, Miss Sidle. Every man you encountered must have been quite intimidating. But a person who is scared is a person who is not thinking correctly, especially if they know they are more likely to be victims themselves based on their sex and age" Grayson stepped forward, keeping his voice cool. "There must have been a great amount of pressure on you, from the victims families, the general public and for your own concerns."

"I dealt well with the pressure, Mr Grayson" I almost snapped at his belittling tone. He had no idea what it was like for young women then, being afraid to be alone in your own home. I continued as the jury eagerly watched. "I was evaluated during the case and received a brilliant overall performance. I don't think my private and personal feelings affected my work performance or the outcome of the case. All evidence was considered objectively, the way I was trained"

"Oh I know about the performance." Grayson turned away, presenting the perfectly pressed back of his jacket. He bent slightly to pick up a document from the defendants table, where Lyle was still seated. Although, he seemed rather uninterested in the proceedings. Rather, he had taken to facing the jury. The past 15 years had done nothing for his looks. Once a moderately attractive and slick man, his features were now ragged. His hair astray, eyes hollowed and lips capped. He was a thousand miles away from the Ted Bundy like Casanova I had once sat across from.

My mind cast back to that summer we had first met. He was dressed particularly smart, spoke in a even, steady tone and had eyes that seemed to peer into your entire being. I shuddered in my seat when I remembered the time we first spoke, or rather I spoke to him across the interrogation room while he replied coldly, often taking time to peer at my breasts. Clad in only a tank top due to the heat, I felt naked before him, something that was not unnoticed by the sociopathic man as his lips curled back to bare his pure white pearls. The man takes care of himself, I had thought, it should be easy for him to attract women. I reasoned that his looks made it too easy, that regular consensual sex was boring and that he needed more power to get his kicks. 'True sociopath', definitely.

Grayson had returned to the stand now, holding a piece of paper ahead of him. "I have your evaluation from that time right here, Miss Sidle. As well as the one from a year later, at which time you had moved to the crime lab in Las Vegas. Am I correct?"

"Yes, you are" I breathed.

"Good. Now, here it says you had a brilliant overall performance. But, it also says that you needed to improve on your ability to prioritise". He frowned at the paper, as though it was the first time the information was presented before his eyes. "Yet you were still allowed to be the primary on the case, along with an older, more experienced CSI. Not only that, but you were only a CSI level 2 at the time and had only been a CSI for 3 years. Why exactly were you given the case?" Grayson placed the paper before the judge, who began reading as he paced towards me, clearly expecting an answer.

"I had proven myself in the few years I had been there. I was quite young to have the position so soon and have the educational achievements I had gained before that time. My supervisor knew I was capable and dedicated, and that I could gain a better ability to prioritise from working alongside a more experienced CSI." The CSI in question was Stephen Geoffrey, who was 16 years my senior at the time. He was a fantastic CSI whom I learned quite a bit from. Sadly, however, he suffered a brain haemorrhage and passed away 4 years ago.

"Did you...have a good relationship with your supervisor?" Grayson's left eyebrow jumped into his hairline as he leaned forwards into his toes. "You certainly did in Vegas" Not a question, but a statement that slivered from his tongue and left me feeling suddenly hot, flushed and vulnerable.

"And what exactly do you mean by that!" I noted the shifting of the jurors and Lyle as my unprofessional self took over. Wide eyed I glanced at Grayson. He was collected and relaxed, although his eyes flashed at my outburst. He had riled me, and he knew so. Putty in his hands. "I'm sorry" I muttered towards the judge before she scolded me and sat back into my seat, placing my hands on my lap.

G

"Just peachy" I spat back. I bit my tongue to prevent any more venom leaving my mouth.

"You and your supervisor...a Dr. Gil Grissom..you were lovers during your time in Vegas?"

"Mr Grayson, what exactly has this got to do with Mr Brinks appeal?" The judge placed the evaluation sheet flat on the desk before her, before peering hawk eyed at the suit clad lawyer. Thankful for the interruption, I let a little tension slip from my body. I desperately did not want to appear vulnerable before this lawyer and his despicable client, who was still glaring at the jury.

"Your honour. I was wondering about the state of Miss Sidle's relationship with her supervisor and whether it could have compromised the investigation in any way"

"My supervisor was married at the time" I interrupted quickly. "We had no relationship-"

"Miss Sidle, please" The judge raised and lowered her hand, gesturing for me to be quiet before she turned back to Grayson. "Mr Grayson, I do not feel that Miss Sidles romantic interests are of any concern, in relation to Mr Brinks appeal" She spoke sternly. An older women in her 60's, she could possibly have daughters that would have been the age of the victims at the time.

Grayson noted the judge's objection and bitterly turned back to me. I almost smirked at the dissatisfied lawyer, but controlled myself.

"Okay" Grayson clasped his hands together, his eyes shifting the courtroom as he seemed to be deciding how to get back on track. He decided to turn and address the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the evidence against my client is outstanding. Miss Sidle's professionalism clearly cannot be doubted. I would like to turn attention towards my client."

The jury peered towards Lyle, as did I. His cold eyes were still trained on the jury, an act which caused many of them to look away anxiously. At this time, I noticed his lip was curling, as it had done so long ago when we were in that interrogation room. I traced his eye-line, coming to rest on a woman on the jury. Petite, classy and wide eyed. No wonder he had been glaring for so long. The women herself, who was in her mid-thirties no doubt, had obviously noticed she was the object of Lyle's 'affections' and was currently doing everything to not look him in the eye. Her nimble fingers reached up to her chest, nervously tugging at the lilac sweater she was wearing. I felt sick watching him smile as she squirmed.

"..Sidle has not been present in the last 15 years, during which my client is a changed man. He asked for me, personally. At first, ladies and gentlemen, I was unsure about helping him, but soon I realised he was a changed man" Grayson continued to preach to the jury, although for me it fell on deaf ears. "In fact, he wrote this during his spare time in his diary. He doesn't know I have taken this, for that I apologise Mr Brinks-" He turned to Lyle, who gave a mockery of a shocked reaction. His brows shot up, his eyes widened but his mouth stayed in that same grim smile. Grayson went on "-I'll allow Miss Sidle to read some to you now. Miss Sidle, if you don't mind, could you read what has been highlighted" He strolled to the dock, thrusting the photocopied sheet towards me. The highlighted sections in luminous yellow, I began reading aloud.

"I know now that what I did was wrong. I was a young man, my desires without control, my actions without concern for others. I thought I was ill, I took sanctuary in the label of 'sociopath' that was placed on me. At least then, people would not blame me, my environment, my parents, my upbringing were the true culprits. I was a thing that brought great disarray, destruction and fear into an environment from which I am the product of. For that, I was not to blame. Now, while serving my deserved time, I realise that I could have stopped it. Every weapon needs a handler, I am my own handler. I am my own future. My ignorance of that resulted in my future, my choice being taken from me, as I had done so to those 17 poor young women. For that I am deeply sorry, for that I will never expect but be forever grateful for a second chance to prove myself to a society I turned my back on".

I looked up to meet Grayson's once again satisfied face as well as the jury. Some nodding, others not fully convinced, but all listening. I swallowed hard as I locked eyes with Lyle. His face was still, but his hands clasped on the desk. He was happy with what just transpired.

"You mind me asking, where exactly you found this?" I enquired, pulling my eyes from Lyle and transferring them to Grayson. The diary entry in my right hand, I tilted my head, not thoroughly convinced that it was legit. Grayson brought his eyebrows together as he answered.

"Well, I found it in his cell. He was eating dinner when I visited. I waited for him, along with a guard of course. The diary was under his pillow and I thought I would help myself." He parted his hands and spayed them defensively. Apparently, this lawyer did not like being on the receiving end. "As my client, nothing can be hidden from me."

I pursed my lips to the side, leaning forwards in my seat before addressing the jury. "Seems a little..nonchalant for a man who went to such lengths to hide 17 women in and around San Francisco. You'd have thought he would have made more effort to hide his inner most thoughts, don't you think?" I tossed my head to the side, asking the jury.

"Well, like I said, he is a changed man" Grayson quickly shot back. "He isn't the same deceptive man, he is more honest and open. That passage you read, clearly shows that"

"Oh, of course" I glanced down at my lap before peering back up. "But wouldn't you say actions speak louder than words, Mr Grayson?"

"I think we would all agree, Miss Sidle"

"Then I wonder what exactly is shown by the fact that Mr Brinks has spent the majority of time during this appeal focused on the breasts of that poor uncomfortable women sat in the jury?" I glanced towards the women in question, as did most of the jury and a dismayed Mr Grayson. Her nervous sweater pulling did not go unnoticed, neither did the anxiety twisted into her features. His mouth agape, Lyle knew as well as I did that he and his lawyer would struggle to come back from that.

* * *

A while later, I smiled into the delightful warmth of the late afternoon sun as I walked outside the courtroom. It had taken the jury only 2 and a half hours to decide to deny Lyle's appeal. Thanks to my little 'stint' as I overheard Grayson call it, Lyle was not to be a free walking man any time soon, and would likely spend the rest of his life incarcerated. He did not take that news well.

The moment the stocky bailiff passed the note to the judge and she spoke aloud of Lyle's fate, he made no attempt of behaving any more. "You...this is all you, you bitch" He snarled in my direction across the courtroom. I was now sat with the rest of the audience, but he sought me out quickly enough. "There is no way to prove I was looking! You can't prove it!" He stood, lashing out before the bailiff stepped in to drag him away. He spat more abuse before he was taken from the courtroom, most of which was quite crude and vastly ignored by me.

I turned to my side and dug through my bag. Finding my favourite rose-tinted sunglasses, I slipped them on before making my way to my rental car. A black Ford Fiesta, quite the change to the large Ford Explorer I was used to driving. Still, I enjoyed the change a little.

Sliding behind the wheel, I flicked the radio on as I started the car, although I did not start driving. Instead I sat, thinking back to the last conversation I had with my supervisor.

D.B was a brilliant supervisor, a good man and a great friend. He had been concerned about me, ever since I made that stupid offhand sarcastic comment about the 'joys of long distance relationships'. He told me he doesn't know how I do it, although I can honestly say I don't know either. Playing phone tag isn't exactly how I wanted to spend my 3 year anniversary.

I glanced down at my left ring finger, now absent of that gold band I fell naked without, a white tan line mocking me and my failed marriage. My throat suddenly felt tight, my eyes burning as I remembered his voice on the phone. Trying to remain calm but sounding defeated, he stated had thought long and hard about his decision, that he was thinking about me and my needs. I braced myself against D.B's desk, fighting the bile climbing my throat, listening intently.

No, I shook my head, pulling myself back into the present. I would not think about that, about him. I need to move on, I told myself. Again. I turned the radio up, only now becoming aware of the jumpy song on the radio.

_I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone.  
I crashed my car into the bridge. I watched, I let it burn.  
I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs.  
I crashed my car into the bridge_.

_I don't care! I love it! I don't care!_

I smiled at the careless and free-living tone of the song. Everything I needed right now. I needed to not care any more. D.B. had given me an extra couple of days off for myself to enjoy. So..I'm planning on enjoying them. "Now just for a distraction" I mumbled out loud to no one in particular. Pondering silently what to do or where to go with my free time, I made a spontaneous decision and began driving. Grinning, I scrambled blindly through my bag on the passenger seat. Finding the desired object, I pulled it from the rest of the contents of the bag.

Holding my phone in one hand, my other on the steering wheel, I concentrated on the road while it rang. "Come on, come on" I groaned as I paused at a crossing. On the 4th ring, she picked up.

"Hey, Laurie. Its Sara"

"Sara? Hey!" Laurie greeted me with enthusiasm. We had worked together at the lab here in San Francisco for almost 4 years before I left. We regularly got in touch via email and on Skype. She had married a detective a few years after I left and now had 3 beautiful children. She had sent me pictures of her children, each time they were born. 2 boys and 1 girl. Each time, I ignored the jealous tug on my womb as I congratulated her. The tugs got worse after I married Gil, but I never told him. "I heard the appeal went well? You should come and visit us while you are here" I started driving once more, checking my mirrors before replying to her.

"Yeah, I will do actually. I'm planning on taking a few days off work, you know, just to relax".

"Whoa. Who are you and what have you done with my workaholic friend Sara Sidle?" She giggled down the phone. I grinned at how easily the banter flowed between us.

"Well, I've had a few changes in my life"

"Oh, do tell"

"I would, but I don't have the time at the moment" I lied. I had plenty of time, just not for discussing this over the phone. "But, I'll save it for later, when I come see you. I actually called for something particular"

"Oh. Okay" She was disappointed, but she would get over it. "It's fine, I'll see you when I see you. What's up?"

"Laurie, do you remember that NTSB guy I dated way back when?"

"Oh, Doug Wilson. How could I forget? Yummy.." She giggled once more.

"Yeah him" I smiled down the phone. "Do you have any idea where I could find him?"

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**TBC. Please R&R. Thanks!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Title: **Chapter 2

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_Thanks for all the reviews and feedback, its greatly appreciated. Keep it coming! A lot of you have reviewed and even inboxed your concern over Sara meeting Doug, so I apologise in advance. But keep reading! It will all be worth it in the end. Thank you. Enjoy the second chapter! _

**Summary: "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured" ― Gordon B. Hinckley **

* * *

_Monday, May 26th 1997._

"Morning" He mumbled against the bare skin of my back. I awoke sprawled about the bed, stomach down and naked as the day I was born. I turned my head quickly to find the source of my lovers voice, causing my brunette mane to fan out across the pillow. My eyes squinted as they adjusted to the light filling the room. I gradually brought my eyes to the NTSB beside me, his features soft with content. He brought his hand up to softly graze my skin, pressing down gently with his nails. I groaned happily at the sensation as I stretched, pressing back into him.

"And a great morning it is" I sighed as I rolled over to face him. I laid on my back with my modesty barely covered by the sheet while Doug lounged on his side, his left hand tracing circles on my stomach under the sheets. He dipped down to plant wet kisses onto my shoulder, nipping gently while his index finger circled my navel. "Hey, we need to get up. We have an investigation to get on with" I clamped my hand around his arm, playfully pushing him away. He responded by shaking it off and pressing me back into the bed.

"We have time. The air crash site isn't going anywhere Miss Sidle" He growled as he brought his lips to mine. As the kiss deepened, I felt my head clouding with desire. I moaned my delight as he slid his hand up my leg and brought it to a rest on my hip. My fingers climbed through his dark hair. I pulled back long enough to witness the fresh lust in his eyes, before he launched an attack on my now exposed chest.

"How much time exactly?" I smiled as he nipped gently at a patch of fair skin. He broke contact as he turned to look at the bedside clock. He frowned as he worked out the time. It was 7:04 in the morning. Apparently, according to his features, we didn't have as much time as he wanted.

"About...twenty minutes" He soon resumed what he was doing, leaving a slightly wet trail between my breasts. One hand rested on my ribcage, his thumb danced along my skin and rubbed against the underside of the fleshy mound in a delightful tease.

"Oh. So enough time to get it on twice and have a nice long cuddle afterwards" I giggled as I heard him groan.

"Oh is that right?" He shot a brow up.

"That's right" I taunted back, sticking my tongue out for measure.

"Cheeky!" He laughed as he began tickling me mercilessly.

"No, please Doug. Stop it" I squealed, doubling over in a vain attempt at protecting my stomach. I tried to push him away, tears of laugher escaping my eyes as his hands attacked my midriff. "I'm laughing..but..I'm serious" I struggled between bouts of laughter. He chuckled as I twisted my body left and right trying to escape. Eventually he stopped, much to my relief. I gave a mock growl, before pushing him onto his back and cuddling up alongside him. I raised my head slightly to check the bedside clock. It now read 7:08. "Oh look, you've wasted four of your precious twenty minutes". He turned his head in the same direction.

"That's your fault, you're a distraction Miss Sidle" He chuckled, wrapping his arm around my body and resting his hand on my hip once more. I smiled as he began to play with the skin there. "I like this anyway" He sighed, placing his other hand behind his head as he relaxed. I began to relax into the embrace before he interrupted the peaceful silence. "I was thinking, maybe we could go out later. Like a proper date"

"You made me dinner last night. Isn't that a date wise guy?"

"Well...an out date then. There's this new place that's just opened. A dive bar I think, called the 'Rusty Nickel' if you want to check that out?"

"Sounds so..sterile." His torso jiggled as he laughed softly at my germaphobic ways.

"Stop being such a mysophobe"

"Well, lets see how you like it when you get food poisoning because of or salmonella or something" My slim index finger prodded his firm chest for good measure. "Bet you would enjoy that, huh?"

"Only if I could pass it on to you" He grinned down at me, pressing a kiss into my head.

"And who says romance is dead?"

_Monday, September 16th 2013._

I was quite impressed actually by the turn out. The lecture hall was quite short in length, but wide and packed with eager students and curious parents. Doug stood at the front, on a large platform stretching the width of the room and addressed the crowd clearly. It was obvious from the way he spoke he was indeed passionate about his job, about NTSB as a whole. Sat near the back of the room with my sunglasses in my lap, I felt happy for him. Happy that he had found such contentment in his own life. Even from the back of the room, the burn of anticipation and excitement in his eyes whenever a question was asked, could not be mistaken. That reminded me of a certain someone, although I shook away the thought, banning my mind from reminiscing about those times. Looking back with the knowledge I have now, they are almost bitter sweet.

Laurie didn't know where I could find Doug, but she did give me the number for his main office. They then told me that 'Mr Wilson is currently guest lecturing at the city college of San Francisco'. It took me exactly twenty-eight minutes to drive here, although the crowd of students outside the main hall told me where to head next. A popular speaker it seems, although the dopey-eyed looks and the many 'isn't he just dreamy' statements that were being passed around by the young student girls suggested to be that they weren't here to listen to him talk about mid-air collision avoidance technology, ground proximity warning systems and smoke detectors in lavatories.

"Suppose those smoke detectors kind of suck for those of you in the mile high club that enjoy the post-coital cigarette" He chuckled light-heartedly, earning laughter and praise from the young audience. "But on a serious note, those transportation safety improvements are just one of the many inspired or brought around by the NTSB, and that's just for aviation. In total, the NTSB has issued around 13,000 safety recommendations in its history. Those recommendations stretch to many areas, including rail, highway, marine, pipeline, multi-modal and my favourite, aviation. I'd say that's impressive but-" he threw his hands to the sides as he spoke "-maybe I'm being biased" He flashed a grin, earning sighs and awe-struck looks from the females in the large room and probably a couple of the guys. I did have to admit, the years had certainly been kind to him. A few hands raised in the audience and it seemed for a few moments Doug had trouble deciding who to answer first. He pointed to a young gentlemen a couple rows ahead of me, wearing casual slacks and a loose fitting navy shirt. "Yes? You have a question?"

The freckle faced boy's arm went limp as he spoke above the crowd "Hello, yes. Did you, or anyone you know that part in the investigations of the 9/11 attacks?" One of Doug's eyebrows climbed his forehead as he listened. He was used to such questions, he had once told me. It's just public interest, but someone people could be quite morbid in their enquiries. He once detailed to me that three teenage boys had approached him after he had given a talk at a High School in Minnesota, only for them to ask him about how many bodies he saw on-board the planes used in the attacks and exactly what damage had been done to them. It had dismayed him that they seemed less concerned about the deaths of these people, instead seeing it as some sort of entertainment.

"Well, actually yes I did, along with a few colleagues of mine. We worked with the Department of Justice after the attacks, but they took over soon after. I remember it was a very scary time, for everyone involved. A few of my colleagues, and friends I might add, actually left the department when the investigation was over." There was a hint of sadness in his voice as he answered the young man's question. He forced himself to perk up a little though as he scanned the crowd for more raised hands. "Okay, I'll answer yours next" He extended his arm, his finger pointed on the end to a person I could not see.

"Why is aviation your favourite?" A high pitched female voice. Doug smiled as he clasped his hands together.

"Well...I suppose it probably has something to do with the fact that, as a child, I loved planes" He chuckled as he appeared to reminisce. "But, as I grew older, I became fascinated with the inner workings of the actual plane. Its a huge and very beautiful man-made thing, in my eyes at least. I suppose my curiosity just grew and grew along with my knowledge. Plus, you can have a lot of fun in planes.

"Dudes in the mile high club. Nice!" A young male voice this time, supported by boyish cheers from his friends.

"I can neither confirm nor deny that." Doug laughed along with the crowd, his eyes now filled with amusement. "I have a few moments left, are there any more questions?"

I remained seated as the room emptied slowly. The mixture of reactions on their faces took me back to my college years. Some looked relieved it was other, others disappointed they couldn't have more time. I wasn't the only one hanging around, a few of the dopey-eyed girls had stayed also. A small group gathered around the grinning NTSB as they asked him a range of questions, not all of them even related to the topic of discussion. Used that technique before I smirked. I did have too many questions about anthropology..although I can't quite remember the answers that he gave me. "Well in a lot of cases, air crashes occur when passengers act in a way which may upset or disturb other passengers. For example if someone produces a weapon. A fight ensues when one passenger tries to overpower another" Doug explained to the little group, his deep voice filling the room.

Without warning, I was transported back to the air crash investigation that had taken place in Vegas a few months back. To see Doug there, in the lab that had become like a second home, was a shock that my colleagues were not oblivious to. Finn automatically picked up that we were much closer than I had previously stated.

In the set up plane in the lab, Doug had stood before me helping with the dramatisation of the events. "One of the other passengers sees you-"

"Jane or John Doe" I confirmed, my right arm extended towards the 'cock pit' with my fingers moulded like a gun. He advanced towards me as he continued speaking.

"-tries to overpower you" Warmth gathered as he curled his hand around my small wrist. "And we struggle for the gun" I continued. He brought his other hand up, this time placing it on my lower back and pressed his weight against mine. I pulled my head back, trying to maintain distance but unintentionally pressed my chest into his. My left hand placed on his shoulder for support, I tried to be as professional as possible, which was proving difficult as he gazed at me intently during our 'struggle'. For a moment, I was taken aback by his clouding eyes and half smile. I cleared my throat while forcing myself to look away before continuing.

"In that struggle the gun goes off, entering the cabin door."

"Would explain the initial slow loss of cabin pressure" His tone was smooth and husky. Ignoring it, I continued.

"And then, Harrigan breaks free, commandeers the plane" I cleared my throat again, saddened that my head couldn't be cleared as easily right now. My other hand joined with his shoulder then gently pushed him away, although a part of me didn't want to. My wedding band suddenly felt hot and heavy on my finger. As much as I wanted to avoid looking at his face, I didn't miss the hint of curiosity that spread across it as I stepped away from him.

Snapping back into the present, I looked towards Doug stood near the stage he was on previously. "Okay ladies. I've had a lovely time but I need to get back to my office. Thanks for the interest though" Doug's voice struggled to be heard above the all the giggling. By the looks of it, he still hadn't noticed me quietly sitting here. The girls began to move away, speaking in hushed and excited tones with each other as they did so. After watching them for a few moments, I turned my attention back to Doug.

"Sara?" His knitted eyebrows were matched with a wide smile. "What you doing here?"

"Well, I just couldn't resist learning more about transportation safety" I grinned as I stood. Walking towards him, he parted his arms and embraced me in a bear hug. He stepped back, but held my hands in his as he peered at me.

"As irresistible as that is, what are you really doing here" His eyes dropped to my left hand, noting the absence of something. In an instance I felt bare and ashamed for some reason. "Oh..I see. Sara, I'm sorry"

"Don't be. We...we were breaking down for a long time"

"I knew you were unhappy when I last saw you, I'm sorry I couldn't help"

"You did" My chested raised then dropped with a heavy sigh. "You gave me the wake-up call I needed"

"God. Are you okay? I mean, I know divorce is quite hard but-"

"-we're separated, not divorced" I interrupted with a shot of sadness. His brow shot up.

"Oh..okay. Erm..what exactly does that mean? For the two of you, I mean."

"Doug..I'm really not sure. I don't even know why I'm here" I pulled my hands from his before I stepped away, feeling quite silly at my spontaneous actions. Heat gathered in my cheeks as I made a beeline for the exit. Doug spoke to my back as I left.

"It must be for a reason...Oh! I've got it" He quickly moved in front of me to block my exit. "You missed our beer talks and meat feast pizza nights?" He grinned, fists on hips. I couldn't help but laugh at the change in the man before me. A formal and professional on stage, a big kid off it.

"Yeah, that must be it" I rolled my eyes giggling. "I've got a few days off work but I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. Guess I just wanted to check in with you." His hands dropped to his side as he approached me once more.

"Well...how about that dinner I offered? NTSB picks up the tab remember?"

"That..sounds great actually." I smiled at him.

"Cool..I've just got to go to the office first, paperwork." Chuckling light-heartedly, he gripped my elbow and lead me through the exit into the main area of the college. "But I can pick you up later. Where are you staying?"

"The Fairmont" The sun offended my eyes as we stepped outside. College kids wandered in all directions, a group huddled in the smokers corner sharing cigarettes and jock like boys tried to impress preppy girls with their rides and credit cards. All bought by daddy of course. I quickly grabbed my sunglasses and pulled them on. Doug squinted as he looked at me.

"Nice. I'll grab you there at about eight? Or is that too late?" He looked worried for a second.

"No its fine. I work graveyard shift remember? I'm used to eating with the vampires and werewolves"

"Sink your teeth into a nice bit of human?" We stopped as we reached my car parked close to the college entrance. I leaned against the drivers side door as we laughed. The heat gathered in the metal from the sun warmed my back.

My head dipped as I scoffed slightly while shaking my head. "No, I'm a vegetarian. Not my thing" My tongue slid out as I faked being repulsed.

"What? Your a vegetarian? Since when?"

"Since about 2000"

"But you love..I mean loved beef jerky and meat feasts? Remember, we used to get extra pepperoni?" I smiled as I remembered back to our nights in together. When we weren't at the Rusty Nickel, we liked to enjoy each others company in private. Usually, Doug would pick the newest horror film, while I cooked..well, while I ordered in. Meat feast pizzas were our favourite, guzzled down with beer as we laughed at how unrealistic the deaths of the characters were. The thought of all the meat now actually made me ill.

"Yeah, I remember. I can cook better too you know"

"Jeez, it's like a whole new Sara Sidle. You still got that Sidle smile though, I'm happy with that" He was flirting but the attention complimented me. Remembering the tone of the song in the car, I decided to flirt back. What the heck, I reasoned with my conscience.

"Well" I moved from the car closer to him, our lips a few inches away. "I look forward to getting reacquainted." Looking lost for words, I spoke for him. "So..eight o'clock?" He nodded his confirmation before gathering his bearings.

"Ye..yes. I'll grab you then" He flashed a genuine smile as I practically jumped into my car. I waved goodbye before keying the ignition and speeding away.

* * *

**I apologise for that Doug/Sara bit, but its necessary for the story. I'll be honest though, it was difficult to write. Thanks for reading, please let me know what you think. Thank you. O, and about the updates, are they too frequent or not soon enough? Thanks.**

**TBC.**


	4. Chapter 3

**Title: **Chapter 3

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_Thanks for all the reviews and feedback, its greatly appreciated. Keep it coming! Here's the next chapter. All those of you showing concern about Doug and Sara, I'm sorry! But it will be worth it in the end...or will it? Look out for a delightful return in this chapter.._

**Summary: "Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruellest irony." ― Douglas Coupland**

* * *

_Monday, September 16th 2013. - Later that day_

6:12 pm. "Should probably start getting ready" I muttered, closing my book gently. I was reading _To Kill a Mockingbird_, a personal favourite of mine. Its battered and slightly torn edges were definitely testament to that. Sliding off the beige single seat, I walked across the room towards the en-suite in the far corner but not before stopping at the bed. I pulled the suitcase from under it, opening it on the champagne sheets. Making sure the curtains were closed, I pulled my shirt over my head and crouched to pull my jeans off. Then my bra and panties followed suit. After placing them all in the 'dirty section' in my suitcase, I walked into the en-suite.

The steam and heat from the shower was exactly the comfort I needed. I braced myself against the cool tiles as the near molten spray pelted my back. Sighing, I reached for the shampoo and began massaging some into my scalp. Due to this I stood back a little, the spray now aimed at my chest, with water running down my stomach and legs. After rinsing, I repeated the process with conditioner then left the lovely heat of the shower. With a cotton towel wrapped tightly around my frame, I left the bathroom and entered the larger hotel room. The suitcase was still opened on my bed. I whipped my head around to check the bedside clock once more. 6:48. Astounded I had actually spent that much time just in the shower, my attention turned back to the open suitcase. "What to wear, what to wear" I out loud. "You know, you should really stop talking to yourself Sara Sidle, its the first sign of madness" I laughed as my fingers ran along the clean clothes in the case.

"Now all you need is a method" I heard his voice fill the room. I spun on my heel to find Gil standing there before me. Dressed in casual jeans and a black shirt, he leaned against the wall with arms crossed. He tilted his head as he gazed at me dressed in merely a towel. A smile spread across his face as his deep teal eyes shined.

"Gil" I breathed, blood rushing to my cheeks and chest as I realised this was the first time we had seen each other in months and I was dressed..in a hotel towel. He left the support of the wall to stand up straight. "What are you doing here? How did you find me?"

"God, I've missed you Sara, I need you" He advanced on me, wrapping his arms around me and planting kisses all over my face. "I need you" He moved his hands to my face, bringing his lips to mine. I moaned into him, captured by his mouth. We pulled apart, searching each others faces for objections. He gripped my towel, pulling it gently from my body but his gaze did not venture from my face. I grabbed his shoulders and crushed my lips into his. He growled, pushing me backwards onto the bed.

I moaned as he kissed my neck. He smiled against my skin as I arched my back, needing to be as close to him as possible. My breathing accelerated as he made his way to my breasts. "Make love to me" I panted as I pulled him closer.

I awoke with a start. The towel was still bundled around me, the hotel room empty save for myself. No Grissom. Just a dream. My shoulders dropped as disappointment raged through me followed by anger. The bedside clock now read 7:26. Deducing that I must have fallen asleep after stepping out of the shower, I pulled myself up before making my way towards the full length mirror. As I had not had chance to blow dry my hair, it had dried to form unruly curls. "Great" Curls bounced as I shook my head at myself. It would just have to do.

I shortly found myself at my suitcase once more, searching for what to wear. Time was definitely not on my side this evening. A pair of black skinny jeans that Finn had encouraged me to buy because I would 'look smoking hot in them' caught my eye. Teaming them with a shimmering blue loose vest top, matching pumps and my favourite black jacket, I was good to go. Foundation, smoky eye shadow and lip gloss were applied delicately as I waited for Doug. Butterflies waltzed in my stomach to produce an almost sickly feeling. I swung a long strapped purse onto my shoulder as I sat on the single sofa seat and picked up my book once more.

* * *

At 7:56 I decided to make my way to the lobby area. Searching the faces and not finding Doug's, I sat in the lounge to wait. I decided to have a round of people watching while I sat there, purse on my lap. My sight settled on a man stood at the bar, dressed in a smart suit and ordering the most expensive drink on the menu. A travelling business man who had all expenses paid to the company by the looks of it. He was soon joined by a blonde in a flowing red dance that caressed her lithe body as she sauntered through the room. Her hand slid up his back and rested on his shoulder, caressing him as she tossed her head to the side. Frowning, I glanced curiously at their left ring fingers. His was occupied, hers was not. Ah, a travelling business man who enjoyed delighting in a taste of the...local amenities. I smirked before turning my attention to an older couple, in their 70's I'd estimate. There hands joined, the husband pulled his wife towards him, placing a tender kiss on her wrinkling but soft cheeks. A smile graced her lips as she blushed. I swallowed hard as a defiant lump formed in my throat. The happiness shared between them was .

"Wow, you don't scrub up half bad". I turned to the source of the voice to find Doug standing next to my seat. He was also dressed smart-casual in dark jeans, a crease free button up green shirt and shined shoes. Sunglasses pocked out from the breast pocket, gleaming in the light of the chandeliers. "You checking me out?" He grinned down at me. He crossed his arms as he acted shocked but an amused smile played on his face. My cheeks flushed as I realised he had caught me in the act. I cleared my throat to try and dislodge the lump.

"Just seeing if you're dressed well enough for me to venture out in the public with you."

"You know, I can't believe the audacity of some people. This is going to be an interesting date" I snickered as I stood to join him. He moved to the side and gestured me to follow him to his car. Before leaving, I allowed myself once last glance at the happy older couple.  
"Oh, its a date now? Thought it was just dinner" We moved past the adulterers then exited the building. The air was slightly humid, while the setting blood-orange sun had seemingly split the sky into an array of pinks, reds and blue hues.

"It's a dinner date" He gripped my arm to pull me towards his car, parked to the left of the entrance. He turned to me as we neared the vehicle. "You got a problem with that?" The car chirped as it was unlocked. I rounded the bonnet, which matched the colour of my jeans, to gain access to the passenger side.

"Yeah" I answered while pulling the passenger side door open. "I don't like you that much" I grinned before entering the car. The car shifted as he joined me.

"Well, ain't that a shame. Suppose I'll just have to get by on my personality"

"Oh no. That's the worst part"

"If you only want me for my body, that's your problem" He turned his head to give a boyish smirk.

"Stop flirting with me and keep your eyes on the road, Romeo".

"This place is really lovely Doug" I awed, gazing around the delicious smelling atmosphere. The silver, candle light chandelier hung profoundly from the centre of the almost satin looking ceiling. A few more much smaller wall lights, identical to the one hanging from the roof, protruded from the burgundy walls. "I feel a little under-dressed" I admitted, shrinking within myself.

"Nonsense, you look beautiful" It seemed as though that smile of his would be plastered on all night. I blushed as the waiter returned with our desired meals. A creamy butter-nut squash for me while Doug ordered a steak with peppercorn sauce. We spoke our gratitude to the waiter before he left, then picked up our utensils. Doug peered down as his steak, before looking back up at me, his mouth agape as his shoulders sagged. "Oh shit. I forgot. You're a vegetarian now aren't you...I'll send this back-".

I dropped my utensils and held up my hands to silence him. "Hey its fine. People eat meat around me all the time, I'm used to it."

"Are you sure?" Concern still held prominence on his face. "It's really no problem. I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything"

"Yes, I'm sure. Enjoy your...rotting cow" I smirked as I picked up my fork.

"How could I not when you put it like that?" His grin returned as concern washed away. We began eating and found we were happily content in being in each others presence. "So, are you going to tell me what happened between you and the fantastic Mr Grissom?"

"Dr..and no, I'm not". I snapped back, not happy with the sudden assault. I had killed the easy going mood between us, I knew, but I couldn't help the response. Doug's eyes dropped back to his meal, clearly unsure of what to say next. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you" I shook my head as I watched him eat awkwardly.

"No, it's fine. I shouldn't have pried into your business. I just..want to make sure you are okay" He focused on the plate on his side of the table as he spoke.

"Are you concerned or worried?" I enquired, remembering a similar conversation with the infamous man that was soon to be my ex-husband. Doug peered at me, his eyes searching my face for an answer. A single brow shot up as he continued to cut his steak. After smearing some sauce on the pulpy steak piece, placing it in his mouth and consuming it, he decided to answer.

"Worried" I frowned at his answer. Deciding to give him a moment to elaborate, I scooped a sizeable amount of risotto onto my fork and placed it in my mouth. The sweetness of the butter-nut squash complimented the creaminess of the risotto perfectly. I groaned happily at the sensation of flavours. Doug noticed, raising a brow once more.

"You know, eventually you'll lose that brow in your hairline" I pursed my lips at him, hoping he would reciprocate and resurrect the less tense atmosphere we had moments before. Before the 'G' word was mention.

"You know, if you keep making those noises in restaurants, eventually someone will offer you a role in the remake of 'When Harry met Sally'" He chuckled, bringing his wine glass to his lips. I laughed back, feeling my shoulders and back loose stress. "Doesn't the CSI in you want to know why I'm worried rather than concerned?" He placed the glass down, the deep red staining his usually rose lips. Then he attacked his meal once more.

"It's CSI Sidle's time off. But I wouldn't mind knowing, no" I gulped a mouthful of buttery bread then turned my attention back to my half eaten meal.

"The thing is..the way I see it at least..is that worry is more personal than concern." He stole a piece of bread from the basket beside me. The bread was torn, then used to mop up left over peppercorn sauce. "To say you're concerned is like something you would say to an employee or something". At this I chocked a little on my food. Doug looked up with wide eyes while I struggled to swallow. "Sara? Are you okay?"

"Fine" I muttered, emptying my wine glass as I tried to settle my thudding heart. Truthfully, I felt as though my ribcage would shatter any minute at the sheer force. "We need more wine". I turned around to get the attention of a nearby waiter.

"I have to admit, new Sara Sidle is something of an enigma" He spoke softly. I smiled at this before finishing my last mouthful of food. "Vegetarian, div- I mean, separated, living in Sin City. What else have you got in store?" He placed his elbow on the table, leaning on it as he looked at me.

"I suppose you'll just have to stick around to find out". The waiter had returned, taking our empty plates and replacing the empty bottle of wine.

"Any desserts this evening?" The waiter had a strong Italian accent as he leaned down slightly to address us. Dressed in nearly all black attire, the young man certainly looked the part.

"What do you say? You're still a sucker for fudge cake right?" Doug tilted his head at me. I nodded, sucking the flesh of my lower lip between my teeth and holding it captive. "We'll have one of those. Two forks please" He nodded politely as the waiter left.

Taylor Wynard. The way he had appeared at my table that night had caught me off guard, I wasn't lying to D.B about that. Part of me, the part of me I was ashamed of, was glad that he had and that I wasn't alone on my birthday. Although, a larger part of me felt shame and disgust at what I had shared with that man a few weeks earlier.

* * *

It was a seedy dive bar, a bit like the Rusty Nickel but without the history. I had gone alone, wedding band on finger and loneliness seemingly seeping from every pore of my being. I had chosen it because I knew there was little to no chance of me accidentally seeing one of the team or anyone I knew. I was sat at the bar about to start my third beer when he had approached me, as slick and cool as ever. He also had a band on his finger, something that I noted as he sat beside me.

"And what is a woman like you doing in a place like this" He practically shouted over the music. A serial adulterer, obviously, but he was handsome, charming and I was feeling lonely.

"Oh come on. Women in these types of bars are easy pickings for guys like you" I turned to look him dead in the eye, the cold beer in my hand. He didn't miss a beat as he moved a little closer.

"I like you, you're different" Another line, probably used in abundance. "Why don't we get to know each other a little better in a booth over there? I could hear you better there, that's all." He smiled.

"Yeah, that's why. You aren't fooling anyone...Mr.."

"Wynard. Taylor Wynard" He stood, inviting me to follow him. I hesitated a few seconds, before deciding to throw caution in the wind.

A few hours later I was drunk, pressed against my car with his lips smashed against me. I giggled as his hands roamed my torso. He returned to my mouth, his hand beginning to slide under my shirt to caress the skin of my stomach. "We taking this to your place or mine?" He growled as he pressed his arousal into my thigh. I smiled as he lavished more attention on me, then I glimpsed a sparkle in the corner of my eye. My wedding band...the one that Gil would be wearing somewhere in the world at this very moment no doubt. My breathing became constricted as I stiffened. "Sara?" Taylor pulled away with concern in his eyes as he noted the sudden change in body language.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this" I pushed him away, fumbling away to find a taxi. Nausea racked my body as I stumbled away, acutely aware of Taylor following me. Tears burned my eyes as I searched desperately for a taxi, sickened by the fact that I nearly slept with another man while wearing my wedding ring.

"Sara! Sara please wait! Let's talk!" He was stumbling as much as I was, his movements slowed by the alcohol. A taxi was parked on the street nearby to my eternal relief.

"I'm sorry!" I shouted as I jumped into the car, before directing the driver to my home and asking him to step on it.

* * *

"Sara?" I jumped at Doug's voice. "Sara...you're kind of staring into nothing" Doug waved his hands ahead of my face as I was brought back into the present, into the Italian restaurant I was dining in..with my ex-boyfriend no less. Embarrassed, I sipped some wine to calm myself.

"Sorry, I was daydreaming" I gave a shaky laugh as he tilted his head at me. I glanced around quickly and, upon seeing that no one else had noticed my embarrassing daydream, turned my attention back to Doug. "Did you order dessert?" I asked trying to steer the conversation a little.

He chuckled, bracing his arms on the table as he spoke. "Yeah, hot fudge cake. Got it with some cream. I think we earned the right to spoil ourselves" At that moment, the waiter returned baring a plate with a particularly large slice of steaming chocolate fudge cake. Thick, gooey sauce ran from the moist wedge, collecting around the small pouring jug filled with clotted cream. My mouth watered as I spied the pudding.

"That..looks awesome" I grinned as Doug passed me a fork.

"Chef gave you guys a nice big slice, thought you made a cute couple" The young waiter smiled down at us, probably confused at the frown that crossed my face.

"Well, can you thank him, at my and my girlfriend's expense?" Doug grinned in amusement at my face. I returned the look as I broke into the pudding with a fork.

"Of course, enjoy your dessert and your evening guys". We waited until the waiter was out of earshot before speaking again.

"A cute couple?" I pursed my lips at him. "Really?"

"I know right? If anything we are a hot couple...and even then all the hotness comes from me" He chuckled as I playfully thumped his shoulder over the table.

"So does all the modesty too it seems". I pulled a piece of cake to my lips, but not before dribbling some on myself. Luckily, it missed my new top..but instead landed in my cleavage. Doug pulled his lips together to try to stop himself from laughing as I dipped my fingers into my cleavage to retrieve the lost chocolate sauce.

"It's not funny" I giggled, licking the sauce from my index finger. He parted his lips to speak, but only succeeded in a joyful ridicule of my actions, his shoulders jumped as he did so. "I see how it is. Let's see how you like it" I scorned as I dabbed my finger in the sauce, then reached over the table to wipe it on his nose. He tried to move away but was too slow. "Now that's what you call brown nosing" I smiled triumphantly, but squealed as he extracted revenge.

In a few moments we had eaten half the chocolate fudge cake, the better half it had ended up smeared across my cheek, dangling from my hair, Doug's nose, his left eyebrow and a few bits clinging to his once all green shirt. Also in that time, we had earned our fair share of disapproving looks from other, older diners. "I think it's time to pick up the bill and leave" Doug mouthed as he leaned across the table. I nodded as I grabbed my coat.

* * *

"God that was like Rusty Nickel all over again" Doug referred to the disapproving looks we had earned in the restaurant, one woman even huffed as she tipped her nose skyward and stated that we were 'as good as immature little children'. We were sat in a bar down the road from the Fairmont hotel that I was staying at, sipping on cold beers in a little corner booth. I groaned as he reminded me of the past.

"Please don't bring that up. That wasn't even my fault" I scoffed as I wiped some of the leftover sauce from my face and hair with a nearby napkin, but I had caught most of it in the restaurant.

"Yeah, I suppose that red head girl did just walk into your fist"

"See? I told you that's what happened! You just needed to see it from my perspective. I was just sitting there, minding my own business when BAM! This random girl walks into my fist...that was already clenched for some unknown reason" My head tilted back as I emptied the bottle I was drinking from with my eyes wide, attempting to feign innocence.

"I bet that's happened to a few people over the years huh?" Doug relaxed in the booth seat, stretching his legs out while keeping his sight on myself.

"You have no idea" I planted the empty bottle down on the table before turning to him. "I have no control over these babies" I raised my arms and shook them to emphasise my point, giving a wide smile at the same time.

"You should have some sort of warning label..so the general public know not to go near you when you're angry..or drunk..or hungry...or...in fact, just so the general public don't go near you" He guffawed as he ordered another round. This time we had a female waitress, in her mid-twenties. A pretty brunette that had fluttered her eyes at Doug when we had walked into the place. She did it again, just for good measure.

"Now who is being audacious?" I spluttered as I waited for the bar waitress to leave with our drink orders. "Audacious and blind by the looks of it" I smirked as I played with my fingers.

"Sorry?" He leaned forwards as though he had missed something in my wording.

"The waitress? She totally has the hots for you?" I thumbed in the direction of the waitress who was at our table moments ago. Doug turned his head in the direction of the bar, where the young woman in question was conversing with the barman. A shrug occupied his shoulders while he turned back to face me.

"Oh her? The brunette?" He paused as I nodded my confirmation. "Nah, brunettes are a little dull..just book nerds and over-achievers generally" That boyish grin appeared as he taunted me.  
"Caught your eye before, Mr NTSB guy.."I slurred a little as the waitress returned with our drinks and I immediately began on my third or fourth bottle, on top of the wine at the restaurant. The numbing feeling spreading through me was almost a relief, but I decided to slow it down a little as the conversation got interesting.

"I know, that's why I avoid women like you" He smiled back, sincere at this point. A little taken aback, I moved closer to him hoping to gain some truths. I placed my beer next to his on the table and, keeping my hand there, spoke a little louder than I would usually over the music.

"Was it really that bad between us? Didn't mean to traumatise you and put you off intelligent, self confident women for life." I shrugged, trying to play nonchalant while drinking more beer. "It sure does explain Candy the yoga instructor though" I muttered, aiming to offend him. This was clearly unsuccessful as he gave a short, but warm laugh.

"Quite the opposite actually" His hand was placed on the table, gently closing over mine. "Things between us were..really good Sara. I honestly don't know why it broke down. But I always knew from the moment we were over that I couldn't be with a woman like you again, I would just be met with disappointment because it..it wouldn't be the same" His eyes searched mine each second he spoke. Lost for words, I stuttered as he closed the distance between us.

The kiss was soft and dry, the way I remember them back when we first started our relationship. It soon deepened as his hand was brought to my neck, pulling me closer. My own hand soon found its way to his broad shoulder as he smiled against my lips. We broke apart for air, eyes on each other once more. A small smile played on his face as he pulled me towards him once more, supporting himself with a warm hand on my lower thigh.

"No, Doug. I can't" I stammered as I pulled away, struggling to leave the booth. Disappointment and confusion melted into his face as I muttered more apologies before rushing towards the bar entrance door.

"Sara!?" He called for me, beginning to move from the booth. The cold air was almost suffocating as I entered the night scene outside the bar. "Sara! Please just wait." Doug gripped my arm to prevent me from moving further away.

"Doug, please I just need to be by myself now"

"Talk to me, please. I'm sorry, did I overstep a boundary or..?"

"No, I..I don't know. Please, just..I just need to be alone" I almost cried as I pulled away from him. Guilt coursed through me as I turned away from his saddened features. I had hurt him, confused him and left him. It seemed I was hurting everyone around me at the moment. I sucked back a sob as I disappeared into the night.

* * *

**Thanks for reading, I hope you are enjoying it. Don't forget to R&R!**

**TBC.**


	5. Chapter 4

**Title: **Chapter 4

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_Thanks everybody for reading and a special thanks to those who have been reviewing all along/following or favouriting the story or myself. Keep it coming, the support means a lot. Here is the next chapter for yourselves to read. I have to be honest, I was very excited to post this. Enjoy everybody!_

**Summary: "The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all." ― Walt Disney Company**

* * *

_Thursday, March 29th 2007._

"I held his hand. Just like I held hers. And I lost perspective." I whimpered as Gil stood behind me. His curved finger grazed my cheek as he wiped away a stray tear. I moved my head in accordance to his movements while I choked back more sobs. Silently, he lead me away towards the lab exit, passing a janitor I would get to know all too well in the not so distant future. The ride home was quiet but I didn't miss the concerned glances he threw me every once in a while. I did lose perspective again, I had taken people at face value again and it had not paid off, again. The thought of it all made me sick.

That night as we made love, a loving sob escaped my lips as he entered me, more stray tears rolling down my cheeks. He said nothing, but instead pressed his lips against the salty tears. "I'm sorry" I muttered breathlessly as he continued with his slow deep rhythm. My hand tangled in his salt and pepper curls, the other free on the pillow beside me while my legs curled around his pelvis. "I just..I need.."

"I know, sweetie. It's okay" He brushed hair away from my eyes delicately as he increased speed. My head buried into the crook of his neck, I felt my body shudder against his merciless passion. He moved slightly to allow his hand to enclose mine on the pillow, pinning it there. I pulled back a moment to look at us; a messy tangle of limbs, beads of sweat littered our bodies and our hands clamped together as though our lives depended on it. Our eyes connected as our bodies neared oblivion.

"Don't let go..Gil..don't" I panted as intense convulsions took over me. He returned his love with sweet words, before his own orgasm rid him of basic vocabulary causing him to grunt my name into my shoulder as his one free hand gripped the bedsheets beneath me. Moments after we had recovered, we laid together bathed in the scent of each other while I silently pondered whether he had fully understood the meaning behind my words.

"I'm not going anywhere Sara" Gil stated out loud as though he could read my thoughts. I silently nodded. "I know my leaving on sabbatical was hard for you. It was for me too, I needed to go..but God Sara I missed you deeply. I'm so sorry. You're the woman I love..I should have at least discussed it with you". The way his head dropped made it clear that he has unhappy about the way we had parted..and been parted for a month. In one quick moment I pulled back the sheets we were laid in and straddled him, placing tender kisses on his chest while his hands gripped my hips. "Sara.."

"Shush, Dr Grissom" I silenced him with my mouth, my hands roaming south. "I missed you too...I want to show you how much. The distance was...awful Gil" I placed with his wispy chest hair as I spoke, avoiding his eyes. He formed his hand around my jaw to pull my eyes into his sight.

"I know Sara..but only physical. It wasn't nearly enough to dissuade my devotion to you.." With the love in his eyes and sincerity in his voice, at that time, I believed him.

* * *

_Wednesday, September 18th 2013._

A fresh layer of sweat clung to my body as I was thrown from the dream, or rather the memory. Although the mournful nostalgia relentlessly remained. The bedside clock read 9:28. Sighing I flung aside the bedsheets as I stood from the bed. The day before had mainly consisted of avoiding Doug's calls and nursing a powerful headache with the help of aspirin, spring water, room service and a pay-per-view television. Listening to the growl in my stomach, I decided to get my day started, preferably with a hot shower and a trip to the bakery down the street.

The shower reinvigorated me and washed away the last remnants of my hangover, but not the guilt. I checked my phone for the first time since waking, to find a text from Finn, Greg, a couple from Doug as well as missed phonecalls. As expected, Greg was wishing me a good time, Finn was hoping for a phone call later about any 'romantic developments' while Doug was apologising profusly about Monday nights activities. My shoulders sagged while I searched my phone and cahim, choosing to bypass the many voicemails. Only after a couple rings he picked up.

"Sara..thank God. I..want to apologise, I real-"

"I know...all the messages and voice mails are a good hint" I laughed softly. "I should apologise, that was wrong of me to just leave like that."

"So...so what happened then? Was it too soon? I overstepped the boundaries with the whole 'I'd be disappointed because it wouldn't be the same' thing" He chuckled nervously down the phone. "I had a little too much to drink and you've just recently separated from Grissom. It was wrong of me" For a few moments I stayed silent, unsure of what exactly to say to him. He said my name to question whether I was still on the line or not.

"Yeah..I'm here. I was just taking in everything you've said. Look, I'm confused at what happened that night. Part of me enjoyed kissing you Doug..but another.."

"..felt like you were cheating on Grissom?" He sighed as he finished my sentence.

"Yes." Even in his absence, my gaze dropped to my towel covered lap. I was still in a towel sat on the bed. "That's why I'm so confused. I want to move on, I really do but...I guess I just need to take it slowly. Sorry if I hurt you or..anything"

"It's fine. I understand, Sara. I just wish you had spoke to me sooner about this." He chuckled during a pregnant pause. "I was going out of my mind thinking I had sent you packing back to Vegas with a poor judgement of me". I returned his laugh as we both relaxed down the phone. I glanced at the clock once more before deciding to turn the direction of the conversation.

"Listen, why don't we meet up later? We can..have a second attempt at a date?" I questioned hopefully. "I won't be surprised if you want to avoid me for a while though" My fingers toyed with the edges of the cotton towel.

"I'd love to. What time?" I smiled before answering, a sudden idea crossing my mind.

"Lets say...1 o'clock? Where do you want to go?"

"I'll surprise you. I'll pick you up then in the Fairmont lobby. Bye Sara".

"Bye Doug."

* * *

The almost sickly sweet smell of shampoo's, conditioners and hair styling products bombarded my senses as I entered the hair salon. "Hello there! Do you have an appointment?" a friendly young women with brick coloured hair spoke from behind the reception desk as I entered.

"No..I..erm..I just thought I'd call in. Is that okay?"

"That's fine, what exactly are you looking for?"

"I'm not sure..a new look I suppose..." I tapered off not sure what exactly to say. Maybe I should have called Finn or Catherine before I came, they would have had a better idea as to what I should have asked for. The friendly young women, who was named Crystal according to her name tag, simply shook her head as she escorted me towards a nearby empty seat.

"Why don't you just wait here a moment, I'll go get someone who can assist you". I nodded as she left with a warm smile. There were 6 salon chairs in the hair stylists. Including the one I was sitting in, only 3 were occupied. One customer being a middle eyed women with numerous strips of tin-foil glued to her head, distorting her real hair colour. On the other hand was a prissy looking teenage girl who was ignoring the hair stylists polite attempts at conversation and instead reading a glossy magazine. It seemed as though she was getting slightly darker highlights added to her golden banner of hair.

"Hello Miss. My name is Claire, I'm here to help. Crystal said you are not sure exactly what you are looking for?" My attention turned to the thirty-something stylist who approached my chair. A very feminine woman with hazel eyes and a almost heart shaped face framed with thick auburn hair, a face that was welcoming and trustworthy. I found myself relaxing as she greeted me.

"Hey, I'm Sara..and no, actually." I smiled through my embarrassment at her. "I just want a change I guess."

"Well, lets have a look at you" She walked behind the chair and gripped the top of it. "Let me just swivel this around" I nodded, lifting my feet from the ground for the chair to travel 180 degrees counter clockwise. Now facing the mirror, Claire frowned as she gazed at my face and hair. I resisted the urge to shift in my seat, suddenly feeling uncomfortable under the scrutiny of a woman I had met moments ago. She moved around the chair to look a little closer. "Oval shaped face, slim arching eyebrows, ivory skin..." she muttered as she moved away and grabbed something out of sight. Upon returning she showed me a book with numerous hair samples. "I think I have it. I think we should exaggerate your ivory skin and dark eyes, they are quite a dramatic contrast. This colour would be gorgeous" She fingered a small sample of dark hair that read 'mocha chocolate 3.29'.

"I like it, yeah we should do that" I nodded at the sample as I smiled, genuinely happy. "But could you also..change the style? I'm a little fed up with this" I gesture to my hair with a flick of my wrists. Claire's eyes narrowed as she pondered once more, but widened moments later with excitement.

"Sara, have you ever thought of getting bangs?"

* * *

About two hours later I had left the salon with $76 less than what I walked in with but left with shorter, darker hair and bangs sweeping to the right of my forehead. After parking my rental in the hotel lot, I rode the elevator to my hotel room, quickly changed into some nicer clothes and made my way back down. Retrieving my phone from my shoulder purse, I checked the time as I ordered a cold soft drink from the bar. 12:51 exactly. Due to the days heat, I had opted for a navy blue, above-knee length floral skirt with a simple cream vest top. At this time, the lobby area was quite empty with only a few people coming and going. The only person that had stayed the duration of more than ten minutes like I had was a silver-haired man with hollowed out eyes. However, he was currently on his third scotch. The barman returned with my Coke with ice, passing me a wink as he slid it across the bar top. "Thanks" I smiled as I clasped my hand around it then taking a sip gratefully. The condensation formed on the outside of the glass moistened my slim fingers.

"You've changed your hair" he spoke with a thick New York accent as he cleaned a glass before putting it back in its rightful place in the cupboard above his head. "Is it for that guy that came for you yesterday?"

"No, I just fancied a little change is all" I smiled politely, not exactly loving his intrusion into my personal life. It was no secret that I valued privacy like most would value their wealth. But with the events that had occurred in the past year alone, I surely couldn't be blamed for that. "Hopefully for the better" I gulped the cold drink, not realising how thirsty my body was.

"Looks great. Good luck with that..or should I say him." He tilted his head towards the entrance where Doug now stood, peering around the crowd. Finally he spotted me. As he neared, it became evident he was taking in my new look, a frown crossing his face. My hands came up to brush through my hair as I tried to shake away the self-conscious feeling possessing me.

"Hey there" I muttered as he neared. He returned my hello and stood by the bar side.

"You take care of her, she's a lovely broad" The New York born barman chuckled as he moved away to serve another customer.

"Thanks...I guess." Doug watched for a few seconds as he served the older, troubled man before turning back to me. "You've changed?"

"It's just a haircut" I shrugged as I finished my drink, trying to ignore the feeling of his eyes burning into me. "Are we good to go or do you want to get a drink first?"

"And cringe as that bar guy hits on you?" He thumbed in the direction of the topic of discussion, giving a light half smile.

"He's not flirting...he's just.." One shoulder jumped in a half shrug as I looked for the correct wording.

"A creep." He answered in his usual deep drawl. My mouth dropped open as I looked at him.

"Doug!" I extended my hand to tap his arm playfully. "He could have heard you".

"Suppose we have to go now. Shame" He laughed as he stood back for me to slide from the buffet. I didn't miss his silent admiration of my attire as we made our way to his car.  
"So, where are we going Mr Wilson?"

"We shall see shortly, Miss Sidle".

* * *

We pulled up to the Conservatory of Flowers in Golden Gate park after a short car journey. "Have you ever been?" Doug enquired as he shut off the engine. "I know you like your vegetation" I shook my head, unable to take my eyes from the spectacle in front of us. The pure white structure was a vision based in lush green aches and surrounded by an assortment of trees and beautiful flowers. "So do you want to come with me or are you just going to sit in here and catch some flies for supper?" Dougs eyes flashed amusement as he unbuckled his seat belt and opened his door. I followed suit and met him at the front of the car.

Ahead of us were two large walkways leading to a small flight of stairs. "It's beautiful" I uttered as we made our way towards the grand building, ignoring the irritating humidity.

"My Lord! It speaks!" Doug flung his arms towards the heavens as I cast him a serious look. I gave a shaky smile as we gained distance on the stone stairs.

"Well while we are on the topic of speaking..I should talk to you about what happened the other night"

"You're not very good on dates are you" Doug tried to lighten the dampened mood but knew he was unsuccessful.

"Just let me say my piece, then we can move on?" We were climbing the steps at this point, passing a small family on their way out. The daughter of the family, no older than five, had her face painted as a tiger. A small grin parted my lips as she offered me an amused growl while sticking close to her fathers side. We reached the top of the steps, but I gripped Doug's arm to stop him from going any further, pulling his torso in line with my own. He eyes met mine dead set. "I am trying to move on and Gil was a large part of my life, but he is gone now. I just want to take it slow between us, okay?" I passed my hand between us in a gesture.  
"Sara, I'm fine with that. Take all the time you need, really." He smiled as he clasped my hand in his. "Lets just see where today takes us". An eager nod responded to him as we made our way through the entrance of the conservatory entrance.

The first exhibit we came across was the 'Lowland Tropics' gallery, a large room filled with an extensive amount of lush greenery. My eyes fell on the stump of an enormous Kapok Tree which had light rain falling free into the foliage around it. "Good God" Doug gasped as he spotted a century-old Giant Philodendron surrounded by large colourful fruits which emitted fresh, syrupy fragrances.

"Here we have a highlight for many guests, the coffee plant, Coffea Arabica. It ranks just behind oil as the worlds second most traded legal commodity" I bent slightly to read the plaque out loud.

"And the primary food source for the mysterious creature known only as Sara Sidle" Doug continued, teasing me. I giggled while I pushed him back slightly, a grin playing on his own face. We continued to tour the large conservatory, making our way through the 'Highland Tropics' circled the 'Aquatic plants' and cut through the 'Lowland plants' to reach the 'Potted plants'. Again and again I was amazed at the pure beauty and grace of the many forms of vivacious plant life, both large and small. Everything from the simple lotus flower which as a guide had told us, symbolises perpetual life, purity and beauty, to the striking 'Dracula Iricolor' which is also known as the dragon flower.

"I think that's my favourite one" I had muttered, pointing to the bizarre looking plant which had face like markings and a seemingly hinged lip.

"Dracula Iricolor...comes from the Greek word for little dragon." Doug read as he stood beside me. "Wonder if it breathes fire?" He reached out to slowly caress a petal with his pinkie finger.

"I'm afraid not" I smiled as his hand dropped to the side, grazing against mine. I decided to close the gap and slid my hand into his, hoping to avoid a rejection similar to the one I had given less than forty-eight hours ago. He glanced down at our joined hands before looking up to face me with a wide grin.

"Ah that's okay. You're enough fire for any man to handle. Just sad I didn't bring my black arrow to shoot in your weak spot like Bard the Bowman did with Smaug" He tutted with a small smile, giving my quickly warming hand a squeeze.

"Really? Comparing me to a gold hoarding dragon from mythical fiction Doug?"

"Well you are a feisty character"

"Just because you are a character doesn't mean you have character" I turned away from him to find a grin as we walked towards the special exhibit that changed every so often according to the staff. This time it was 'Butterflies and Blooms'. I stopped at the open archway to wait for Doug to catch up.

"Didn't know you were a fan of Pulp Fiction?" He quizzed me as he stood next to me, his hand toying with a strand of my newly cut hair. "Did I mention that I really like this look on you?" His voiced lowered for only me to hear, although the only thing that registered was the smooth and husky undertone.

"I er, I kind of picked up on it" I returned the tone within my voice, allowing my eyes to narrow on his. "I think we should..." Leaning in, my lips almost graced his before I continued "..check out this next exhibit". I gave a coy smile before turning away from him and entering the exhibit. The look of disappointment on his face was a picture. After a few moments he followed me in, dodging a few free flying butterflies as he did so.

The quite intimate conservatory section was littered with more flowers; daisies, sunflowers, daffodils, zinnias and tulips. Too many butterflies to count flitted from flower to flower, covering themselves in pollen or drinking the sweet nectar.

"This is my favourite section" I muttered as I took in the beautiful site.

"You said that about the aquatic bit" Doug mumbled as he zeroed in on a monarch butterfly resting on a daisy. "This guy is big" He continued while he reached for his phone. Before he could get a good aim however, the butterfly had became wise to his actions and fluttered away. I heard him mutter a 'damn' quietly while I walked around. Before long I felt a light brush on my arm, only to find a visually beautiful red admiral residing there. I suppressed a grin, hoping to not scare the graceful creature away, as I motioned for Doug to take notice. Before he noticed however, the butterfly had left the same way it had appeared, leaving me shaking my head. "You want to walk around and go into that little subsection? A woman on her way out said something about a 'very informative' speaker" Doug pointed towards the end of the section which lead on to another little room. I nodded then made my way there with him slightly behind me.

"Okay, but after I want some pictures with the butterflies". We reached the small subsection to be met with a crowd of high school students. "Probably on a school trip" I spoke to non other than myself, moving my head to try and find the source of the voice flowing throughout the room.

"Of course, many of you will already know that the butterfly life cycle consists of four stages; egg, larva, pupa and adult. The wings, which are the basis for the beautiful and awe-inspiring colours that many of admire, are usually the most popular topic when I give lectures on the butterfly and develop over the life of the butterfly." As he continued, I found a parting in the heads of the students and decided to stand there to get a view of the speaker. I gasped as I set my eyes on his, knowing he had seen me. He stopped speaking for a moment as our silent conversation gained intensity. From behind the students I saw his eyes darken, before he cleared his throat and continued with the talk. "Wings or wing pads are not visible on the outside of the larva, but when larvae are dissected, tiny developing _wing disks_ can be found on the second and third thoracic segments, in place of the spiracles that are apparent on abdominal segments." His hand gestures were as dramatic as his voice was filled with devotion to his career.

He twisted his body to point at charts, diagrams and detailed pictures through the rest of the talk. He finished with details on the butterflies 'rebirth' - "A newly emerged butterfly needs to spend some time inflating its wings with hemolymph and let them dry, during which time it is extremely vulnerable to predators. Some butterflies' wings may take up to three hours to dry while others take about one hour. Most butterflies and moths will excrete excess dye after hatching." As he spoke, his eyes struck mine numerous times. When they did, slight sadness filled his voice. "Any questions?" He asked as he came to the end of this talk, students beginning to shift uncomfortableby. It appeared they had been standing for quite some time.

"That's him, isn't it?" Doug whispered as he leaned in close. Not taking my eyes from the entomologist that all too often occupied my thoughts, I gave a slow, silent nod. "What are the chances...really?" He said, clearly frustrated. A majority of the questions being asked by the pupils were not registered, save for the last one that was asked by a shy girl with pinned back hair.

"Do you prefer butterflies or moths, Dr Grissom?" She pushed her bottle lensed glasses back up her nose with her free hand, the other clutching onto her notebook. Gil gave her a warm smile then flicked his eyes to me, before answering.

"Moths. They have a characteristics that are not recognised as it is often compared to the more obvious beauty of butterflies. The grace, beauty and elegance of the moth is overlooked in favour of the butterfly, even from metamorphosis, which leaves the moth having its own beauty diminished unfortunately." He looked away, back to the girl. I felt myself fall forward slightly when he stopped talking as I realised I had been clinging onto his every word. He spoke in a bewitching tone. He smiled at the young girl, who only blushed crimson in return. A young man close to her shot his hand up and Gil shortly turned to him to answer.

"What did you mean by the beauty of the moth being overlooked from metamorphosis? Don't both moths and butterflies change in cocoons? How would you be able to differentiate between them?" He frowned his confusion as he spoke. Gil smiled, obviously expecting this mistake before the talk even began.

"No." He answered simply, shaking his head. "Butterfly caterpillars form an exposed pupa, known as a chrysalis. Moth caterpillars spin a cocoon, made from silk. Don't worry, its a common mistake, but none of you will make it again" He smiled to the group, who returned his genuine look. He then spoke out loud to bring the talk to an end, while looking directly at me, under the pretext of speaking to the small class.

"But class, to fully appreciate the differences between the butterfly and the moth, the moth should not be compared to the butterfly. Rather, people should view them in there own light, to the moths own standards. That's true beauty."

* * *

**And enter the infamous Dr Grissom! Sorry if some of the butterfly information is incorrect, I'm no expert! If you spotted any mistakes, tell me and I'll correct them. ****Also, how many of you have seen Jorja's new haircut? I love it! Thought it would make a nice addition to the story.**

**Thanks for reading, let me know what you think.**

**TBC.**


	6. Chapter 5

**Title: **Chapter 5

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_Wow! We sure have some Grissom fans in here! Thanks everyone for reading, and a special thanks to those reviewing, favouriting and everything else. So glad you are enjoying it. Sorry for the cliffhanger, but hey...we all need a tease. _

_Also! I need to give some credit to **Ziver69 **for giving me a little inspiration for parts in this chapter in their review. Thanks! _

**Summary: "When I look in the mirror, I know I'm looking at someone who isn't sure she deserves to be loved at all." ― Nicholas Sparks**

* * *

_Wednesday, September 18__th__ 2013._

Moments after the class had cleared from the room and began exploring other areas of the conservatory, we stood trasfixed. Gil definetly looked different to the last time I had seen him. Short stubble clinged defiantly around his pale lips while more wrinkles were tugging at the corners of his tired eyes. The next change I noticed was in this statue. He was slightly hunched although he had lost a little weight. I grimaced as I remembered the first few weeks after that phone call. I had hit the bottle, only to reawaken my insomniac ways. Sleeping pills were my next vice, although after the circus caused by Basderic, featuring my personal life as the main act, I quickly lost faith in them. Guilt warped me as I became aware that I had not considered how Gil had been coping with this. At the time I was too bitter to care.

Gil's eyes ran up and down my length as he took the sight of me in, his eyes narrowing on my new hair. My lips parted as I watched him, wanting to know his opinion. Doug was the first to cut the thick tension by stepping towards Gil and offering his hand. "Grissom? I'm Doug..Doug Wilson" Gil turned to the younger man and took his hand.

"Y..yes that's me. I erm...how do you know Sara?"

"I worked with her a few times in the past. I'm with the NTSB..we met in San Francisco years and years ago. Right Sar?" Doug turned back to me. I nodded quietly, unsure what to make of the two men being in the same room. Gil formed a silent 'oh' with his mouth as he figured out what Doug hadn't filled in. Sadness darkened his eyes once more as he turned to me.

"So, what are you guys doing here?" Gil asked awkwardly, turning away to pack up his teaching things.

"You know, just enjoying the sights and exhibits.." Doug answered with a tense tone, his arms spreading around him towards the environment. He moved closer to me and shrugged, feeling out of place. Focusing on him, I saw his jaw was tense, his eyes narrowed on my estranged husband. A sigh escaped my lips as I walked towards Gil, who had his back towards us. Pausing for a few seconds to turn back to Doug, I spoke for the first time since entering the little subsection.

"Doug..could you give us a minute" My voice sounding smaller than intended. Gil turned around at the sound, his small range of equipment now packed away. Doug nodded before he left us be. "Gil" I breathed as I approached him. "I can't believe this..what are you doing h-"

"You changed your hair.." He interrupted as he brought his hands together while he stood bow-legged before me. "It looks nice". The compliment was acknowledged with a sad closed mouthed smile, coupled with a small nod. "Why are you here Sara?" He narrowed his eyes on me as he waited for an answer.

"I came back to San Fran to testify against Lyle Brinks..he was appealing to be released and I came back to testify" I said quietly, mentally kicking myself for stumbling over my words and repeating myself. "I haven't seen you in so long Gil" I muttered as I gingerly made my way towards him. Moments of our long distance relationship, or there lack of, coursed through my conscious mind. The endless games of phone tag which ended with no winners, missed birthdays and anniversaries, cancelled flights and miscommunication. The realisation that it wasn't working for us. "How..how have you been?"

"I've been okay. Have you? Nick called me and told me you were...not doing so well. But you look..really good Sara." He leaned against the wall with folded arms. My eyes widened as I realised it was the same way I had seen him in my dream.

"What did Nick tell you?" I questioned aggressively. He did not falter in his stance but evidently picked up on my change in tone with a single raised brow. He parted his lips to speak, but closed them soon after when no wording came from them. He tried again a few moments later and was this time more successful.

"Nothing much, just that you had told the team about the..separation-"

"Have you signed the papers?" At this Gil was taken aback. "You haven't sent me any..have you even filed?"

"No..not yet. I was hoping we could...talk or something I suppose. We need to sort out assets and such". I scoffed at this – talking about our marriage as though it was a business transaction. Typical Grissom. I honestly had not thought about who would get what, but in an instant none of it mattered. "I was think that maybe...Hank should be with you" He shrugged as he spoke.

* * *

Hank was brought into our lives during Christmas 2006. I remember Gil's hand grazed the length of my bare back as he woke me on Christmas day. "Sweetie, come on...wake up" He tried to suppress a grin that was reminiscent of that of a little boy. I mumbled that I was tired but he wouldn't take no for an answer. The small tree we had put into our living room, was already bright with sparkly lights we had dressed it in a few days before. Between shifts, we found it difficult to decorate our home, but we were happy with what we had. We had only been living together in the town house a couple months at this point and Gil was still getting used to living with another person, let alone a woman.

I giggled in excitement as we sat in front of the tree, the news on the television but low in volume. After exchanging presents, Gil still had a bizarre look of playfulness strapped to his face. "What?" I asked. He simply shook his head before leading me to the patio door and asking me if I was ready. Unsure what exactly to be ready for, I nodded as he pulled me through with overwhelming glee. To the left of the door laid a large box with a velvet ribbon on it.

"Go on..open it" Gil smiled as we walked towards it. I crouched on the floor and lifted the lid, only to be greeted with two large dopey chocolate eyes and a wagging tail. His paws hooked onto the edges of the box as he stretched up to meet me.  
"A dog?" I stuttered as the dog leapt up to met me.

"A puppy to be exact" Gil smiled as he leaned beside me. "He is a rescue puppy. I was on my way home when I came across the shelter. He was in a box with other boxers...I realised there is only one other person in this world that has brown eyes as sincere as that" He chuckled as he pressed a kiss to my cheek. "You like him?"

"I love him..Gil thank you..thank you so much" I cried as I planted his face with kisses. Hank yelped from his box as we laughed. "Come here baby" I giggled as I pulled him from his box.

"Oh...and Sara...he's called Hank" Gil framed it as a half question, half statement. "That's not going to be a problem..right?" Laughing I shook my head as the boxer puppy enthusiastically smothered me with kisses.

"Well..I guess I now know two dogs named Hank"

* * *

"No Gil...he needs you. I would be working all the time and..it wouldn't be fair"

"He misses you..." Gil mumbled as he played with his fingers. He was filling the time with empty conversation, as usual. "It's like he knows"

"He's a clever boy" I smiled as a tear slid down my cheek. Hank was like our baby, we often refereed to each other as 'mummy' and 'daddy' in his company. If we asked for him to go to one of us, he always knew the difference.

"Sara...we should talk"

"We are talking" I

"No...properly" He sighed. "Why don't you come to my hotel for dinner tomorrow?"

"You don't live here?". He had moved around so often during our marriage that I was not always sure exactly where he was.

"No, I'm just here for a couple weeks to do guest talks in high schools around the area". I nodded at this, unsure of what to say next. I folded my arms before turning my body to see if Doug was anywhere in sight. A couple of butterflies had made their way into the little section but, upon finding an absence of flowers, left once more. Not finding my date, I turned back to Gil. "I've been here for a week. If I'd have known you were here, I would have called you or something" He shrugged as he leaned past me to grab some scrunched up paper on the floor.

"Why haven't you filed yet? Are you having..second thoughts?" I attempted to keep the hope from my voice, my eyes burning into his as I waited for an answer.

"I don't think we should talk about it here Sara. Please..just have dinner with me." Lets just see what happens, I thought bitterly as I remembered his rejection so long ago. Even now that memory could make me red with sheer embarrassment.

"Fine...when and where?"

* * *

_Thursday, September 19__th__ 2013._

Spinach and ricotta ravioli. One of Gil's specialities that he had learned to cook shortly after we had began living together. We had an arrangement, he would cook mains while I would make dessert. On special occasions, I would always make his favourite: rhubarb and apple pie with double cream. "It smells really good" I gave a shaky smile as he answered the door to his hotel room. After our surprise meeting in the conservatory, we had parted awkwardly, mirroring our encounter in the locker room before he left for sabbatical all those years ago. After explaining that the date had to be cut short to a more-than-confused-and-upset Doug, he had driven me back to his hotel, where he was staying while he found a more permanent place in San Francisco. I had tried to explain the situation fully over dinner, but that only resulted in shutting him out and finding solace in ice cream and fudge brownies. "You don't have to tell me right now...but I'm here if you want to talk" Doug had offered as he ordered room service. At 11pm, I had called for transport and left him alone in his hotel room, with only so much as a simple peck on the lips. He didn't push it and for that I was grateful.

In the present, Gil said nothing but only gestured for me to walk inside. I complied and accepted his offer of a drink, hoping to rid my body of the nerves that relentlessly consumed it. I had arrived almost exactly on time. The clock on my phone read 6:58 as I checked it before knocking on his door. He waited patiently while I drank a full mouthfuls of the wine before talking for the first time since I saw him yesterday.

"You hungry? Dinner is almost ready?" He gestured behind him towards the kitchen area. I nodded while I set down my wine glass on the table top.

"Do you mind if I look around?" I spread my arms to the hotel room. He gave a quick nod before he turned his attention back to the food. I sighed, relieved to be out of his lime light for a few moments. Gil's hotel room was larger than mine, but out of the two of us, he had always been more accustomed to having luxuries. The en-suite bathroom was similar to mine, only with the addition of a bidet and marble tiling instead of ceramics in the shower/bath. Exiting the en-suite, I noted that the bedsheets were burgundy in colour with a wooden frame.

When we had first moved in together, I insisted on burgundy bedsheets. When Gil asked why I simply answered that I liked the colour. However, really I believed there was something deeply passionate and almost primal about the erotic colour. Perhaps that's why the sex was so great. I laughed softly as I remember a particular conversation with Catherine a couple years ago.

"Something funny?" Gil looked over at me with arched brows as I walked towards the kitchen area.

"No, just...nothing" I smiled as I sat at the small table and began sipping my wine. "Do you need any help?" I braced myself between the table and chair as I prepared to stand but Gil turned and stopped me short.

"No, I'm fine thanks. You just relax...I'm nearly done anyway." A few moments he joined me at the table with a large bowl of ravioli, some mini bread baguettes, olive oil, olives and a few different types of cheeses. "Dig in" He hovered his hands over his side of the table as he spoke to gesture to the feast.

"I don't know where to start." I smiled. "It all looks so good Gil".

* * *

Conversation during dinner was light and easy-going. So much so, that any spectator would probably conclude that we had forgotten all about the separation. However, this couldn't be further from the truth. We both realised early into our meal that the other was trying desperately to conceal the fact that possible divorce was at the forefront of the mind. We each tried to find anything else to talk about..and we each went along with it.

"That was..really good. I've missed your cooking" I smiled as I placed my hands on my slightly distended stomach. He only beamed as he acknowledged my appreciation while he stood to clear away the plates. "Here, I'll help." I grabbed my own plate while standing, then piled on the now empty bread baskets and half-full tub of olive oil.

"Just leave them at the sink, I'll sort them later." Gil flicked his wrists towards the sink as he spoke.

"No, really. I want to help."

"Sara, leave it." He reached for my hands, pulling me towards the love seat in the living area. "We..we need to talk". Swallowing hard, I nodded as I followed him to the green couch, wine glass clutched securely in hand. For a few minutes we just sat there, each unsure of where to start.

I decided I would instigate the conversation. "Why did you do that over the phone Gil? That wasn't...that wasn't like you" He knew what I was referring to. That day, in D.B.'s office where our marriage cumulated and everything came crashing down. Upon answering the phone, tears had already began clinging to my eyes, my voice becoming deeper as I attempted to maintain self control.

"I'm sorry Sara, but I couldn't bare to see your face..I..I guess I just thought it would be a little easier." A pregnant pause followed while he sighed heavily. He appeared to be dissecting his choice of words as a deep frown crossed his face. "I was going to come to Vegas..so we could discuss everything, in detail. So we could talk..". Gil added on a quiet note, avoiding my eye.

"You were?" I turned to him, well more precisely his right ear, cheek and half of his lips as he stared straight ahead. "Why didn't you come sooner? "

"I didn't think you'd want to see me. I thought to would hate me Sara...I just wanted to give you space"

"Yeah, I really haven't had enough of that in the past few years" I mumbled, catching his wince but not particularly caring that it hurt. A few silent minutes passed as he recoiled from my hurtful sarcasm. I gulped a few mouthfuls of wine as I waited for him to recover from the blow.

"Doug...isn't just a work friend..is he?" Gil asked trying to hide the betrayal in this voice.

"No. He isn't. We were on a date yesterday" I replied honestly without missing a beat. Gil nodded, dropping his eyes to his lap. "What? Am I crossing a line?" I muttered, immediately growing irate.

"No..not at all. You should go on and be happy. For the last year or so of our marriage I could tell you were unhappy Sara and I...I understand your need for..erm..for physical gratification..."

"Physical gratification?!" I shrieked, causing him to jump. "Is that what you think caused my loneliness?"

"Well..part of it yes."

"Jesus Gil, are you really that clueless?" I stood to walk over to the kitchen area, refilling the wine glass I didn't realise I had emptied until this point. I heard him stand to follow me. "Do you really want this? A divorce?" I spoke without looking in his face, fearful that his answer would cause an out pour of emotion that I really did not want him to see.

"No Sara, but...I have no choice"

"No choice? You could have come back to Vegas, to be with your family..your friends" I spun on my heel, throwing my arms as my voice increased in decibels. "You had a choice, you just made one that only suited yourself".

"Only suited myself? I thought you wanted this Sara! I thought you wanted marriage? You said yes! In fact no. You said 'lets do it', those were your exact words!"

"I wanted you Gil, I didn't want a long distance marriage where I have to schedule time to see my own husband, where sex and waking beside you in the morning is a rare luxury. Why on Earth would I want a marriage with a man I never see? Who in their right mind would want that?!" I screamed until my voice hurt, until tears were escaping down my cheeks. He needed to know what he had done to me.

"What are you talking about? Sara, you were the one who abandoned me! I gave up everything for you! I moved to Costa Rica, then to Paris. I left my career, my mother, my reputation-"

"-oh like hell you left that behind! You just furthered your reputation and career globally instead. I was unhappy in Paris, there was nothing for me there Gil. You know that. Vegas is our home..I don't understand why you are so reluctant to leave"

"Why should I uproot my life, again, for your selfishness? Huh Sara?" He crossed his arms and flared his nostrils, his voice ignited with pure wrath.

"Selfishness? How dare you...don't you remember I moved to Vegas for you in the first place? I wasn't with another man for years because I was waiting for you to make a move. God knows whenever I did you shot me down! I moved to swing shift for you, I gave up the possibility of having children for you Gil! For you and your fucking career!" I panted as I braced myself against the sink.

"My fucking career?" He advanced on he as he shouted. "Sara, you left me in Paris at the drop of a hat..or should I say at the drop of a phone call from Ecklie. What happened to that being temporary huh? Seems a little hypocritical if you ask me.."

"You were just bitter that I was close to your family. That I have a supervisor that actually appreciates the work I do. Or is it just simply that I'm doing the job you loved so much" I mocked with a vicious laugh.

"Yeah, a job I had built so much on that I left behind for the office slut!".

"How dare you, you ass-hole!" I slammed the glass down on the table with such ferocity that it shattered in my hand, slicing into the plump skin of my palm. The deep crimson contrasted sharply with the porcelain flesh. "Jesus Sara" Gil muttered, the anger in his voice pushed away by worry. He rushed from the room as I walked to the sink to wash my palm, the pain not completely sinking in. I heard him come up behind me. "Sara turn around".

"No. Just leave me alone Gilbert" I spat as I grabbed the piece of glass with my thumb and index finger. Luckily it was not too deep, but relieving it from my torn skin inspired a quick hiss of pain.  
"You're just increasing the flow" He muttered as he reached around me, his body pinning mine against the sink. His much larger hands closed over my injured palm. I felt his chest pressing into my back as he leaned in to get a better look. "Please turn around, let me help." Something within me melted as I heard the sincerity in this words. I turned and followed him back to the love seat. He motioned for me to sit while he dug around in his first aid kit.

"How many times have I damaged this hand in your presence. Starting to think the universe is trying to tell me something" I laughed nervously as he pulled out antiseptic wipes, gauze, a hooked needle as well as a black thread. "Whoa, whoa, whoa." I stammered as I began to move away. He shot his head up.

"Sara, you need stitches."

"Since when can you stitch people up?"

"I learned a few years ago..." His eyes were downcast as he retrieved a mug from the cabinet and placed it on the top. As he set the kettle to boil, he reached for a bottle of table salt. After he had measured 4 tablespoons and poured them into the mug, he turned back to me. "I've always known you hated hospitals, so when we started living together I learned basic first aid, so you wouldn't have to go to them if you hurt yourself." He paused as he turned back to the now whistling kettle. "Unless it was necessary of course."

"You never told me that" I sighed as I watched him pour the hot water into the mug before stirring. Satisfied that the salt was thoroughly dissolved, he returned to his spot next to me on the seat. "Thank you." I smiled at him, but turned away when I felt tears beginning to burn my eyes. Luckily his attention was on the needle, thread and my freshest wound.

"This is going to hurt a little, but I'll be as gentle as possible." The needle sat in the hot mug for a few moments while he cleaned my wound once more, making sure no piece of debris were left behind. The first time the needle pierced my skin, I winced as I attempted to stifle another hiss. 'Sorry' he mouthed as he continued, his brows being brought together as he concentrated. I smiled at the 'thinking and focused' face I remembered; the one I worked with in the lab, questioned in the lectures and sat across from on our sofa at home while he worked on the latest crossword while gently massaging my feet with one hand. "What are you smiling at?" He grinned as he looked up at me.

"What?" I blinked as I looked down and realised he had finished. "Would I need to get these taken out or.."

"No..they are soluble. No fuss." He packed away his tools and placed the kit back in its rightful place, out of view. Upon his return, he sat beside me. "I'm sorry Sara. I shouldn't have called you a slut..you're not a slut, at all." He mumbled with his eyes averted.

"It's okay..I shouldn't have called you an ass-hole."

"No, I am an ass-hole. A big round ass-hole" I giggled as his wording and he visibly relaxed. "God, what happened to us Gil? How did we get like this?"

"I don't know Sara, but I know I don't want to continue like this"

"What do you want?" I gripped his hands in my own, ignoring my pain while forcing him to look into my eyes.

"I don't want this to be over" His voice was timid like a child's as his blue eyes were forced away from mine. He suddenly found his bare feet more interesting than the conversation at hand.

"Then why are you doing this to me Gil? Why are you asking for a divorce from me?" My vision clouded with fresh tears. At this he turned back towards me once more, his own eyes slightly brimmed with emotion.

"Because you could be happy with someone else Sara. I love you..I do, but it would be selfish of me to keep you like this"

"Are you happy with the distance between us?"

"Of course not, but it doesn't effect me as badly as it does you. I've always known that. I just didn't realise it would amount to this." He moved his hands from mine as we both fell silent. A little uncomfortable, he stood and walked to the kitchen area where he retrieved a small dustpan and brush from under the sink and promptly began to clean the glass from the floor. It squeaked in protest against the tilted floor as it was gathered together in the filthy holding pit.

"You don't realise what you have done to me do you? I'll never be happy now Gil" Rage filled me once more as he emptied the glass into the small bin. I began walking towards him as I spoke. "You've ruined my life Gilbert. I'll never be happy with everyone else, because no one else will give me what you do. You know all my secrets, the stories behind each of my scars and little quirks..still you accept me for everything I am! I will never know such completeness with anyone else..and for that I hate you! I hate you" I sobbed as I broke down onto the floor. Quickly he gathered me into his arms, hands stroking my hair and back as he soothed me. "I hate you..I hate you" I mumbled almost incoherently into his chest as the months of loneliness, insomnia and hurt coursed throughout every fibre of my being.

"I'm sorry" He cried into my hair. "I'm so sorry Sara". I looked up into his eyes, his lashes glued together with salty moisture. "I'm so sorry" His puckered lips connected with my hair, forehead and cheeks as he mumbled apologies. Without warning, his lips crashed with mine. I moaned into the kiss, allowing myself to fall back onto the living area floor, pulling him on top of me. With open mouths, we massaged each others tongues while our hands roamed and desperately tugged at each others clothing. The buttons of my blouse popped and spread all over the floor as the item was removed from my body. I felt Gil's lips roughly press against my newly revealed flesh as I sucked on the skin of his throat. "Need you" I heard him mumble, along with a growl that escaped him as he moved towards my jeans buttons.

Ignoring the white hot desire coursing through me I cried out. "No.." I pressed his hands away. He ignored me and continued on, opening my jeans and unzipping the fly while kissing my face and chest. "No Gil. Stop!" I shouted as I pushed him away. He panted as he scrambled away from me, still on the floor. I picked up my blouse before I stood. "This..this isn't going to solve anything Gil. This won't help..and I can't" I began sobbing once more as I held the damaged blouse closed. "I can't let you do this...I can't be sure you won't hurt me again.." I backed away sobbing, leaving the one man I feel I have loved forever on the floor, broken-hearted.

* * *

**Sorry, I know there was a lot of dialogue there. But I hope you enjoyed it anyway. Don't forget to tell me what you think!**

**TBC.**


	7. Chapter 6

**Title: **Prologue

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_Hello again! I am aware I haven't updated in over 2 weeks and for that I am sorry! I have been busy house hunting, then I spent a week in Poland. Very beautiful place, must I add. But I'm back with a new chapter. Hope you enjoy..and thanks for being patient!_

**Summary: "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." ― Dr. Seuss**

* * *

_Saturday, September 21__st__ 2013._

Even a hot shower was not enough to wash away the memories of the night before last. In my hotel room, laid flat on my back with brown locks frown over the pillow, I was a miserable picture. The 'ping' of my phone each time Gil left a message was becoming all too familiar. He had stopped calling hours ago, probably feeling frustration at being sent to voicemail for the past day or so. "Know that feeling..." I whispered to the creamy ceiling. Jerking my head to the side, I gripped my phone in my palm and held it hostage over my face while I read all notifications. Nine missed calls, two from Doug while the rest were from Gil. Doug had also left me a message voicing his concern, while I was too cowardly to read the messages from Gil.

Sitting up on the bed, I watched as my phone became alight with another message. It was Finn – Hey Sar, haven't heard from you in ages. Hope you are having a good time – all finished off with a smiley face. A laugh erupted and riccociated the walls as I realised I was experiencing a parrallel of what happened only a few days before, only with Doug. I'd had nearly a week off for vacation, yet spent nearly three days hiding out in my hotel room to think far too deeply for a single human being.

Shaking my head from the past, I pressed the phone to my ear to await a friendly voice.

"Sara?"

"Hey Finn, its me."

"You sound...sad. You're not okay are you?"

"No..no I'm not. I was hoping you could...I don't know" I sighed as I struggled for words. "Give me advice or something I guess" I was met with a soft chuckle from the Vegas based blonde.

"You don't do this 'opening up' thing that often, it's kinda taking me by surprise." I stood as I listened to her and crossed the room to stand in front of the wall mirror. Dressed in grey sweats and one of Gil's large shirts from years ago, my hair was tossled as I had not bothered to dress myself properly. I ran my fingers along the undersides of my eyes with my free hand as Finn continued. "So whats the situation? Have you met a guy?" Finn hitched her voice in a cheeky way at the mention of a possible romance.

"Well...I guess you could say that?" I mumbled as I toyed with a loose curl.

"Ohhh? Tell me ever- no wait" There was a pause accompanied by background static before Finn's voice came back. "Sorry, just getting a comfortable with a coffee. Now, tell me everything"

"Well...Lyle Brinks' appeal was rejected..which is great. Then I decided to go find Doug-"

"-you what?! The NTSB guy?"

"Yeah, him" A smile formed as I heard Finn giggle. "Well, I met Doug and we went for dinner. Then he kissed me-"

"-he kissed you? Was it good? Like..how you remember?" Still at the mirror, I closed my eyes as I remembered his lips on mine some nights ago. I nodded, then feeling foolish as I realised Finn could not see me.

"Yes, actually. It was nice, but I pulled away because I just..I just couldn't. I thought of Gil..I felt like I was hurting him." Lost for words, I made my way back to the bed. Finn patiently remained silent as she waited for me to continue. "Then..to make matters worse, a few days ago I went on a date with Doug to the Conservatory of Flowers..only to bump into Gil"

"No!" Finn gasped down the phone. "Bet that was awkward...".

"You have no idea. For a few moments I just kind of stared at him. Felt sorry for Doug to be honest..." All the memories of the past few days flooded back, leaving me feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. "Then I agreed to dinner with him, you know, so we could talk and stuff. We argued then..kissed"

"Whoa..wait. You kissed Doug..backed away from him, then a couple days later had a thing with your ex-husband?"

"Well he's not my ex-husband just yet..and we only kissed. I stopped it before it went too far"

"Why?"

"I don't know..." My voice was a near whimper while we spoke. The ache felt when Gil's lips collided with my own returned with bittersweet nostaligia. "Truth be told Jules, I didn't want it to stop..but it had to"

"Why Sara? Why did it have to stop? Were you..scared?" Instead of replying, I silently attempted to answer that question. Was I scared? Nevous? Angry? Betrayed? Or all of the above? "He hurt you Sara...really bad. But you had the chance to be with Doug and you turned that down..a part of you must still..want to forgive him"

"How could I forgive him" My voice returned with a shriek down the phone. Suddenly feeling bad for scaring Finn, apologies were muttered before I continued with a more steady voice. "I really..I'm really stuck. I don't know what I want right now"

"How do you feel..right now at this very moment?"

"Ermm..sad..angry..definietly confused." Finn was silent for a few moments as she pondered. "A little lonely.."

"Lets do this old-school. Pros and cons of each man in question.."

"Seriously Jules? This is my love life we are taking about"

"Yes, so lets get the essentials out of the way. Sex! Who is better in bed?"

"Finn!" I blushed violently which elicited laughter from my far away friend. "You dirty thing"

"Come on..its only us girls. My first husband had nothing on my second one" I couldn't help but laugh at Finn's very forward nature. When we went for drinks with Morgan, the alcohol would often loosen her tongue and she would begin speaking of bedroom matters and conquests. She has even turned her attention to the 'tasty looking' Nick, as she would call him. "Tell me about the carnal interludes" She loudly slurped her coffee as she listened intently.

Sighing, I gave in. "Fine..seen as you asked so nicely. Gil and Doug both had their..tricks. I guess Gil is the most experienced and gentle..but Doug..well as I remember him, probably has the most stamina. Then again, Gil can be like a man of steel when you press his buttons just right."

"Nice, sounds..satisfying."

"You're such a creep Jules." I giggled freely while searching for a bobble to tie back my thick hair. "What's the nice category?"

"Intelligence?".

"Gil" I shot back before she had finished the sentence.

"Okay. Quick answer" Finn giggled before she continued. "History?"

"What do you mean?" I stuttered as I flashed back to my drawn out history with the two men in question. Doug came into my life during my employment in San Francisco when I was 26, while Gil appeared just eighteen months later during a lecture – on anthropology, of course.

"You know, how long were you with each, type of relationship. Et cetera et cetera..."

"Well, I was with Doug for just over a year..but Gil..well that's a little more complicated. We've..always had a relationship I suppose. So...fifteen years filled with tit for tat I guess"

"Sounds long, complicated and romantic. A story comparable to Liz Taylor and Richard Burton?" At this I stifled a chuckle as the tumultuous relationship that dominated Hollywood for so long came to mind, well the way my mother told it anyway. She often liked to compare it to her relationship with my father, only they experienced all the fire without the passion. "Full of passion I take it?" Finns voice increased a note or two as she added the sentence. No answer but only a sigh came from me as I remembered the intensity that came with the pure lust experienced between those oh-so-necessary burgundy sheets. "Okay..guess Gil wins that one too huh? Lets move on to...communication"

"Oh jeez. Definitely Doug. Me and Gil could go for months without talking properly..regardless of whether I tried or not"

"From what I have heard, Gil's the...unusual type isn't he?"

"Yeah...but that's just Gil. That's the way he is, he can't be changed" At this point, I wasn't sure if I was defending him or venting my anger as his apparent oral despondency. Finn appeared to sense this uncertainty in my voice, so she quietened on the other end of the line. "Sorry...I'm just so frustrated. Nothing makes sense"

"Why doesn't it make sense Sar?" Her voice was soft and suddenly I was overcome with an urge to hug her. "What doesn't make sense"

"My heart" Blushing manically, I added. "and my head"  
"For once in your life, stop trying to make sense of everything. Just go with it, go with your instinct not science. What makes us happy doesn't need to make sense. When it comes down to being happy, to being in love, logic is unimportant. If you stop to think too much about it, it could be too late by the time you figure it out". Finns wording filled my mind and caused ice to sliver down my spine as I was reminded of the very similar conversation ten years ago. "You still there?"

"Yea...yes. I have to go Jules, but thank you."

"Call me won't you" She added with a hint of natural leadership that bared resemblance to a certain strawberry blonde. The line deadened once I had assured her I would do so. My grip on the phone loosened to allow it to drop onto the bed beside me with a soft 'thump'. With my eye lids slid shut, I cast my mind over the past few years of my so called 'marriage'. Gil was right, I did say 'lets do it'. But I sure as hell wasn't referring to this, to never seeing the man I practically worshipped at one point. Our love, desire and trust had never faltered in the time I had left Vegas the first time. When Warrick had been murdered and died in Gil's arms, I made my way back to him, if only for a short time. Later in the night, after Warrick's funeral he had reached between the sheets, blindly fumbling for me. His lips graced mine as his shaking hands reached under my tank top before I stopped him, telling him that it was okay, that everything was going to be okay. He collapsed on top of me, sobbing into my chest as I held him. As much as I wanted to be there for him, I couldn't be in Vegas at that time, not with my own ghosts taunting me. He had resented me for leaving him broken in his time of need, while I resented him for not understanding that I needed to be fixed too.

Our arrival in Paris four months after our marriage had set in motion our marriages' demise. To begin with, my French wasn't as fluent as Gil's and my inability to learn as fast as I wanted led to frustration. Then, I was bored and unsatisfied with the work life in Paris. While it was undeniably a beautiful city, it was just not challenging for me. Gil on the other hand settled in as though it was moulded personally for him. Then came the 'talk' around six months into our married life, beginning unintentionally outside the Louvre.

* * *

"Mint chocolate as usual?" Gil pointed to the nearby ice cream truck as we exited the large monument. I smiled and nodded my confirmation while I searched my small bag for some sunglasses. Although it was not actually that bright out, it had become a habit to wear them. As he walked away, I moved towards a nearby bench to allow my feet to rest. I sighed contently as I stretched my legs, feeling the wariness leave my muscles. The sun warmed my tilted face as I observed the environment – birds picking at forgotten clumps of food, children squealing as their mothers desperately tried to control them, litter being collected from the local cleaners. A sudden bump on my right side pulled my attention away from the surroundings, to an ice cream covered face peered up at me in embarrassment. A young, green eyed girl of about four years quickly mumbled "Pardon Madame!" before scrambling back towards her mother, who further offered apologies.

"Ce n'est pas grave" I offered, shaking an open palm towards them. The mother, a double of her flesh and blood, pulled the young girl away, scolding her as she did so.

"Getting attacked by the local children are we dear?" Gil sat beside me, his thighs against mine as he handed me the small tub of mint-green ice cream. I glanced at him, only to be met with an amused grin as he spooned some lemon sorbet into his mouth. "When you said you were bad with kids, I didn't know it was because you provoked them". At this he earned a playful slap to the thigh.

"Actually, she bumped into me by accident, thank you very much." I rolled some of the ice cream around my tongue, happy to find some chocolate chips. Although I felt Gil's gaze on me, I did nothing to sway his thoughts. Turning towards him with a small smile on my lips, I pondered upon how to expand on my thoughts. Communication, especially in relationships, was never our strong suit. "Don't you think children suit me Gilbert?" I teased, hoping to hide my anxiety at bringing up the subject. He chuckled light-headedly with not a hint of unease before spooning some more ice cream.

"I do remember that case where you were particularly protective of the young blonde girl, when the whole family had been murdered except her and her older sister...who actually turned out to be her mother in the end up.." He tapered off, seemingly satisfied that he had distracted the conversation elsewhere.

"The one you didn't give me credit for." I leaned into him, feeling his arm snaking around my waist to tug me closer. "Have you ever thought of...maybe..I don't know..having children of your own. Of...our own?" The silence between us only lasted a few moments, but it was suffocating.

"Well...Sara" He sighed while rubbing my arms. The warmth from the sun was rapidly disappearing as evening set in, leaving goosebumps on my exposed arms. "You know..with our working schedules-"

"-your working schedules..I'm retired, remember?"

"Well..with my working schedule and my age..its a little difficult. I mean, I'm fifty-two years of age. Most people would have teenagers by now!" He joked but his discomfort was beginning to show.

"Yeah, I appreciate that. But we started our relationship late...we messed around for so long and I don't want to wake up one day when I'm fifty and regret not starting a family with you." My tone was quiet now. "I don't want to waste any more time. You could at least think about it"

"I have done...ever since we started our relationship years ago. I don't know what to do with children Sara, I wouldn't make a good father. I'm hopeless at communicating"

"You would learn, we both would" I pulled from his arms to look him in the eye. He seemed sad all of a sudden. "Can't you just imagine it..a little person...a person that was us combined" I ran my hands against his chest to emphasise my excitement at the thought, though he seemed disappointingly unaffected.

"Sara...I'm sorry sweetheart. I just...I just don't want children. I'm sorry."

* * *

The conversation stopped just there and although he tried to disperse the foul mood within me, I couldn't speak to him properly for a few days. I remember a few occasions in the days after when my own tears had been mixed with droplets from the shower. And just when I thought I had finished mourning for the loss of future children I would never have, I received a phone call from Ecklie.

I immediately volunteered myself for the temporary position, hoping that my departure would hurt Gil in the way he had hurt me. With my biological clock ticking, I needed to express my pain at his dismissal of my basic primal needs. Even though I had never told him, or acknowledged it myself until I had lived in Vegas for a year, I resented him for saying no that day in Paris.

When the initial anger wore off, we made our way to each other, but life soon got in the way. Trips were cancelled, surprise lectures where planned or high profile cases occured. Eventually, we became frustrated at one another, feeling as though we were each making more effort than the other. When we did see each other, we would not talk about what was going on between us. Only trivial things would make conversation. How Catherine was in the FBI, how Nick was a budding entomologist, the developing relationship between Morgan and Hodges despite Greg's interest. We would never talk about how the distance was hurting us, how it was killing what we had.

And then, there would be the times when we would not talk at all. Our desperation spawned from loneliness would cause us to tear at the others clothing. Moans and whimpers would get mixed with the sound of our shredding fabrics as we made our way to the bedroom. Even then, we would not always make it. At one point, we had collapsed on the floor moments after he had arrived at my door, into a tumble of sweaty limbs.

In the early stages of our marriage, our lovemaking was at first fulled by sweet lust and almost animalistic, then developed slow and practically silent sex over the course of his visits. Eventually, our physical desires prevalied over our emotion as the distance took its toll. We would collapse in an exhausated heat, smelling the scent of us still lingering in the air, but we would not sleep together. I would focus on slowing my breathing as he left to get a drink or use the bathroom. When he returned, I was conveinetly 'asleep' so we would not have to make pillow talk or any meaningful conversation. I cannot remember the last time we made love, but I can remember when we last had sex.

It was the day I was leaving Paris from the last holiday I had taken here. It was fast, animalistic and almost wordless as he had pushed me against the kitchen island in his townhouse. A sad smile crossed my face as I remembered being half naked against the island, my jeans around my knees with my shirt pushed up as Gil was positioned behind me. I had wanted him, needed him even, but not like that. Not in the harsh, quick sex between two people. Instead, I craved the gentle whispers and touchs of age-old lovers. The way we were before the mess of Natalie and the desert. When we were finished he pulled away and redressed himself before offering to call me a taxi. I had nodded without making eye contact as I pulled my jeans back up with trembling hands. The stifled sob was not acknowledged by him as he carried my bags to the waiting taxi moments later, or when he hugged me goodbye.

All of a sudden, alcohol seemed like a brilliant idea. I cruised over to the mini-bar in my room, taking comfort in all the mini bottles of liquid bliss. Downing some mini vodkas, I sat on the floor beside the black gloss mini-bar, hoping to rid the nostaligic feeling seated in my chest. At sixteen, I wasn't completely sure what I wanted to be. But marriage, children and a white picket fence certainly weren't at the top of the list. Neither was being a CSI, but that just kind of happened by accident. I just knew I loved physics and science in general and hated people hurting each other. What I did know, was that I wanted to be happy, to be with a man that made me happy. At twenty-six, Doug was that man. Charming, generous, funny and shockingly handsome, Doug was that man. Just over a year later, we split. Turned out, I was too fiesty for Doug. He wanted a wife, I wanted a career. Then Gil...Gil was different, he wanted only his career. "Polar opposites" I laughed outloud as I downed another mini bottle. Noting the eight empty miniature bottles, I was drinking quicker than I realised. "Oops" I giggled as I grabbed another, knowing it would cost me a fortune on my tab.

"What makes us happy doesn't need to make sense. When it comes down to being happy, to being in love, logic is unimportant." Finns words came back to me as my head began feeling fuzzy. "Okay, so lets throw logic of the window" I mumbled as I stood on shaky legs. "No logic, no logic, no logic for Sara Sidle" I chanted as I grabbed my jacket and called a taxi. "Just heart" Gil was staying at Hotel Drisco, while Doug was Argonaut Hotel. The service picked up after a couple of rings, although I remained quite for a few seconds. Without thinking, I gave the first address that came into my head...or should I say heart.

* * *

**Thanks for reading, I will try to update soon! For those of you who are wondering, 'Ce n'est pas grave' means 'its no problem' in French. Reviews are much appreciated and thanks to those who have being taking the time to tell me what they think!**

**TBC.**


	8. Chapter 7

**Title: **Chapter 7

**Rating: **_M to be safe. **Warning - smut!**_

**Authors note: **_Thanks for reading and reviewing - a special thanks to Ziver69, stlouiegal and gsrfan34 who have reviewed each and every chapter. Thanks guys!_

**Summary:** **"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." ― Dr. Seuss**

* * *

_Friday, September 27__th__ 2013._

I frowned at the deep crimson spots staining my underwear before realising that my 'monthly gift' was probably due soon. "Great stuff, just what I need" I muttered as I finished relieving myself before leaving the toilet cubicle to wash my hands. Desert Palm was certainly alive with the typical hustle and bustle of hospitals. I made my way through the corridor, weaving in and out of patients, doctors and nurses with clipboards to enter the room I had spent the morning in. Pushing away the almost painful coiling sensation in my stomach, I sat beside the bed then focussed on the broken blonde in the simple single bed in front of me. She had gone through a severe beating: black and purple bruises peppered what little flesh she had showing, contrasting sharply with her once milky complexion. Her face had suffered the most of the psychopaths force, with one eye completely closed due to swelling. Although in the days that had passed since we had rescued both her and Ellie, it had gotten better by a considerable amount. Surrounded by flowers of various assortments – roses, lilies and daisies – and numerous 'get well cards', it was clear that Morgan was a beloved survivor.

Unfortunately, Ellie was in a much worse state. Currently in critical condition in the intensive care unit. By the time we had reached her, she had suffered over fifty bodily injuries, nearly thirty to her torso alone. She was discovered unconscious on the filthy floor with Morgan attempting to protect her with what little strength she had left. It had taken nearly two days to find them; dehydrated, disorientated and within inches of their lives. Brass was inconsolable, blaming himself for everything. "I should have protected her, I'm her father for Christ's sake" The haggard detective had all but sobbed as his adopted daughter was taken away on a stretcher with numerous wires piercing her battered skin. Ecklie too didn't want to leave his daughters side once she had been found, tenderly parting her hair and pressing a small peck to her dirtied forehead while she was strapped down on the stretcher. He rode with her, alongside Brass and Ellie. It was a surprise that they all fit in the ambulance.

When I had returned to the lab mere hours after D.B's phone call, I made a beeline to one of the larger lab rooms with the illuminated tables. It was covered by evidence and surrounded by the team, including Hodges, who had very little colour in his face. Currently, Ecklie was passed out on the small sofa in Morgan's room, a couple feet from my seat beside her bed. Nick was with Brass in the ICU, while Hodges was at home showering for the first time since Morgan was found. Both Finn and Greg were back at the lab helping out, although we had all agreed to take turns visiting everyone. D.B, on the other hand, was carrying out the age old job of sorting paperwork. He found call one of us every now and again just to check how we were doing; his fatherly instinct blurring with his role as supervisor. Luckily, the crime rate had dropped a little since we found them.

My attention turned back to Morgan as she shifted in the bed. The sheets at Desert Palm are harsh and the beds uncomfortable, I know from experience. Slowly, oceanic eyes focussed on mine as Morgan woke slowly. This was not her first time waking in the hospital, but each time it happened she momentarily experienced confusion before recalling the past few days events and remembering how she ended up here. "Hey" I smiled softly as she rubbed sleep from her eyes. Leaning over the bed I reached for the water, poured some and added a straw before offering her some. She smiled gratefully and drank the whole cup before struggling to put it down by her side. "I can do that" I spoke as I stood slightly to help.

"No, I can do it" She groaned as she twisted her body, no doubt causing stabbing pains to rupture in her sides. I sat back down, understanding that she needed to feel as independent as she possibly could in this instance. According to her statements and the bragging by the psychopath himself, she had been kicked in the ribs a few times. "She had a pretty, but demanding little mouth on her" He had smirked while confessing to everything. Once he had been caught red-handed by Finn and Nick in the basement of a warehouse off the strip, nothing else was left for him but to confess. Finn claimed that Nick was pretty close to pulling the trigger and, upon seeing the man who had committed the cruel and unusual crimes, I honestly wouldn't blame him. Stephen Applewhite, as he was later named, was a perfectly repulsive man with a malicious smile and a slick tongue. He claimed that Nick would belong to the circle of violence, while he 'assumed' Finn's place was in lust. Fortunately, for his sake anyway, he never got close enough to inspect and taunt me. "How you feeling" I reached forward, placing a delicate open palm just above her right knee.

She swallowed slowly as though I had asked her a question concerning matters of the universe. "Okay...I guess. A little sore" She broke out into a smile before showing me a drip placed in her arm. "On the other hand, I'm pretty much high all the time from morphine, so its probably really bad." She giggled as she jabbed her thumb down on the small red button to add to her dose.

"I remember when I was in here a few years ago because of a nut-case...couldn't get enough of the stuff" I chuckled as I remembered Gil being stern with me over my morphine use, claiming I would get dependent on it. "Don't think I got this many flowers though..jeez" I spread my arms to gesture to the numerous vases. "What it is to be loved".

"Well..actually those two are from David" She blushed as she pointed to the vivid tiger lilies and white roses sat beside each other. "He said he wasn't sure which I'd prefer, so he just got me both" She shrugged nonchalantly as she tried to pass it off as being completely innocent.

"Never played that game before" I teased. Morgan's eyes widened as she gaped at me.

"What do you mean?" Unsuccessful at feigning innocence, she seemed to admit defeat. "I don't know what's going on with us to be honest Sara, I just..I don't know" Her shoulders sagged as she turned sideways to get more water. Her face pulled together in pain as she struggled to help herself. A heavy sigh left her as she turned back towards me "..would you mind..?" She motioned to the bottle and empty cup while mumbling her embarrassment.

"No problem" I walked the short distance around the bed to refill her small cup then passed it to her. "Just don't make the mistake I did, you'll regret it."

"What...starting a relationship with your boss or marrying him?" Morgan replied after a couple of deep gulps then set her water down on the lap, the cup half full. Before answering, I moved back to my seat.

"I don't regret my relationship, or keeping it a secret for two years. I regret waiting..or should I say allowing him to make me wait for seven years for it to begin. God knows where we would be now if we had started sooner". Morgan only nodded in response, instead trailing the rim of the cup with her finger. For a few moments, only silence filled the room. "What do you want Morgan?"

"I don't know. I have feelings for Greg and David..I think. I was hoping for an epiphany, but I'm starting to think that its not going to happen." She giggled then looked up at me, her eyes narrowing on my hands. "Do you still love him?"

"Who? Greg or Hodges?" I laughed quietly, aware of Ecklie sleeping away. "Greg is my best friend and Hodges...he tests me, but I have to admit, he does have his golden moments." Morgan noticeably beamed when I mentioned Hodges name, but then shook her head.

"No, not them. I mean Grissom...do you still love him?"

"Well, I-"

"And sleeping beauty is awake!" Greg suddenly burst into the room full of his usual energy, followed by a wary Finn. 'Saved by the bell' I thought inwardly as Greg and Finn made their way into the room carrying bags of snacks. A warm smile spread on Morgan's lips as her eyes caught the box of Hershey's kisses peeking out of the top.

"Greg!" Finn scolded in a harsh whisper once she noticed Ecklie was snoozing at the opposite end of the room. However, upon Ecklie bolting upright she realised it was too late. "Smooth move, numb nuts"

"Someone is cranky" Greg grumbled as he moved alongside the bed, earning a look from the tired woman that would cause merciless pain if only looks could kill. Finn set down both her shopping and personal bag next to Ecklie, mouthing an apology as she did so. "Bought you some stuff because, you know, hospital food sucks and all" Greg half shrugged as he placed his bag next to Finn's.

"Well crack open those chocolate's Greggo my man" A familiar Texan drawl caused all heads in the room to turn to the open doorway. Nick also possessed similar bags under his eyes as Finn. "I'm craving me some Hershey's" The corners of his eyes crinkled as he grinned while rubbing his heads together. Greg responded with a equally goofy grin as he passed the box of chocolate's to the bedridden Morgan. Her slim fingers quickly worked the thin box open, peeled back the lid and scooped a couple into her hand before passing them to myself. After picking a couple out, I too passed it on. This time to Nick, who had taken to sitting on the edge of my seat.

"You okay there Nicky? You look tired" I peered up at him as I spoke quietly.

He offered a non-committal shrug as he answered. "Well, I've been finding it hard to sleep. It's just...after finding them like that...it's a difficult imagine to get out of my head. Finn is the same..she told me she can't sleep much either"

"I can tell looking at her". I nodded to the oldest blonde in the room, who was giggling along with Morgan and Greg. What I didn't tell him was that I understood his deprivation. Ever since the girls had been rescued, I had experienced insomnia intensified. During the investigation, no one had slept. But once it was over, I had nothing to distract myself with. I was forced to deal with the consequences of that eventful Saturday night and Sunday morning. In the five days that had passed since I left him, I had received numerous phone calls and texts requesting that we 'talk about this'. I replied a couple of times to tell him I would get back to him, that I needed time to think, that I was busy with the case...any excuse that I could pluck from my mind was used. But now, I had time...unfortunately.

* * *

"Sara, what are you doing here?"

"I...I don't know. I...I want you, I want this." I breathed as he stood barefoot in the hotel room doorway.

"Have you been drinking?"

"A little I guess" I giggled at his concern, walking closer towards him. He stepped out of my path, letting me into the room. "I've missed you, I just didn't realise how much."

"Well..I've missed you too. But Sara we should talk about this when you are sober, not now." His hands were on my shoulders, gently spinning me around to meet his eyes. This time when I closed in on him, he did not move.

"No, right here, right now". In one quick gesture I planted my hands on his shoulders, pressed my chest against his and captured his lips with mine. At first hesitant, he relaxed and returned my affection, deepening the kiss. It was then that I tasted whiskey on his breath, realising he had been drinking also. One hand slipped beneath the fabric of my shirt, caressing my back while the other slid downwards to massage my backside through my flimsy panties.

"I've missed that ass" He growled.

"Mmm come get it" I teased as I walked away from him towards his bed, pulling my shirt from my body and carelessly throwing it in any direction. The jeans soon followed, leaving me practically bare before him. Knowing he was behind me, I slowly climbed onto the bed, making sure to sway my hips as seductively as possible while I did so. Warm hands grazed my scarcely covered buttocks and, upon eliciting a moan, dipped between to my thighs. He growled as he leaned over me to unclasp my bra, then replaced it with a sweet kiss. I turned my body back to him. While he had already removed his shirt, he stood in still wearing his casual sweats. "Oh, too much clothing for me" I whispered as I kneeled on the bed to meet his height. While my hands gripped the waistband, my lips closed over his collarbone and applied light pressure, resulting in a satisfying groan from my lover. The sweats now around his knees, I glanced down at the tent being pitched over his groin. "Hello to you too" I giggled as I pressed my palm against his heat then closed my fingers over him.

"God Sara" He grunted as I pulled the boxers down and gently gripped his length. "I want you". I only smiled as I slowly made my way down his body, planting kisses or nibbling on his flesh while my hands stroked his smooth length. He carefully pushed my hair over my shoulder while I nipped the skin of his hip, causing him to buck involuntarily. I couldn't help but smirk at his impatience. "On the bed" I commanded as I pulled away from him. Although his eyebrows shot up towards his hairline, he complied willingly and relaxed with his back on the bedsheets. I resumed by position by hovering over his pelvis but didn't touch him, instead placing each hand on his thighs. Aware he was watching, I dipped towards his member and delicately placed a kiss on the swollen head. He bucked once more before I dipped again, this time swilling my tongue around his tip.

"Please" I heard him moan as his hips began to shift. Maintaining direct eye contact, I lowered my head once more to take his length into my mouth. "God yes" He closed his eyes in pleasure as I worked on him, one hand at the base of his length and the other caressing his velvety sack. With his breathing quickening, I picked up pace. When his legs began to quiver, he stopped me. "Oh honey, come here." He said lovingly while he pulled me beside him. "I want to take care of you." He whispered into my ear before he sucked on the lobe.

"Please do" I smiled delightfully as he pressed me down into the mattress while supporting his weight with his right arm. His left hand closed over my breast, his thumb and forefinger tamely gripping my nipple. My own hand gripped his, pulling it down between my thighs. He chuckled at my desire, but growled when he felt the wetness between my legs.

"You are a filthy girl" He grunted as his hand delved beneath my panties. I cried out as his fingers pierced my molten core, my hands tangling in his hair as he kissed his way down my body. After removing my panties, he attacked me with his mouth. My body arched in response to his near divine actions, my hands finding their way to his head once more.

"Don't...stop" I almost cried as I felt my legs tense and body begin to quiver. My head jerked back into the plush pillows while I all but screamed his name throughout my orgasm. "God, oh..oh yes". After a few moments I was vaguely aware of him planting kisses to my forehead.

"Welcome back" He smiled as he pulled back to look at me. I blushed as I realised I had been separated from reality for a short while. "Are you ready?" I smiled, happy that he had asked and nodded, reaching up to kiss him for good measure. My hand slid between our already sweaty bodies as I guided him to my entrance.

Sighs, moans and our names filled the room as we joined, causing us to forget our past. If only for a few seconds. He began slowly, concentrating on my reactions. My eyes closed as I pressed my head into the pillows again, feeling his hands roaming my body. I panted while he increased his speed, the feel of him throbbing inside me being pure ecstasy. My fingernails scraped his back, his buttocks and shoulders as heat spread throughout my being. My mouth found its way to his throat then sucked the flesh between my teeth while he worked his index finger over the sensitive bud between my legs. He closed the space between us as our foreheads met. "Come for me" he moaned. I tried to keep my eyes focused on his, but the sheer force of my climax forbid it.

"Oh God!" I screamed once more, my arms wrapped around his torso while my body shuddered. His own orgasm followed soon after, a new heat spreading between my legs as he clenched the pillow beside my head.

"Sara...God Sara" he grunted into my shoulder as we came down from our highs. "I've missed you so".

* * *

"Sar? Sara? Earth to Sara!" Greg waved his hands in my face.

"Jeez Greg, get out of my face" I growled, both irritated that he had disrupted my memory and embarrassed that I had been thinking of such things when in the hospital visiting a sick friend. Everyone in the room was looking my way, including an offended Greg. "Sorry..I just...it's been a long few days." I shrugged, hoping it would just blow over.

"Tell me about it" Morgan's voice was muffled by the brownie she was tucking into. "I need this. Just so good" She earned a few small laughs from our friends as well as turning the attention away.

"You look like you need some rest sweetie" Nick nudged me quietly.

"I might just do that, I am tired. You do to though Nick" I pointed a finger towards him grinning. I stood from my seat to address the people in the room. "I'm going to take off guys, my bed is calling me." After a chorus of 'goodbye Sara's I left the room and the people who have become family to me.

* * *

**I'm aware I have left gaps...don't worry. These will be filled in later!**

**Thanks for reading, hope that smut was okay for you guys!**

**TBC.**


	9. Chapter 8

**Title: **Chapter 8

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_Thanks for the reviews, sorry to keep you guessing but its essential for the story..and now you'll see why. _

**Summary: "Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect." ― Margaret Mitchell**

* * *

_Thursday, October 31__st__ 2013._

"Happy Halloween!" Morgan and Hodges grinned in unison as they pulled the door back, revealing Morgan's newly decorated and Halloween themed home.

"Happy Halloween guys. Thanks for inviting us" Nick chuckled as he took in their costumes. Hodges donned a floor length black cape, pointed ears and ghastly eye make-up. Morgan on the other hand, had gone for a less menacing look, posing as a blonde 'Wonder Woman'. It was clear for all to see, her appearance was a sharp contrast to the broken and bruised blonde in the hospital bed five weeks ago. After only being on sick leave for two weeks, Morgan returned to work as soon as possible, claiming to be bored at home. Since then, Morgan had done some serious soul searching to figure out what she needed. The thing that finally made up her mind was a homicide case. Well, thought to be a homicide at first blush. A young single women was found home alone by her neighbour, who had assumed the worst. Upon arriving with Super Dave, Morgan had discovered she had in fact chocked to death on her evening meal and, worst of all, it could probably have been avoided if her ex-boyfriend had stayed with her that night. The next day, she sauntered through the lab looking for a certain trace technician, then sealed her lips with his. In full view of Nick, myself and many other lab rats no less. I had smiled sadly while witnessing the event, remembering a time when I had done a similar thing to my supervisor.

Five years later and back in the present, I turned to Hodges. "Nice. Dracula?" I nodded to Hodges. He smirked, obviously expecting such a guess.

"No, I'm Count Orlok. But don't worry Sara, everyone has made that mistake so far".

"Why not Dracula? You know when they made 'Nosferatu' the movie, Bram Stokers heirs sued over the adaptation, claiming it was the same as his 'Dracula' but they had just changed some of the names. So technically they are the same thing."

Hodges grinned, clearly enjoying our little banter. "I suppose I just prefer the works of F. W. Murnau...and 'Nosferatu' is considered to quite an influencial masterpeiice of cinema you know."

"I am not nearly drunk enough to listen to this" Nick muttered to Morgan. She gigged before stepping aside to let us in.

"Sorry guys" Hodges shrugged as he moved too. Together, they led us through the hallway and into the main room. Previously, I had only caught a glimpse of Morgan's new, albeit temporary decorations but did not see a single being. Now I set eyes on many familiar faces. Ecklie, Brass and Doc Robbins were gathered around the punch bowl while Ellie, Mandy and Henry were conversing near the fireplace. The fireplace itself was littered with faux spiders webs with skulls gathered in the opening instead of coals. All the occupants of the main room radiated a glow from the numerous candles scattered around the room. The music was not too loud but noticeable. "There is food in the kitchen too guys, Greg is already helping himself" Morgan smiled as she jerked her head towards the door on the far right.

"Why doesn't that surprise me" Nick shook his head as he made his way towards the punch bowl. He turned his head back towards me. "Punch Sara?". I nodded as he picked up a few plastic cups.

"Thanks" I gulped a few mouthfuls before joining in the conversation of the gentlemen at the punch bowl. "I can't believe how good they both look" I stated, referring to the women we had rescued nearly six weeks ago. My attention turned towards Ellie who was laughing along with the lab rats. Dressed in a 'Super-girl' costume with her hair pinned back, a couple of her scars were visible. Mr Applewhite had beat her so badly that her skin had split and torn in numerous areas, requiring stitches. Although the dimmed lighting covered her marks, I saw faint scarring above her eye socket and stretching across her chest.

"They do both look fantastic" Nick agreed as he sipped his punch. "Raised a couple of fighters there gentlemen". Both fathers noticeably swelled with pride at the mention of their daughters victory. 'Thank you's were uttered before conversation turned to costumes.

"What are you supposed to be? Something out of the evil dead?" Doc Robbins gestured towards my attire. I couldn't think of a good outfit, so I tore up some older clothes, covered myself in fake blood and put in some white contact lenses.

"I suppose so. There are so many zombie films right now though. So I could be anyone"

"CSI gone mad maybe?" Ecklie grinned.

"I'm not going to lie though, whatever you have done with your eyes..it is kind of creepy". Brass peered closer as he tried to figure out what I had done. At that moment, an authoritative knock sounded. Most of the people in the room turned towards the hallway, towards which Morgan was heading.

"Hey check out 'Wonder Woman'! You look hot M" Finns cheery voice trailed into the open room, shortly followed by its owner and a blushing Morgan. Finn sauntered past the other guests to place some wine on the table. "Hope you don't mind. Just wanted to bring a little something nice for you two".

"Well, you definitely brought something nice" Nick mumbled as his eyes trailed up and down her profile: a short white dress, black leather jacket that she had borrowed from myself, as well as thick eye-liner and a few pieces of hair clipped up. "I mean, you're supposed to be the 'Bride of Chucky', right?" Nick continued in a louder voice, attempting to cover his embarrassment.

"Yes Nick. Thanks for noticing" She returned smoothly as she poured herself some punch. "Oh and Sara..thanks for leading me this" She lifted the edge of the jacket.

"It's no problem Jules"

"You know I hate it when people call me that" She shook her head while trying to pout but couldn't remove the grin from her lips. "You don't want to make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry".

"Aren't you angry on a daily basis?" Greg intervened, tenderly gripping a halt eaten cream bun in his hand. "You storm the lab like there is no tomorrow"

"That's just Jules" Ecklie joined in.

"Don't call me that" She turned to him with a pointed finger.

"If that is you when you are calm, then no. I really don't want to see you angry" I giggled as I made for more punch. The plastic cup in my hand collided with the wooden flooring as my knees suddenly weakened, forcing me to grip the edges of the table. My knuckles whitened while I tried to stop the swaying in my stomach.

"Sar? You okay there?"

"You alright sweetie?"

Not sure who was talking, I ignored the voices while I tried to concentrate on the punch bowl while a wave of nausea crashed over me. Now a hand was gently rubbing my back while I leaned over. I responded with a grateful sigh.

"Is she okay? What's going on?" That was Morgan's worried voice.

"I'm fine, a little ill" I shook my head as the nausea began to subside. "I've been ill for a couple days but it comes and goes"

"Oh, I've had that too" Henry's voice pipped up. "It must be a bug or something. It should go after a few days though" He reasoned as I began to stand properly again. I turned around to find an array of concerned faces, identifying the soothing hand as belonging to Brass.

"Yeah, I was ill a few days ago too. Probably got it from me" Greg stated sheepishly with a half shrug for good measure.

"It's okay. Thank you, thanks guys" I smiled as Greg offered me some water.

"See, I told you plastic cups would be better" Hodges turned to Morgan, causing her to roll her eyes.

"Really, now David. Sara is ill and-"

"I'm fine, seriously. I should probably eat something, I haven't eaten properly in a couple days."

"Go ahead sweetie" Morgan urged as she nodded towards the kitchen.

"I'll join you, I lost my cream bun somewhere" Greg looked around for his lost treat. "Man I was just getting to the jelly in the middle too"

"Ah. Don't worry Greg. Plenty of jelly and cream in the...patisserie?" Nick planted a firm reassuring hand on the younger man's shoulder, sharing a laugh with him.

"Sorry we are late. Couldn't find our lady bird costume" D.B, his wife and granddaughter, Katie, entered the social gathering. "Is everything okay here?" His eyes narrowed in my direction behind his glass frames. "Or is this part of the whole 'zombie sickness' thing?" He grinned to hide his concern.

"We're all good, just a stomach bug over here" I chuckled nervously. D.B. had come dressed in his lab coat, paired with a wacky Einstein inspired grey wig. Barbara had come as a seductive looking vampire, having fake blood dribbling from the corners of her mouth.

"I'm a bug!" Katie giggled and bounced slightly, causing her 'antennae' to bob.

"You supposed to be a crazy scientist?" Ecklie peered at D.B.s attire.

"Why not? I already had all the gear"

"You're supposed to come as someone else!" Morgan laughed as she lightly tapped her supervisors shoulder.

"I told him, he never listens" Barbara smiled sweetly, flashing her vampire teeth. "Sorry if I sound a little funny, these things make it near impossible to talk"

"I told you" D.B. flashed a cheeky smile at his wife, mimicking her wording. After admiring the committed couple for a few moments, I turned away to join Greg and Nick in the kitchen.

Morgan had not limited the Halloween decorations to her living room, with a orange and black striped table cloth hanging over the long table, covered in numerous bowls and plates of food. They were arranged by starters, mains and desserts. Unsurprisingly, Nick and Greg were stood talking at the dessert end of the table.

"Hey guys, enjoying yourself"

"God yes. This meat is so juicy" Nick answering gleefully as he chomped down on a BBQ spare rib.

"Not for me it isn't" I grimaced as I watched him eat.

"Sorry Sar." He turned away to finish his meaty treat before throwing the remains in the bin nearby.

"Are you feeling better?" Greg's voice was quietened by the cream bun he was devouring.

"A little yeah. I'll be fine."

"You're always fine, aren't you Sara" Nick peered over at me, wiping away any remains of the ribs from his slightly stubble struck chin.

"Sarcasm your second language Nicky?" I spat back, suddenly unhappy to be in his presence. Nick stood down, clearly not expecting my come back.

"Hey, come on you two. Show us that sibling love" Greg stood between us uneasily. "It's a celebration remember?"

"This is sibling love" I spoke to the younger man with an irritated tone. Nick shook his head, stepping past me to grab a paper plate. I heard him hum behind me as he reached around the table, selecting food then placing it on the plate. "Going for more ribs?" I added without dignity.

"Here, eat this. You always get snappy when you are hungry and tired." Nick spoke softly.

"Thank you" I said quietly, genuinely touched by his gesture of kindness. A sharp feeling of foolishness flooded my conscience as I thought of my actions just moments ago. Regardless of the fact that he was once my superior and we had both gone for the same promotion years ago, Nick has always been like a brother to me, even when we did argue. Although I had no siblings of my own, Nick told me that that was a normal thing for siblings to do.

"Sorry Nick, I am just fed up of this sickness"

"Well, Henry said it would go in a couple of days." Greg crossed the room and began searching the kitchen cupboards. "I'll see if Morgan has some flu and cold tablets or something. We could try shift it a little".

I found a seat then tucked into the little meal Nick had hand picked for me. Egg cress sandwich, a handful of ready salted crisps, some cheese cubes, salted crackers and a pickle. Biting into the sandwich I watched Greg move about the kitchen, then smiled at Nick to show my gratitude. "Delicious" I held up the bitten sandwich to illustrate. He nodded with a grin then turned to watch Greg, who now looked unsuccessful.

"No, can't find anything here"

"That's okay, I'll be fine. I'm feeling better already".

"I'm starved!" Brass walked into the kitchen along with Finn. "You feel better cookie?" Brass nodded to me.

"Fi-" I started but decided to change my answer. "Better, thanks".

"Good, I'm going to get started on these ribs" Brass grinned, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

"Ah, beat you to it man" Nick beamed.

"You're both gross" I shuddered as I finished my sandwich and started eating some of the crisps. "Egg cress all the way"

"You eat like a rabbit" Greg spoke in a poor Welsh accent, resulting in laughter from all those present.

"Thanks Greg, I love being compared to little furry creatures" I giggled but stopped short when another wave of nausea flushed through me. "Oh, ugh" I mumbled as I squeezed my eyes shut. "Where's the bathroom?" I spoke loud with urgency.

"Erm, it's upstairs to the left I think, you ok-" before Brass could finish I had pushed the plate from my lap, ran from the room and bolted up the stairs. Upon reaching the bathroom I slammed the door shut, not caring whether it was locked or not. I crouched over the toilet seat, crying out as bile violently pushed its way from my stomach into the empty bowl. Tears stung my eyes as my chest jerked uncontrollably.

"Sara? Sweetie can I come in?" Finn entered the bathroom, pulling my hair from my face before placing it in a bobble. "Here" she soothed as she placed a wet cloth to my burning forehead. I moved away from the toilet, hoping I was finished for now. Holding the cloth in place, I looked up at my friend.

"Finn, will you take me home?"

* * *

_Monday, November 18__th__ 2013._

"You want to join us for breakfast?" Nick popped his head around the door frame of the locker room. "So far its me, Greg, Morgan and Hodges, still need to ask D.B."

"Yeah, why not. Let me just grab my coat and stuff? I'll grab D.B on the way out"

"See you there?"

"Yes, see you in twenty".

With that he was gone, disappeared around the corner. After pulling my casual shoes on, I placed my boots in the locker, then made my way to D.B's office.

"Oh Sara! Wait a minute" Hodges all but jumped out at me from his lab. "Can I talk to you a second..in confidence?" He wrung his hands as his eyes flickered to survey the lab halls. Intrigued by his nervousness, I stepped into his lab.

"What's up?" I leaned against a table, waiting for him to explain.

"Well..it's just. It's about Morgan"

"Is she okay? She's not having nightmares or anything is she?"

"I don't know...because we haven't shared a bed...if you know what I mean" Hodges was obviously feeling awkward discussing this subject. "I don't know who to talk to about it. The guys would just laugh at me and I don't know Finn well enough"

"What...what exactly is the problem? I mean, have you..done other stuff?"

"Well, we've kissed...gotten quite passionate in that area. But..I..I don't know. I'm just worried she won't like me..in bed" He sighed, looking down at his feet.

"Listen to me Hodges. Morgan is a simple woman, she really feels for you. I know you have split from Elisabetta a short while ago, but a woman who judges a man based purely on how he is as a lover..is not the type of woman you should be with. Morgan just wants to know she is appreciated, like any woman. Be yourself, take it slow and enjoy yourself. Let it happen when it happens" He visibly relaxed as I spoke, a small smile spreading across his lips.

"Thanks Sara. I'll...I'll do that" He smiled, still awkward. "Can you not tell anyone about this?"

"Of course not" I shook my head but stopped when my vision didn't follow. "I'll see you at breakfast" He nodded, then turned back to his work: clearing things away. I walked from the lab space, down the hallway towards D.B.'s office, ignoring the cloudiness in my head. Slowing down, I gripped the walls as my vision gave away, my environment suddenly becoming dark.

I heard gasps as my being collapsed onto the hard floors. I heard footsteps rushing towards me. I heard someone shout my name. Then I heard: nothing.

* * *

"Sara...are you waking up? Excuse me nurse! My friend is waking up!" Finn's voice filtered into my waking mind. Pushing through the groggy feeling, I opened my eyes to see a pristine, almost entirely white room. The hospital. 'Great' I thought inwardly as I struggled to sit up.

"How long have I been out for?" I muttered to no one in particular.

"A couple hours. The doctors have been running tests"

"Did I faint? What happened?"

"Yes, Hodges said you were fine. Then you just collapsed in the lab. Everyone was here but were told to go home"

"That's okay"

"Ah, Miss Sidle. You're awake. Good stuff" An older, very experienced looking doctor waltzed into the room. "How are you feeling right now? A little bit of drowsiness is completely normal"

"Yeah, I do feel a little disorientated but okay overall"

"That's fine. We are giving you some fluids to return your blood pressure to normal, but you should be good to go tomorrow. A follow up consultation will be needed of course."

"I have low blood pressure?"

"Yes Miss Sidle, its perfectly normal during the first trimester. Nothing to worry too much about." He spoke those words in such a nonchalant manner that it actually offended me that he didn't realise the ramifications of them. The first trimester. My heart thudded as a cold sweat overcame me. The doctor looked down to his notepad to scribble some notes.

"I'm sorry" My voice was horse as my mouth was suddenly dry. "Did you just say..the first trimester?" The doctor looked back up, seemingly confused by my question.

"Yes...are you not aware that you're pregnant?"

* * *

**Be honest, how many of you saw that coming? Leave a line, thanks!**

**TBC.**


	10. Chapter 9

**Title: **Chapter 9

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_As always, thanks for reviews and all the support. I know you are all eager to find out what's going on..it won't be long now! Let me just say though, I've certainly noticed who you guys are favouring. Wow. _

**Summary: "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." ― Friedrich Nietzsche**

* * *

_Monday, November 18__th__ 2013_

The doctors words seemed to ricochet off the pristine walls. The steely eyes of the seasoned doctor trained on my reaction as I struggled to take in air. My mind clouded with such intensity it was almost painful. "Pregnant...pregnant" I mumbled over and over as though the mere repetition of the words would make it more logical. Quickly doing some basic arithmetic, I figured I must be around two months pregnant; I hadn't slept with any man since that night in the San Francisco hotel. My chest heaved as I sucked in the suddenly dry air. Finn, whom I had forgotten was present up until this moment, had delved into her bag to retrieve a water bottle.

"Here sweetie. Drink this, it will calm you a little". Her arm extended to offer the bottle. But I didn't want a drink. I wanted answers. I looked up to the doctor, his clipboard now placed on the bottom of the bed.

"Miss Sidle, did you notice any symptoms? Fatigue? Nausea? Vomiting or disturbance to the menstrual cycle?"

Sudden realisation hit me with a undignified thud. The sickness at the party. My fatigue at work. The dizziness this earlier in the day. "Well..yes. But I have a stressful job and there was a bug going around..I just assumed it was that" I replied quietly. In all honestly, I felt stupid for not noticing. My head bowed while I continued. "Do you know how far along I am?"

"We have already taken blood to determine. I was not sure whether you knew you were pregnant or not, but most women can tell" He spoke in a soft tone, but this did nothing to soften the blow. "The levels of HCG in your blood suggest that you are approximately..." he leaned down to check the paper strapped to the clipboard "ten weeks pregnant. Would you like a scan to confirm? I'm sure I can make a quick booking now" His arm extended towards the doorway.

"Wait. I should only be about 2 months...that can't be right" I frowned at the doctor as I worked out the math. I hadn't been with any man in months before that night. The doctor looked confused for a moment before his facial expressions returned to normal.

"Oh no, Miss Sidle. When we calculate pregnancy length we add two weeks onto the presumed conception date. You are actually about 8-9 weeks, but we include the last period experienced. Sorry for the confusion there." Instead of answering I quickly bobbed my head. He smiled while leaning over to retrieve his clipboard. "I'll go set that scan up for you, won't be long".

After he left, I released the breath I had held ransom. Finn turned to me, still offering the bottled water. "Thanks" I muttered as I swallowed a couple of mouthfuls. My thirst quenched, I turned back to her.

"Are you okay..with this?" Finn gently rubbed an open palm against my left shoulder. "It must be a lot to take in."  
"Got that right. God, how I am supposed to do this Finn?" My body began to shake at the thought of bringing a child into the world. "I can't bring up a child. Not like this? I can't even get my own life in order, I'm a mess..who would want this as a mother" I flung my arms out to gesture to myself, Finn becoming blurry as tears burned my eyes. "For fucks sake" I caved my body inwards, shutting Finn out.

"Sara, don't do this. Talk to me." Her calm voice just angered me more.

"How can you remain calm!" I screeched, dragging my head up from the sitting foetal position I was in. Instead of stepping down, she only shifted in her seat. Digging into her bag once more, she pulled away a wad of tissues.

"Come on. Clean yourself up and we'll talk. Stress isn't good for you, not right now".

Grumbling my irritation, I complied. The tissues were used and quickly disposed of. I focussed on steadying my heartbeat while Finn sat beside me; loyal but quiet. A cool hand slid across the bland bedsheets to cover mine. I smiled apologetically at my faithful friend. "Feel better?" I nodded but felt undeserving of her kindness. "Look you don't have to tell me everything, but whatever decision you make..well its yours to make. I'll support you, whatever that decision is." The corner of her mouth flickered slightly when she had finished speaking.

"Thank you. Sorry for that. It's just..such a shock. I don't know what to do."

"Do you still want to do the scan? I can catch the doctor and tell him to cancel?"

"No, I need to know."

"Do you know who the father is?" Consciously or not, Finn leaned in as she asked the question, as though the answer was a secret for the ages. I remained quiet for a few moments. My eyes followed the criss cross pattern on the bedsheets, purposely avoiding Finn's glare. She snapped back to her earlier position but kept her hand on mine. "Sorry, didn't mean to pry. I just suppo-"

"-Yes, of course I know who it is. I just don't know what to do about it."

"Sara, its your body. Decide if you want to keep it or not, then take it from there."

"There's a lot to consider here. I mean, my work schedule alone is manic. I have the money, but the time? I'm not sure. Also, my house isn't exactly made for children...God almighty..." I sighed heavily. Finn gave a wayward smile as she squeezed my hand.

"It's not like you don't have enough support though. Remember, we are all here for you Sar"

My lips quivered as she spoke. Instead of answering I nodded my head, afraid that speaking would open the gateway for more tears. My hands clasped together on my lap while we both waited in silence for the doctor to come back. My thumbs danced about nervously. Finally, after roughly thirty-five minutes of silent agony, the doctor returned.

"Sara, we are good to go. Do you need a wheelchair? My name is Dr Hammond by the way. I'm not sure I told you before." His steely voice shook me out of my faze. Finn noticeably jumped at his arrival.

"No, I'm okay thank you...Dr Hammond. Can we just go" I spoke urgently as I began to sit up. Once my feet reached the floor, I pushed my weight from the bed. Then immediately regretted it as I lost balance soon after. "Jesus" I groaned as I bounced back on the bed.

"Maybe that wheelchair would be a good idea.." Finn directed the doctor with her usual authoritative tone. He gave a short nod before turning on his heel and disappearing once more out the door. Only seconds later he returned with the sought after object.

"Here you go Miss Sidle." He spoke softer than before as he brought the mobile chair to my beside. He helped me into the chair with as much grace as possible and, before long, we were making our way down the hospital corridor once more. My eyes wandered as I remembered being here not so long ago when Morgan and Ellie were being cared for. Of course this was a different ward, but very similar in design regardless.

"Erm, excuse me..Dr Hammond?" I turned back towards the doctor who was wheeling me around, only to catch a glimpse of his white jacket and ID tag, but he answered me anyway. I turned back forward facing as I continued. "When does implantation bleeding occur?" I questioned as my visual memory focussed on the crimson patches that stained my underwear more than six weeks ago.

"Between five and twelve days after actual intercourse, with nine usually being the average" He stated automatically. I nodded silently, noting that the bleeding had occurred nearly six days after our first..encounter. Blushing I remembered how we had spent nearly the whole of the time we had together between the sheets. "Okay, here we are.." Dr Hammond announced as we entered a small room with a friendly looking woman sat next to a desk which was attached to the wall at the far end of the room. Closet to us were two large chairs, then a bed to lay on and a large computer, which I assumed was used for the scan itself.

"..Sidle?" The woman spoke out loud as she looked down at some notes on her desk. After I had confirmed she continued with the introduction. "I'm Jackie, I'll be your sonographer today." Dr Hammond wheeled me over towards the bed before bringing me to a halt.

"I'll leave you in Jackie's capable hands. If you need me, just call" He smiled before he left.

"Sara, you didn't know you were pregnant?"

"I had no idea" I blushed again. "Just..didn't cross my mind I suppose." She nodded as I spoke. "I've come for a confirmation scan..to see my erm, how far along I am."

"I see." She glanced down at the notes, then back up at myself. "Lets get you on the table, can you walk?" She stood to help me.

"It's okay, I've got her" Finn smiled politely as she gripped my elbows gently then lead me to the bed. "Here Sara, just scoot your butt back." After I had wiggled into position I relaxed into the much softer bed.

"Are you ready Sara? You don't mind me calling you Sara right?"

"It's fine" I stammered with nerves knotting my stomach.

"Can you just roll your shirt up for me? Thanks." She turned away as she collected a few items. "This will be a little cold, but it will warm as it makes contact with your skin." She squeezed a sizeable amount of the gel onto my skin. I hissed softly as it made contact, earning a giggle from the sonographer. "So, are you ladies..together?"

"she fainted earlier today..before we knew she was pregnant." Finn answered for me, her hand rubbing my arm.

"I mean like..girlfriends..or do you prefer the term life partners?" Jackie smoothed the viscous fluid onto my stomach as she spoke. Finn giggled at her assumption.

"She's just a close friend..not that close though!" Finn smiled as she glanced down at me, calming my nerves a little.

"Oh!" Jackie stopped momentarily as she noted her mistake. "Sorry, I didn't mean to assume..I just..you get couples coming in who have done IVF at home..I shouldn't have assumed.."

"It's fine, not to worry" I grinned at her, realising I wanted her to continue so we could get on with it. My legs trembled slightly as she resumed, relaxed once more. When she was done, she picked up the flat ended probe and danced it over my stomach. The screen was turned away, so me and Finn couldn't see what she was looking at. One thing was for certain, she was frowning a lot. "Is everything okay?" I asked, uncertain of myself. A smile broke out on Jackie's face as she turned back to me. "It's fine, I'm just taking some measurements to estimate how far along you are and your due date..." She turned back to the screen as she focussed on the size, mumbling out loud as she did so. "About nineteen mm...your baby is between ten and eleven weeks old". A short huff of air flared my nostrils as I cursed inwardly; my excitement being clouded by jealousy that the sonographer was the first person to lay eyes on the life inside me. Finally the screen was turned in our direction. Jackie pointed out a small black sac that was set aside from the rest of the grey. Within the sac was a coiled over, very tiny figure. Not yet a full baby, but a head and body were clearly visible. I heard Finn utter a single 'wow' as she leaned closer.

My breath left me as I gazed upon my baby, realising that it was not a child that I was bringing into the world, but my own baby. My very own little creation. In an instant, the problems concerning my career, house and relationships had vanished; all the necessary sacrifices would be made for my child. I gasped as tears leaked from my eyes. I watched the slightly jiggling form on screen, the pure astonishment moving me. "Nine weeks this Saturday". I whispered. Both Finn and Jackie glanced at me in surprise. "I mean, that's when the baby was conceived..that's how long ago we..you know..I'm not including those two extra weeks.." I tried to explain. 'Oh' Jackie silently mouthed as she realised what I meant.

"Were you trying for a baby?" She asked innocently. The probe was moved about my stomach to gain a better look.

"No, its a complete surprise, but a miracle" I gushed, feeling pride as I watched my baby move about on screen. An overwhelming sense of responsibility washed over me, almost startling me. "I fainted earlier today..should I be worried about it?"

"It's not unusual to feel dizzy occasionally when you're pregnant; your cardiovascular system undergoes dramatic changes. Your heart rate increases and your heart pumps more blood per minute. Your blood vessels will dilate and contract throughout your pregnancy, so your blood pressure will fluctuate too." She explained fluently. "A majority of the time, your cardiovascular and nervous systems are able to adapt to these fluctuations, and there's the necessary blood flow to your brain. But every now and again they don't adjust quickly enough, which can leave you feeling light headed and sometimes cause you to faint, unfortunately. Would you like some pictures?" She gestured to the images on screen. I nodded eagerly, unable to suppress my grin.

* * *

"It isn't going to disappear you know" Finn chuckled as she glanced at me from the drivers seat. The glossy image of my child was gripped tightly in my hands. Ever since we had left the hospital that afternoon, I had been engrossed in the image. Tearing myself away from it now, I turned to my friend.

"Sorry, I just can't help it. I can't believe I'm having a baby."

"Well that reaction is a world away from the one you had in the hospital room when you first found out."

"I know. Again, I'm sorry about that." I cringed outwardly. Turning away from her, I took in some of the scenery. We were about ten minutes away from my home judging by the familiar surroundings. "But seeing it for real..its different Finn. I can't explain it."  
"I know the feeling" She replied sadly. I jerked my head back to the driver. Finn had her eyes focussed on the road, but the tick that caused her lips to quiver couldn't be mistaken. "I was about thirteen weeks gone..but I was so excited to meet my..child" She continued. "Then one day Mike had to rush me to the hospital because I started getting these terrible pains...but it was too late by the time we got there." She sighed sadly as she turned right onto another street. My eyes caught the freshly printed picture on my lap.

"Jules, I never knew. God, I'm so sorry...I shouldn't be going on like this". Suddenly feeling ashamed for pushing my happiness in her face, I turned away once more. Children squealed as they played in the local park, their mothers chasing them exhaustedly. It was quite a warm day considering the time of the year. Jackie had told us after printing the pictures that the baby would be due in late June – June 28thbe precise. A summer baby, I thought with excitement. Then guilt caught me again when I remembered that Finn had been in this situation before, but never got the chance to see it through. "Sorry for being selfish Finn."

"No, Sara. Don't say that" Her hand found my forearm to give it a friendly pat. This earned my attention as I looked at the now emotional blonde. "You should be happy right now. Heck, we should celebrate somehow. Its a beautiful and special time for you." Her smile was genuine. Content with the atmosphere once more, we returned to silence for the rest of the short drive. As my home came into view I pulled a loose strand of hair back behind my ear, getting ready to get out of the car. "Here we are.." Finn moved the key from the ignition, killing the car. "You good to walk?"

"Yeah, all good" I smiled as I removed my seat belt and left the car. We made our way to the house. "You want to come in for coffee?"

"Sounds good." She agreed as I unlocked the front door. Luckily, D.B had taken my belongings to the hospital while I was unconscious. I'll have to thank him for that later, I noted. The house was much as I had left it, albeit a little dirtier from me not being home for nearly two days. I had pulled a triple before collapsing, only showering at the lab and grabbing a quick nap in my office. Realising I had not eaten properly for quite some time, I decided it would be a good idea to get some lunch. I left Finn at the doorway while I padded through the house. Finn removed her coat and shoes, then followed me over to the kitchen area, seating herself on the bar stool.

"Coffee or tea?" I queried as I moved about. Grabbing two mugs and placing them on the glass board, I waited for her answer. "Do you want something to eat? I'm going to get some lunch."

"Coffee is good, you know how I like it. And no, I'm good thanks."

"Ah then. Coffee for one. And one only" I turned back to her smiling as I picked up the coffee jar.

"Oh yeah! You can't have coffee now." Her brows shot up as she leaned back, allowing her laughter to take precedence. It wasn't exactly a secret that I loved my coffee. Greg and Nick even had an ongoing joke that it was my running fuel. "Goodness, how will you survive!" Finn asked gleefully.

"I'm sure I'll find a way. Besides, it's all worth it.." I placed the steaming mug in front of her. I brought my sweetened tea to my mouth, my other hand gently caressing my still flattened stomach. My baby couldn't be felt yet, but it wouldn't be too long before I could sense its movements. My eyes flashed towards my bag slumped on the kitchen top, the numerous leaflets protruding from the open top. Jackie had handed me these as I waited for my prints, asking if I had any questions or queries. Truth be told, the whole thing was a blur from the moment I had seen that perfect image on screen. A happy hum escaped me as I thought of settling down and giving the leaflets a good read later, when Finn had left. We only sipped our drinks for a few moments before Finn addressed the giant elephant in the room.

"Look, I know you might not want to tell anyone. But you need to call him at least. You know, the father. He deserves to know." She placed her mug down on the breakfast bar while she spoke. "It's his child too." Her voice returned to that softness she had addressed me with in the hospital. Her nails scraped the mug edges anxiously as she awaited my reply; evidently she believed it would be a touchy subject. As much as I wanted him to know, part of me was terrified of what he might say. This baby was nothing short of a miracle; and for it to be regarded as anything less would be unacceptable.

"I know that Finn, I do. I just..I'm scared of his reaction, you know..." My head dropped sheepishly. I thought of the man in question, imaging his response. Would he be happy? Sad? Would he want to be a father in the first place? Want to be with me and the baby? Finn's expression seemed pained as she concentrated on the coffee mug on the bar. A couple of seconds past before she braved speaking again.

"You never know, he might be thrilled? You never know how a man will be in that situation. Mike was never a family man, but he was thrilled when he found out about our little one. You never know how a man will act when faced with the prospect of being a father."

"I suppose..I'll call him now." I reached towards my bag. "I don't even know what to say.."  
"You could tell him straight out..or lead into it later in conversation. You know him better than me..just go with your gut I say". She smiled reassuringly as I toyed with my phone. I nodded as I blew out some hot air, finally punching the numbers into my phone. I was met with the expected ring tone as our phones connected. Finn nibbled her lip in anticipation as she watched.

"Hello?" His voice filled my ears. In a rush I remembered our time together. My lone drinking. Our energetic passion. The piercing look of disappointment that crossed his face as I left him. My lungs emptied as I forgot how to speak. "Hello? Sara is this you?" The voice on the other end of the phone was louder, more demanding this time.

"Hi, yeah. Yes, it's me" I stuttered like a fool. "How are you?"

"A little confused. I've been trying to get through to you, are you in Vegas?"

"Yes. Sorry about that. I've been busy with everything.."

"Oh" He breathed simply. An awkward pause stood between us. "Are the girls okay?" The slight hitch in his voice didn't go unnoticed.

"Sorry?" I glanced over at Finn, as though she held all the answers. She shook her head, only listening to one half of the conversation. "Girls?"

"Ellie and Morgan, right? They are abducted?"

"Oh!" I exclaimed. My hand slapped against my forehead as I spun around to reach my tea. "They are fine, we found them in time. They've recovered excellently in the time being. I'll give them your regards.."

"Great." Silence once more. Turning back to Finn with a mug in my hand, I gripped the phone close to my ear. The coffee drinking blonde flung her arms out and bounced her shoulders in a 'what's going on?' gesture. I pulled away from the phone. 'No idea' I mouthed. "Erm, Sara?" The phone came back to life suddenly, prompting me to place it back to my ears.

"Yes?"

"We need to talk about what happened.."

"I know..when do you have time off?"

A couple of papers shifted before he answered. I reasoned that he was checking his work schedule. My weight shifted from one foot to the other while I waited. Nerves crept back into my system insidiously. "Erm, time off? I have a few days this weekend I think"

"Great..would you mind a flying visit?" I smiled, trying to lighten the sickening feeling in my stomach.

"I'm sure I have some time...is it that urgent? Can't we just talk now?"

"No, I really need to see you." My shoulders sagged. "It's important."

"I'll see what I can do."

* * *

**Sorry to leave you on a cliff-hanger there! Thanks for reading - let me know what you think. Also, if I've made any spelling mistakes, please tell me!**

**TBC.**


	11. Chapter 10

**Title: **Chapter 10

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_Thanks for the brilliant reviews, so glad you are all enjoying it and keep the support coming. Its lovely motivation. Just want to note,** I am moving house, so this will be the last chapter for a while** - I need to get settled and get internet back. So I'll be taking a little haitus. **Now...all will be revealed, but who is going to be disappointed? **_

**Summary: "You can have it all. Just not all at once." ― Oprah Winfrey**

* * *

_Thursday, November 21__st__ 2013._

My office was in pitch darkness as I tried to calm my swirling vision. I returned to work almost immediately - both myself and Finn had convinced D.B. that the whole fainting thing was nothing to be concerned about and that I would be fine to work. In the three days since I had discovered my little one, not another soul had been told. The only other person that knew was Finn, and I intended to keep it that way. At least until the father knew. After calling him a few days ago, I didn't have the nerve to tell him over the phone. Instead, I insisted that he flew to Vegas so we could talk in person which I honestly thought would be the more appropriate way to tell him. But I could tell from the tremor in his voice that he was a little worried. Regardless, he resisted in pressing me for more information.

Settling into my chair, I sipped at some cold water while my vision gradually cleared. My hand grazed my stomach as I considered the very real possibility of being a single parent. I had felt sorry for Catherine when I began working here. Watching her rush around, trying to further her career and raise Lindsey at the same time. It was not uncommon for her to complain of her tiredness, the lack of a social circle outside of the lab as well as a love life. "Never had loads of friends out of here anyway" I chuckled softly. Money was not an issue. I am barely home anyway, so most of it stays in my bank account. Of course, I would have to move house to somewhere more suited for a child. Hopefully to a more suburban area in Vegas with a lower crime rate. A home that was open and warm, with a lush green garden. I smiled as I fantasized.

The creaking of the opening door disrupted me. I frowned as I sought to see my visitor, but relaxed upon seeing that I was Finn. Although she had been at court earlier in the day, her clothes were now very casual in comparison. It had been a hit and run that had graced the TV screens, as well as newspapers, for quite some time. The victim was a thirteen year old boy who had been walking home from school. The defendant, a seventeen year old, had been joyriding with a couple friends. The younger boy had been ran over because the driver succumbed to a 'double dare'. Fortunately, the boy survived the event with no lasting injuries and only had to spend a few days in ICU before being moved to a more relaxed area of the hospital. The remorseless attackers were now behind bars – thanks to Finn and Greg. The successful woman stood before the heavy wooden desk. "Sara, how you doing? Thought I'd come see you."

"Slow night huh?" I leaned forward in my desk as she walked further into the room, hitting the light on the way. The office became illuminated immediately. Books, samples and spare pens became newly visible to the naked eye.

"That's an understatement if I ever heard one." She made her way to the chair beside the desk, making herself comfortable. "I mean jeez. I almost want someone to drop." The blonde seemed weary. I laughed at her state of boredom.

"What? Have you come looking for gossip or something? 'Cause you're not going to find it here. Go see the lab rats for that"

"No, they are all going on about Hodges and Morgan still...I know it all"

"That's because you spread it all.."

"Hey!" Finn gawked at me, flinging her arm out in a mock attempt of getting back at me. "They are a cute couple though."

"Yeah, very cute. I'll give them that." I agreed happily. "So what did you come for?"

"Boredom. Let's talk about something fun?"

"Not in the mood to discuss Nick's ass right now" I chuckled, referencing back to one of the many drunken conversations between the two of us. Finn momentarily blushed madly at my accusation but soon recovered and tried to steer the conversation elsewhere.

"You know..we never did discuss what happened in 'Cisco". I groaned as the topic came up.

"Fine, you really want to know?" At this, Finn's eyes grew ablaze with excitement.

"Yes! I mean..only if you want me too."

"You better get a mug of tea and get comfortable then, its a long tale."

* * *

After a thirty-five minute explanation, I concluded my account of events in the week I was away. "And then, I just left. I had to, Morgan and Ellie were in trouble." I reasoned, trying to defend my actions. Finn sat back in astonishment at the account of events. I told her everything, from the moment I finished with Lyle Brinks to the time spent with both Gil and Doug and even that passionate night – including the lustful morning – spent in the hotel with the father of my child.

"You could write a novel with that crap" She murmured when I had finished. "God Sara, that's an intense vacation"

"It is for your emotional well-being, yes" I wrapped my hands around my lukewarm tea. I had only taken a couple sips in the time I had spent talking. Finn had finished hers just moments beforehand. "You can't tell anyone, please Finn" I pleaded as I set the mug aside. Finns hazel eyes met mine.

"You have my word."

"You sure as hell don't have mine, I'm going to kill him!" Nick stormed into my office, startling both Finn and myself.

"Nick?"

"Nick, what the hell!" I screeched unhappily. "Have you been listening to us?"

"Well I walked past and heard you say something about a steamy night. Thought you were discussing something good. Then I realised you were pregnant and he's not here? That's out of order Sara!"

"Nick keep your voice down!" Finn had jumped from her seat and approached the angry Texan with waving arms. Her voice in hushed tones, she attempted to appeal to him.

"It's not like that Nick. Sit down!" My voice wasn't as hushed as I commanded him.

"No, tell me what's going on." He growled. I swear I could see his lips actually curling back to bare his teeth.

"You heard most of it right?"

He shrugged a little before relaying what he had heard before. He clearly had a partial view. "Does he know?"

"No! No he doesn't. I haven't told him yet. He is coming here on Sunday, I'm going to tell him then." I breathed, tired from the sudden drama. Nick's shoulders sagged as he realised his actions were in vain. Finn exchanged looks with the CSI.

"Sorry Sar. I just got all pent up..thought you had told him and he had bailed or something." He scratched his head as he spoke. The tension in the room was slowly lifting as we realised the source of Nick's outrage; just a result of miscommunication.

"No, not at all. Well, at least not yet anyway." I added sadly as reality set in once more. Finn settled back into her seat. "Close the door please Nick." He did so without speaking, then approached the desk once more. A wide smile dominated his clean shaven face.

"Hey, come here" He stood with his arms held out. I smiled, standing to join him. "Congratulations Sara" He grinned as he enveloped me into a bear hug. "You told Greg and the rest of the team yet?"

"No, not yet. I want to keep it that way too..so I guess I'm not going to discuss this at the lab any more"

"Yeah, that's not working out for you" Finn scoffed, her amusement at the turn of events showing. She stood from her seat, looked around and patted herself down before turning back to us. "I'm going to check with D.B, see if any cases have become available in the past hour. See you later?" Halfway through the sentence she had began making her way towards the door, only half turning her body to speak to us.

"I'll see you" I waved her off.

"Check you later" Nick called as she left. "For once, I'm not the last to know." He beamed as he took a seat in Finn's place. Leaning back into it, he offered a relaxed offence. His dark eyes scanned the room for a few moments. "On a serious note though, I need to talk to you..about this." The chocolate orbs linked back to me again – now overflowing with sincerity.

"Oh?" I leaned forward once more. I sat quietly, waiting for him to continue. Nick glanced about the room as he looked for the correct wording. "You okay there champ?" I smiled, hoping to hide my nerves. The twisting sensation in my stomach was becoming more and more familiar. For a few moments Nick said nothing while he focussed, his brow stitching together indefinitely.

"Listen..Sara. You're like a sister to me, you know that right?" He waited for me to nod before going on. His torso tilted towards the desk as he leaned towards me. "I don't want you to feel like you need to go through this alone. I want you to know that I'm here for you. Money, time..even a roof over your head. I'm here for you...both of you."

"Wh..what exactly do you mean?" My head tilted unconsciously. When news of my separation broke in the lab, Nick had been amazingly supportive. Along with Greg, a lot of effort was made to ensure that I wasn't alone, that I was coping okay. They had taken me out a couple of times for a friendly dinner or to the movies to see the latest horror flick. While Nick often turned green at the sight of such films, Greg and I were wildly humoured at the fake gore. The time spent with them had reminded me of the older days, before Warrick had passed and Natalie had set in motion my relationships demise. I mentally kicked myself back into the present conversation with Nick, my head still tilted to the right while he spoke quietly.

"I mean...if he doesn't want anything to do with you and the baby..you can come live with me." He gestured towards himself. "Not as a couple of course, but like we'd share a house for the child so it has stability. I mean, you saw what Catherine was like when Lindsey was a little girl? Never had childcare, always working on a lack of sleep and everything else. I figure this way, one of us is always at home and you don't lose out on too much sleep. They always go on about a child need a consistency and financial support...you know..it's a possibility anyway.." He ended by mumbling. "I mean, only if you want to of course. I'd love to have you" The corners of his eyes crinkled while he widened his smile. A rose tint flushed his face while he spoke.

Genuinely touched by his gallant gesture I remained speechless for a few moments. The fact that my life would change so much in the next year overwhelmed me. While I was happy to make sacrifices, I loved the idea of having a dear friend to help me at all times, especially a friend who was experience with children. I opened my mouth to speak but instead my throat swelled with joy. I breathing became laboured as tears pricked my eyes. Nick rushed to my side, wrapping his arms around my rocking frame. "Sorry..I'm sorry. Hormones." I gave a wet smile as I struggled to get back to usual. The lump in my throat remained relentlessly. "Thanks Nick, I don't know what I'd do without someone like you."

* * *

_Sunday, November 24__th __2013._

The sodden towels were removed from the freshly made bed, folded and placed on the radiator to dry. Glancing around the room to make sure a thing was not out of place, I wondered if my anxiety was evident to others. The bedside clock read 3:05. The visitor I was so eagerly awaiting had landed at approximately 2:30. "Not long.." I muttered while I rushed to the mirror at the end of the room. The woman in my reflection definitely reflected the amount of anxiety that coursed through my veins. The attire was comfortable but looked like it took effort. Hair and make up – simple. No jewellery. It was the body language that exuded the lack of confidence.

"When is he due again?" Nick's heavy Texan drawl sounded from the living room. He had insisted that he stay with me and keep me company while I waited. Although I had told him that I would be fine, he stated that I needed him 'to keep me sane'.

"Not long. I'm the one talking to him remember, not you" I smiled at my reflection but it didn't seem to make a large improvement. The woman in the mirror followed suit and turned to the side as I did. My mind wandered to the leaflets I had read a few dozen times; the wording on how my body would change came to mind. Apparently the bathroom would become my best friend soon, this awful sickness would continue but improve when I reached the second trimester. I tilted my head as I realised that my breasts would begin to swell. "Can't be half bad" I giggled.

"You say something Sara?"

"Erm, nope.." I moved away from the mirror to find the owner of the distinctive voice. I found Nick slouched on the couch, remote in one hand and glass of soda in the other. "Just make yourself at home Nicky, you look like you're having a hard day." I smiled at my long time friend. He chuckled as he moved over to make room for myself. "I'm going to make a pot of tea..you best get going soon. He won't be long." I jammed my thumb in direction of the front door. Nick pulled his arm around to view, pulling back his sleeve to reveal his watch.

"Supposed to be here at about 3:15 right?"

"Yeah, what time is it now?"

"Exactly 3:07. Let me finish my soda and I'll keep you company a bit longer." He smiled convincingly, but I knew his motive. Shaking my head, I walked across the room to sit beside him.

"Listen Nick. I really appreciate what you are doing, but you can't be here when he arrives. I need alone time with him." Nicks head dropped.

"Sorry Sar. I just...I'm angry with him..why didn't he chase you to Vegas after your night together?"

"Because he probably thought the same thing that I did...that it was a mistake and wouldn't happen again.." My eyes moved from Nicks face to my lap while a hot flush filled my face. "I can't fully explain it, because I don't fully understand it myself. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go soon." Nick lifted my face to meet his. He smiled broadly before twisting his body away to pick up his soda. He tilted his head back while he emptied the contents of the glass into his mouth. When he was done he passed the glass to me.

"I understand. I hope it all goes okay" He muttered while moving to stand. I walked away from him to place the glass in the adjoining kitchen. Upon my return, he was by the doorway. He stood on one foot, balancing the other against the wall as he pulled on his shoe. "You tell me if you need me...I can take him out" He stood straight and pulled his finger across his throat but beamed happily. I laughed at his antics as I gained proximity o him.

"You know I'm trained in weapon less defence. I can kill a man with his own finger.."

"Not sure if that's something to brag about sweetie" Nick chuckled as he pulled me into a hug. "I'll see you at work. I wish you luck."

"Thanks" I mumbled. He pulled away and, with one last look at myself, was out of the door. Not knowing exactly what to do with myself, I quickly checked the wall clock. 3:14. I wrung my hands nervously as I made my way to the bay window. He would be here soon and I still had no idea what to say to him. I leaned against the wall as I watched the world from behind the glass barrier. The leaves of the trees moved with the invisible wind. The greying clouds overheard clapped violently as a defiant bolt of lightening split the sky. I worried about Nick's journey home as I watched the trees, skies and lightening dance and sing in natures harsh orchestra. Pushing myself away from the scene, I made my way to the couch and rested in the area that Nick sat in only moments previously. The plush pillows greeted my suddenly weary body. I slid my eyes closed allowing anything other than the current situation to dominate my thoughts.

* * *

"Sara...God Sara" he grunted into my shoulder as we came down from our highs. "I've missed you so". He pulled loose hair from my sticky forehead as he scanned my face. "It's been a while...hasn't it.."  
"Not that long since I last saw you" I laughed softly, the motion causing his member to bump and jostle inside me sightly - my laughter turning into a happy moan. He grinned at my reaction, leaning down to plant a kiss on my forehead.

"What I meant was.." he spoke in between facial kisses "..its been a while since we have done..this". He gave a single nod to gesture to the two of us. He was still positioned both above me and between my legs, a snug feeling had set between us. An enjoyable moment shared.

"Yes. It has." I stated simply. Arching from the bed to reach him, I nibbled his ears once more. He groaned appreciatively as I gently scratched his bare back. "Let's not waste our time." I whispered. He growled in response while he grew steadily. Moving swiftly, I straightened my legs, pushed him onto his back and straddled him. A sweet look of admiration crossed his face, but it was short lived as I began to move atop of him. I turned myself around then resumed my place, giving him a show of my back and ass.

"Tasty view" He remarked. A large hand grazed my spine evoking delicious shudders. I shot my head back to him to catch a glimpse of his smirk. I began moving on top of him, swaying and bouncing my hips to a silent rhythm. He set his hands on my hips, guiding me towards his pelvis over and over. We groaned delightfully as I increased speed, the intensity of-

* * *

A loud bang shook me from my memory. My eyes flung open at the intrusive noise. Sighing, I lifted my body from the couch and made my way to the door. Nerves tore at my insides. My eye lined up with the keyhole, I spotted the man I had spoken to on the phone. The rain had caused his hair to flatten against his head in the short journey from his rental car to the front door. I ran my hands over my clothes once more and adjusted my hair quickly. "Lets do this". My hand curled over the cold steel of the door handle. Pulling it back, my attention turned to the man on my doorstep. "Hey.." Quickly eyeing him, I noticed most of his clothing was dry. Most of the moisture had been gathered atop his shoulders.

"Hi Sara. How have you been?" The wariness in his voice almost matched mine.

"Fine...why don't you come in?" I moved aside to let him into the house. He nodded before stepping in. "I'm going to go make a pot of tea..make yourself comfortable. I won't be long." He only smiled slightly in response, then toed his shoes off. I registered his silence as his response to his confusion at being called here. In the kitchen, I spent more time than necessary making the said pot of tea. As the water boiled I crossed my arms over my stomach defensively. "It will be okay" I spoke out loud to my tiny nineteen millimetre child. I smiled as I thought of the time in the future when I would be able to caress my bump and even feel my child moving.

"You need help?" My head turned towards my visitor. I shook my head no, then turned back to the tea. After filling the modest sized pot, I placed it on a tray alongside two mugs and made my way towards the living space. My visitor was now stood by the bookcase having a look at my book collection. Upon noticing that I had come back, he moved towards the couch but didn't sit. "What did you want to talk about?" He enquired as he eyed the tea. He looked as though he needed the refreshment. I sighed as I sat down then patted the seat next to me.

"You better sit down Gil."

* * *

**Yes, its the result many of you wanted. But where do we go from here? Already written the next chapter, but predictions would be interesting. Anyone disappointed?**

**Also, just a reminder: I won't be updating for a couple weeks. **

**TBC.**


	12. Chapter 11

**Title: **Chapter 11

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_I'm back again! Sorry for the long update. And for you American readers, yes I am aware there are differences between my story and what happened in the season premiere, but I hope you appreciate it anyway. Just another thing, I will be updating less frequently due to my starting university, but I'll get on here as often as I possibly can!_

**Summary: ****"But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie." ― Khaled Hosseini**

* * *

_Sunday, November 24__th __2013. _

Despite frowning at the command, Gil obeyed regardless. While he settled himself, I worked on making some tea, sweetening each mug to our individual tastes. Two sugars for myself, none for him. "We need to talk about what happened in San Francisco" He stated flatly.

"Yes we do.." I stirred as silently as possible, as though making little noise would cause his attention to drift away. "I'm sorry for running out on you like that Gil..that was wrong of me." He shook his head, quickly swallowing his mouthful of tea.

"No..I understand. They needed you. You're good at what you do Sara...great, actually." He mumbled the end of the sentence while he focused on his steaming mug. I acknowledged the familiar compliment as I sipped my mug, almost cursing at the heat nipping at my top lip. Placing it back on the tray, I turned my body towards him to capture his full attention.

"What happened in San Francisco...Gil that was..

"A mistake" He finished coldly as he set down his own tea. "You were horrifically drunk..I had had a few drinks myself. It shouldn't have happened..it just confuses things."

"If it was such a bad mistake, how could it confuse things? Huh?" I spat demandingly. "Plus, you were stone cold sober the next day..you didn't exactly put a stop to what happened, again." I ignored my minds ear as the sound of his haggard breath panting 'I've missed you' into my ear as we joined were brought back into my present thoughts. My body responded to the thoughts, causing me to blush. He sighed heavily. He decided to drink more tea before continuing the conversation.

"I know..that's why its confusing Sara. I should have stopped it..we both should have. I just..couldn't" He spoke a defeated man.

"Why? Why couldn't you stop?" I leaned forward as though he was about to reveal the all the secrets of the known universe. A glimmer of hope maybe. His eyes dropped, causing it to seem as though he was sleeping sat up. I saw his eyelids flicker as he scanned his lap for an answer. "Do you still feel for me?" I asked gingerly. At this his eyes popped open and narrowed on my features with such force it almost scared me.

"What kind of question...Sara of course I do. I just can't do this any more..it's not fair to either of us."

"I know" I admitted. Not the response he was apparently expecting according to his features. When he first asked for the separation, I had fought for us. I didn't want to admit that we had failed – our marriage and each other. But in time, I came to realise that we were slowly suffocating each other with reminders of how dysfunctional we were. Separation was not the best, but the only option. Gils brows climbed his forehead as his eyes widened. I reached for my tea, my quivering hand causing the hot liquid to dance about the mug, threatening to overlap the edges. "You don't want this..you aren't interested any more." My voice now despondent with shame. "You know..for a long time I thought I was the problem too. I thought I wasn't putting the effort in, wasn't making enough time. Hell, I even thought my technique in the bedroom had you looking elsewhere. Truth is Gil, I don't know what is wrong here, I just know that it's wrong." I didn't look him in the eye as I spoke but I felt his eyes on me. He gasped at my admittance. A warm hand clasped around my wrist, steadying my hand.

"There was never anything wrong with you Sara, there still isn't. You just deserve better-"

"That's the problem" I turned to him in anger. "I don't want anyone else. I can't be with any one else. But I also can't be with you...I think I made that perfectly clear in San Francisco."

"That's why you brought me here? To tell me that its over?"

"Would you rather I did it over the phone?" The venom laced in my words caused him to cringe outwardly at my referral. Silence clamped us once more. While he finished his tea, I looked him over properly for the first time since he had arrived. He definitely looked better than he had in San Francisco. A world away from the broken man I had left on the floor sobbing a couple months ago; he had gained a little weight and actually gone out in the sunlight by the looks of the healthy tan stretching across his skin. He was losing his salt and pepper curls that I loved so much, his hair now becoming more reminiscent of my current supervisor. I realised that I hadn't told D.B yet, but figured he would be thrilled for me. He was nothing short of a family man. Gil sighed heavily again then slapped his hands to his thighs.

"I suppose while I'm here, I could get anything that I've left." He looked around as though he would find his things instantly. The cursory glance came to a halt as he froze on an object out of my view. My brows knitted together whilst I turned by head in said direction. In the line of sight was a piano that Gil promised he'd teach me, a thriving fern placed on the ground, an arm chair as well as a locked cabinet containing my licensed gun and ammunition. But Gil's eyes were narrowed on the picture placed lovingly above the piano. It was one taken of us during our travels, we were embracing happily in front of an ocean front, our happiness about to be sealed with a kiss. I turned back to Gil to speak but was stunned by his reaction. As I focused on his face, he realised I was looking and quickly turned away. But not before I saw the moisture gathered in his eyes. "Sorry" He muttered, his voice groggy with emotion. "I forgot you had that..".

"I have a few" I spread my arms towards the sparsely decorated photo frames. Directly in front of the coffee table in front of us was a single chair accompanied by a side table. A photo stood defiantly – one taken a couple hours after Gil had arrived in Costa Rica. I scowled at the frozen smiles in the picture, bitter but jealous of the naivety of the happy people who had no idea what heartache was in store for them. "I should probably take them down though".

After he recovered he turned back to me. "Have you packed my stuff?"

"No, I haven't. But Gil..I'm not finished talking yet." I stood and walked towards the bedroom. "Be right back" I shot over my shoulder as I stepped into the darkened room. The window became illuminated as the thunder and lightening reached its crescendo. I decided against watching the spectacle and continued on my little mission. Opening my drawer quickly, I spied the desired object then returned to my seat, clutching my photographic proof.

"Sara, what's going on?" He moved to stand but I held out a hand to stop him. He settled back into his seat, but the frown stayed. An intelligent man, he must have realised something big was going to happen.

"This is why I called you..told you to come here." I sat with the photo in hand but made sure the image wasn't visible to his eye. I moved to get my tea but stopped myself when he spoke.

"Hon- Sara. You're fidgeting." Noting his comment with a swift nod, I sat back. Even after all these years he still had the ability to reduce me to a combination of over talking and nervous habit. The 'Grissom effect'.

"Gil..the night in San Francisco..do you regret it?" Gil played with his fingers before answering. He squirmed in his seat and twiddled his thumbs anxiously.

"I..part of me does yes. I..I enjoyed being with you, like I said before, I don't really want to do this. But we have so many issues and problems, the distance that exists between us physically is still present even when we are actually together. Divorce is all we have left..." He bowed his head once more like a child admitting to a devious crime.

"Not any more" I whispered without thinking. The urge to suddenly caress my stomach became overpowering. His head jerked up. Instead of explaining, I simply passed him the image that had been printed days before. He patted his pocket but didn't move his eyes from the image.

"What's this?" He pushed his glasses on with one hand and squinted at the image. I gave him a couple of minutes to figure out what the image was. I watched as his eyes almost bulged out as he began to make sense of what he was seeing. He turned to me unsure of himself with a tremor in his voice. "Sara?"

"I'm..we're..having a baby Gil." The image fell to the floor as he gawked at me. Bug eyed, his mouth fell open while his hands shook. I bent to pick up the precious image, feeling slightly offended at his reaction.

Gil shook his head and removed his glasses, planting them back in his pocket. Running an open palm against his face, he stuttered his wording. "Ho..how far along are you. Must be about two months right..."

"Well..nine weeks but eleven weeks according to doctors." I laughed a little trying to lighten the mood but Gil didn't bite. My shoulders sagged at my failed attempt. Gil froze on the image in my hand, his breathing increasing by the minute. "Gil...please say something. What..what do you think?"

"Sara, I'm...God..I didn't expect this. Is it mine?" He turned to me to peer into my eyes. I could count on one hand the amount of times Gil has looked fearful. When Nick was kidnapped, when Natalie abducted me and when Warrick had died. Now looking at me, he had the same pained look.

"Yes, its yours. You're the only man I've slept with in goodness knows how many years!" I vented. His shoulders sagged as I watched him take in the information. The conversation we had in the Louvre courtyard that day years ago came back to me with sadness. Evidently he had not changed his mind about having children.  
"Weren't you on the pill or something?"

"Well, yes but it doesn't always work...maybe the alcohol affected it or the stress in the past couple of months. I don't know.."

"Sure you didn't forget to take it? With everything that has happened recently, you could have forgotten or something.." Gil spread his hands as he looked for an explanation. I scoffed in his face. I didn't exactly appreciate the way he was implying that I deliberately got pregnant. Over the years, I had heard of women who had trapped their partners by getting pregnant – paving the way for a comfortable living, marriage or healthy bank cheque every month at least.

I turned directly to him, the feisty nature within me almost taking over. "I'm sorry I can't offer you a logical explanation Gil..but sometimes things just happen for reasons we can't explain." I leaned towards him, rubbing his shoulder with a hand. My attempt at comforting him was given a blind eye. "But listen, I don't expect anything from you." I moved closer to him, pulling his face towards mine. His eyes danced between mine, focussing on each for a few milliseconds before moving to the other. "I'm having this baby, I've wanted children for a while..you know that. This baby is a miracle to me. But I'm not demanding that you be with me, I know we have so many problems already. I just..I want you to be part of the baby's life...I know it will be difficult but you can talk on Skype and we can travel." While I reasoned I waited for him to respond, only he remained silent. Noting the distant look in his eyes, I attempted to appeal to him. "Please talk to me. I need to know how you feel about this Gil." Ignoring my plea, he stood and moved towards the door. Within seconds he had his coat on and within minutes he was making excuses to leave. My innards went cold as I watched. "Gil please..don't do this" I rushed to stand between him and the door, but he was adamant on leaving. The rain pounded harshly against the window; nature itself condemning his actions.

"I need to go..Sara..I have to go. I'm sorry" He pushed past me. I cried out as he pulled the door open quickly, the tears running down my cheeks and falling from my jawline as he disappeared out of the door and into the silver rain.

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**Oh, who was expecting that? **

**Thank you for reading, take a few seconds to leave a review and tune in next time!**

**TBC.**


	13. Chapter 12

**Title: **Chapter 12

**Rating: **_M to be safe._

**Authors note: **_Here's another update. University is going fine, thanks to those who asked. Had some really strong responses to the last chapter and Gil's running away - it was flattering!_

**Summary: "You cannot find peace by avoiding life." ― Virginia Woolf**

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It had been nearly three hours since Gil had walked out of the door and left me disorientated in the front room of my home. Since then, I had despondently called both Nick and Finn, who were both trying to console me while we waited for..well, we weren't exactly sure what we were waiting for. "He just left? He must have said something other then 'I need to leave' right?" Finn shook her head in disbelief as she repeated the story I had told her. I was saddened by Gil's reaction and offended at his apparently strong instinct to escape. He had ran from me, emotionally and physically, numerous times during our relationship. When we were becoming closer to saying those three scary words in the early stages of our relationship, he practically jumped at that offer of the sabbatical. Of course, those words had been playing heavily on his mind the whole time. I had read the letter. But this was different...this was his child, his flesh and blood. An innocent life that has done no wrong to him. I continued to pace the room, going more and more flustered by the minute.

Nick was in the kitchen making some food for us all, the occasional clang of metal on metal baring witness to his activity. A delicious aroma slithered through the small crack of the slightly open door. The tightening in my stomach alerted me to the knowledge that I had not eaten today, save for some creamed oats and sweet fruits this morning when I returned home from shift. A quick glance at the clock – that had been nine hours ago. "Come sit down Sara, you need to relax. This stress isn't good for you or the baby" Finns voice was full of concern, her brow knitted as she spoke. I complied reluctantly.

A few seconds later, Nick's face appeared in the crack in the door. "Soup's up ladies" He winked as he pulled away. Wordless, we made our way to the kitchen, but groaned in delight at the smell. On the breakfast counter sat two dinner plates with healthy servings of black bean risotto, along with cutlery, a bowl of garlic bread smothered in cheese and a salad bowl presenting a mixture of colours, dusted with croutons.

"I didn't even realise I had all this stuff" I amazed as I looked at the steaming dishes. My mouth watered without dignity. Nick scoffed as he stood on the other side of the bar, his palms flat against the smooth surface as he observed the two of us.

"You didn't. I brought this stuff over, figured cooking was the last thing on your mind."

"It usually is, even when she doesn't have all this drama going on" Finn elbowed me before moving to a seat.

"Hey, I have come a long way in the kitchen. I made that Mediterranean veggie lasagne last week for you, remember?" I smiled as I sat beside the blonde, who was shovelling salad onto her plate. She frowned for a moment before her brows arched with realisation.

"Yeah! That was actually very tasty". My friend nodded eagerly at the memory then blow on the scoop of risotto on her spoon, disturbing the direction of steam. In all honesty, Finn had been a great help since finding out about my little one. To thank her, I invited her over for dinner and a movie night. I even endured 'The Notebook' for her..it was terrible.

"You never invited me? I like lasagne" Nick pouted as he bit into some garlic bread, the bright oils of the cheese collecting at his incisors.

"You like meat lasagne.."

"I'm from Texas, you can't blame me for being a meat lover. It's in my blood." He grinned.

"Erm...Mr meat lover..you have crumbs all over your face" Finn gave a one sided smile while she leaned over to brush the crumbs away. Nick blushed. The scene between the two caused something to mentally click inside me.

_Chalk..from dust. Chalk..from dust. _In that moment I was thrown into the past, the gentle warm of his skin captured in my curved hand. I was kidding myself if I ever claimed there was really any chalk there, but in those days of our relationship, chances for us to be that intimate almost never occurred.

"Besides" Finn continued as her thumb grazed around the curves of Nick's grin. "We watched 'The Notebook', Sara loved it" She cast me a cheeky smile. Her hand came back to rest on the breakfast bar as she continued eating. I nodded sadly, resisting the urge to caress my stomach.

"You okay there Sar?" Nick turned to be, concern locked into his features. He reached over the bar to lay a hand on my shoulder. I opened my mouth to speak, but only managed a pitiful whisper as I was overcome with anger and sadness. Within seconds I was crying, my cheeks rapidly becoming more flushed with embarrassment as my friends reacted to the sudden emotion with kindness.

"Here sweetie, don't cry. We'll find him, right Nick?" Finn wrapped her arms around my shaking frame, forgetting about her hunger all of a sudden.

"Sure we will" Nick nodded, his words kind but his tone bitter. I cast him a look he knew all too well. The 'don't you dare, Nick' look I had given him numerous times throughout our close friendship. He visibly softened in response, making an effort to lighten his tone. "Is the risotto that bad?" He joked, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

A wet smile graced my lips for a few moments as I acknowledged his efforts. "I'm okay..I'm okay." I reached for the nearby kitchen towel to mop the moisture from my skin. "Just hormones." I joked lightly as I tried to detach myself from Finn's grasp.

"Get used to it" Finn smiled knowingly as she moved back to her seat. Nick on the other hand was not content with leaving me be. The warmth from his hand still remained on my shoulder as I recovered. "It's okay to not be okay about this. You know we are here for you, both of you."

"Thank you, both of you." My hand connected with Nick's on my shoulder, the other finding Finn's on the bar. "You've been great...brilliant actually."

"We are pretty awesome" Finn turned to Nick. "Well, I'm awesome." She added with a stuck out tongue. Nick's brow's shot up at her comment, but returned to normal with a grin.

"Is that so? Who cooked this lovely, delicious food for you, I wonder?"

"Okay you two, stop flirting. Jeez" I giggled as I watched Nick become red faced.

"I wasn't flirting!" Nick groaned like a school boy who had been embarrassed by his mother, whereas Finn was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Couldn't blame you Nicky, hot stuff over here" Finn gestured along the length of her body gleefully.

"And with the modesty to match." I shot back, earning a smirk from the older CSI. "Come on, you walked into that one."

Nick chuckled before turning his attention to my plate. "Wow, you hungry Sara?" My own eyes followed his to the plate below me, realising it was now two-thirds empty. I only smiled as I continued eating. In the past few days, I had promised myself that I would begin living a more healthy lifestyle. As a vegetarian, people would often joke that its impossible to be unhealthy and the ignorant would assume that all I eat is rabbit food. But with the busy work schedule I was on, I usually found myself snacking on junk food; crisps, candy bars, veggie burgers. Anything quick and easy, normally washed down with coffee or Coca Cola. No more! I had told myself defiantly as I emptied my cupboards of rubbish and began stocking my fridge/freezer with real food. In the days that had past, I cut out coffee altogether, instead drinking cups of milky sweetened tea. I had began going running again, feeling annoyed at myself for stopping in the first place. I had forgotten how refreshed it makes me feel.

Noting that my plate had been emptied of food, I moved to clean up. "Leave that Sara, I'll sort it" Nick stopped me as I reached for the empty plate. "You just relax, I'll make some tea."

"No more tea, I've had enough tea." I grumbled as I stepped down onto the kitchen floor. "I'm going to get one of my pullovers, won't be long" I called over my shoulder, walking towards my bedroom. Their voices became more and more faint as I made my way into my dark room. Not bothering to flick the light switch, I crossed the space to reach the dresser. Soft fabrics collided with my wandering hands as I sought out a particular article of clothing. "Light would probably help.." I mumbled to myself but stopped when I found what I was looking for. A navy hooded sweat shirt with the words 'University of Chicago' etched in block capitals. Grissom had attended the university while attaining his Ph.D. in biology years ago. I sighed as I pulled the clothing over my own, his scent invading my senses. An indescribable scent that I can only label as: home. Gathering the front of the clothing in my hands, I brought it to my nose and inhaled. Yes, definitely home. "I'm sorry" I sighed as my hands flattened against my stomach. My throat felt tight as I thought of my child not knowing their father. A man that had made a career driven woman long for marriage, stability and children in her life – if only with him. _Sometimes, you just can't have it all Sara. _My mothers words to a twelve year old me in an attempt to explain the murder of my father. An even simpler woman, my mother just wanted a caring husband and a large family. But _you just can't have it all. _

Finished in the bedroom, I made my way back to my friends in the kitchen. The sound of bitter and angry voices greeted me before I saw their owners. Intrigued, I stopped in my tracks. My long body flattened against the wall to avoid detection, I waited for the voices to continue.

"I still can't believe..actually no. I can believe this. The man's a coward!" Nick tensed his fists into a ball. "He has a responsibility here Finn! Its takes two to create a child..to create a life."

"I know that, but you can't do anything Nick. Going after him won't help anyone, we just need to support Sara right now."

"I am supporting her...I just have a different way of going about it"

"Oh?"

"Support her with my boot connecting with Gil's ass!"

"Nick!" I swiftly moved from my vantage point and interrupted the conversation with my stern tone.

"Don't defend the jerk Sara. We all know he deserves it" Nick spun around to meet me, Finn shaking her head in defeat. "You're always defending him. You're always saying 'well that's just Grissom'. Has it ever occurred to you that Grissom might just be an ass-hole?" Nick spat Grissom's name with malice, throwing his arms about himself as he spoke with a hot temper.

"There's no need to-" Finn started but was quickly silenced by the only man in the room.

"You've never met him, you have no input."

"Well maybe he is an ass-hole, but right now you aren't acting much better." Finn braced herself against the bar to push herself up from her seat. "I know you're angry Nick, but that's no excuse-"

"It's plenty of excuse, I did act like an ass-hole". The deep and gravel voice attracted the attention of all in the room. Droplets of rain water fell from the saturated attire of the visitor, his near white hair once again flattened against his head. His left hand clutched a shopping bag, the other hanging limp by his side.

"I can't believe the audacity!" Nick moved from the bar and advanced on Gil, his fists still clenched. "How dare you!" Gil did not move from his spot, nor did his saddened expression change as Nick came towards him.

"Hey!" I ran the short distance and placed myself between the two men; the livid Texan and the man he once admired as his mentor.

"I can understand why you are angry Nick, what I did was wrong.."

"To say in the least." Nick growled. "She's having your baby for Christ's sake."

"I know that, that's why I'm here." He spoke softly, simply, as though the events hours previous had never transpired.

"I think we should go get a drink Nick, or see a movie maybe?" Finn moved behind the dark haired Texan, reaching up to his broad shoulders as she spoke. "Come on, we should leave them alone."

"Yeah, that's a good idea" I jumped in. The tension of the situation was suffocating. Eventually, Nick stepped down but didn't move his focus from his old friend. "I'll see you guys later, okay?"

"Yeah, we could go for breakfast or something, huh Nick?" Finn tried to shift Nick's attention but was unable. "Bye Sara" Finn smiled quickly as she practically dragged Nick to the front door. Before leaving, he was sure to cast Gil a warning look. I sighed at the spectacle. Even though Nick was a great guy, sometimes his temper could get the better of him.

"I didn't realise you had people over, I should have knocked." Gil spoke to my hair.

"Yeah, maybe that could have been avoided."

"He's getting worse with his temper."

"I know...I think he needs some time to himself...gain a little perspective." I turned around to face the father of my child, noting his aged looks. He had been thinking hard in the past few hours; no doubt analysing every aspect of the situation in the most logical and scientific manner. A lone droplet travelled from his brow, down the slope of his nose but trembled as it stopped at the tip of his nose. "Is that why you left? To gain perspective?". I spoke out loud to the droplet, avoiding the eye contact of the man inches away from me.

"I suppose. But I shouldn't have left you like that. I'm truly sorry Sara...I just needed some time to think." The motion of his lips caused the droplet to lose it's grip. Like the rest, it fell, disappearing in the laminated flooring.

"You know where the bedroom is. Why don't you dry off and put some dry clothes on? Then we can talk." I looked up at him, resisting the urge to force his hand to my stomach. I wanted him to feel the excitement I felt, to understand what exactly was going on inside me. I stood back to allow him to pass, but he was frozen to the ground. Noticing he seemed more confused than understanding, I quickly explained. "Your clothes are still in their usual place, I haven't sorted them out yet." Evidently satisfying his inquiries, he finally moved towards the bedroom.

To avoid thinking about whatever state of undress he was currently in, I busied myself my cleaning the wet mess on the ground and making a pot of tea..again. Every now and again, the occasional thump or soft grunt would come from the room. After gathering the wet paper towels into a ball and hurling them into the trash can, I reached for some fresh mugs. "Maybe you'll drink it this time, Gilbert" I mumbled as I made his tea.

"Well, last time I was a little preoccupied." At the intrusion to my quiet thoughts, I span around hurriedly.

"Jeez Gil!" I glared at him, wide eyed, my hand slapped over my chest to steady my hurried heart. "You need to stop doing that!". He smiled a little sheepishly as he sat in Finn's place at the bar.

"Sorry, next time I'll announce myself." He finished with a lopsided almost smile, then focused on the tea I had placed in front of him. "Thank you." The mug looked tiny in his one hand, whereas I could comfortably grip mine with two hands. I sipped, he sipped. We sipped and we didn't talk. _Great_ – I thought inwardly at the awkward silence that had settled on us. Impatient at the lack of progress, I took to swilling my tea, becoming increasingly more focused on the tidal wave of the deep beige liquid. When I did glance up at Gil, his eyes were trained on my stomach. I watched for a few moments before realising I had seen that look before, his thinking look. I shifted slightly under the attention but to no avail. "How far along did you say you were? Nine weeks right?" He spoke but didn't look up.

"Yeah, that's what I'm going with. It's the real amount of time past."

"You remember the date?" His eyes flickered up, vast emotion flooded within them. Don't you? I almost growled, but held myself back with better judgement.

"Yes. It was September 21st. A Saturday". At this he chuckled, grinning into his steaming mug. "What?" My brows raised as I watched him.

"I was kind of hoping you'd say it was a Sunday, for the sake of continuity." The reference to the day we first became intimate caused me to giggle fondly. Gil bowed his head as he laughed, causing his head to bob slightly. As our laughter died down, the tension between us dispersed.

"So, what do you think? About this?" I gestured to my stomach once we had settled. He inhaled deeply then blew out a slow breath as he pondered his wording. Finding my face once more, he frowned then glanced at my stomach.

"Nick is right Sara. I have a responsibility, we both do." He placed his hands on the table, palms up as he illustrated his thoughts. "I want to do this. Our fathers were robbed of us when we were young..I don't want to do that to my own child."

A sigh of pure relief caused my chest to deflate considerably. My throat began to tighten as I was overcome with joy. "You really want to do this? How will we do this?"

"I don't know...that's what I'm still trying to figure out. I don't want to leave my work, not right now Sara. I'm trying to get my research funding but that doesn't look likely so I need the work, I just-" I held up my hands in surrender.

"I know, it's okay. I understand. We can work it out..we will have to commit to using Skype properly, to actually calling each other and the bunch of other things we never kept to." He nodded slowly in understanding, but still seemed troubled. "It will be hard Gil, but I'm willing to do it."

A pregnant pause followed before Gil suddenly jumped up with an exaggerate 'Oh!'. "I almost forgot" He mumbled as he reached down his side, peering down at an object I could not see. He produced the bag he had brought in earlier, only this time I could see it clearly. It read 'Build-A-Bear' on the side. He pushed the plastic bag towards me, mouthing a quiet 'here you go'. Wordless at the gesture, I reached into the bag, my hand immediately connecting with a welcoming softness.

An elephant, with plush grey fur and friendly wide eyes. "I think that elephants are misunderstood. People think they are great lumping animals, when really they have a level of intelligence that matches that of dolphins and apes. They are beautiful and graceful creatures, who care very much for their young and family." He explained as I looked over the soft toy. "I thought that if the baby could have something from me, it would make it a little easier maybe. I read once that it's important for infants to become familiar with both parents voices as soon as possible, so I'll try call everyday. But, if there were days I couldn't get to the phone, the baby can still hear my voice." At the latter statement I frowned. Gil smiled a little at my confusion, then reached over and pointed an index finger to the elephants soft belly area. "Squeeze it's stomach." He urged. I followed, giving it a gentle squeeze in the designated area – only to hear it talk to me in Gil's voice.

"In African society, the elephant is seen as a symbol of strength, loyalty, reliability and great wisdom. They remind me of your mother in that way...sweet dreams little one. I love you."

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**TBC.**

**N.B Sorry if there are any mistakes. If you find any, please alert me. Thanks!**


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